In honor of my starting QB completely melting down following a 20-19 loss in which he scored all three TDs and lost three fumbles, including one in the final six minutes which preceded our opponent’s go-ahead TD, let’s do a segment called
where we look at the nuance of losing and how many losses you can take within a single loss. In Mortydome, you get to take two record losses and any number of moral losses on top of them. In high school football, at least according to my team, it is not enough to lose. Following the loss, you should also throw your helmet, yell at people in the stands, yell at your teammates, cry, quit, ideate a lil’ suey (QB-specific, apparently), and—as a bonus—when you are all loaded up on the bus and some skinny kid in the parking lot is live-streaming talking about how you suck, you should roll down the windows and yell at them, threaten to beat their ass, etc. as you, y’know, drive away with no risk of actually having to follow through.
Speaking of not following through, we’re scrapping the segment. That was not even our most recent loss. That was last Friday. We played again this Thursday. The other team returned our opening kickoff to the 50, which is great because it looked like an easy house call, but then on the first play on offense, the same player took an inside handoff straight through the entire defense without even really having to cut, 50-yard TD straight out the gate. I can’t remember exactly what happened in what order, but after a bunch of punts and missed tackles, the score at the end of the first quarter was 28-0. We clamped down on defense and stopped being completely hopeless on offense, cut it to 28-6, the entire defense jumped offside on the XP, but there was no flag, so 28-6 it stayed. We drove into field goal range to end the half, attempted the kick literally five times thanks to penalties on both sides, making the first four and—you guessed it—missing the one that finally counted. But still, we won the second quarter 6-0. We didn’t score again until the final play of the game. We lost 43-12. BUT nary a meltdown was had. I think we finally accepted what we are. Most of us.
“Bro, we’re ass,” as one of our seniors put it.
“The reason you’re losing is that you’re undisciplined,” the sideline ref told us, unsolicited.
“Well, what should we do about this?” our head coach asked in the closing huddle, and he was not asking rhetorically.
It’s a comically bad season. Here’s a quick list of things that have happened:
- We received a shipment of new black jerseys that are sweet. We did not receive all numbers, and we did not receive pants to go with them.
- Our only kicker was not eligible for our first game due to missing one too many practices, so we had to hold a kicker tryout three hours before that game, which is part of the reason both of our kickoffs were returned for TDs that game. Why didn’t we just kick out of bounds to avoid the big bad? Great question. Pride, is my guess.
- Most of our starters and about half our team was supposed to serve an academic suspension for the first game, only that would have made it nearly impossible to safely field a full team, so we would have had to forfeit, which would mean the suspensions wouldn’t toll and we would be in the same position the next week and every week. So the district waived the suspensions. But grade check are this week, and we will probably lose all those players for three weeks, and there are only like five weeks left.
- We had six coaches when most teams have 10-12. One of our coaches quit after the first game, so we’re down to five, and one of us (me) only attends half of our practices.
- Our head coach lives two hours away from the school and does not work at the school. None of the coaches work at the school, which I find insane.
- Modern high school academic requirements are also insane. Some of our players do Running Start and are only required to take two online classes through the local community college in order to qualify for the team. One of our seniors’ entire course load is Cooking and Leadership.
I will add more as I think of things. Just know the whole thing is kind of a joke, and as players get hurt and eventually ruled ineligible, the season might literally fall apart. We are about to get absolutely stomped the next two games and then still have another away game before HoCo/Senior Night maybe saves our season. Then in the final game we get stomped again. I’m not even being pessimistic. The other schools have more players, practiced all summer, have legitimate coaching staffs, and the players themselves are, like, actual football-size dudes, which we are sorely lacking, especially on the line, which is why we have essentially an equal number of plays that have gained yards and plays that have lost yards, plus a similar number of plays for no gain. If you’re scoring at home, that means maybe a third of our offensive plays gain yards, which is bad.
You know what else is bad? Being 0-2 after one fucking week. Whose idea was this? I’m sure it’s making Shelby sick that she lost by 0.4 as Jordan Love—in a hideous loss—outscored Herbert by 8 FP, and she could have also won by benching George Pickens for like 45 other WRs because all she needed was 5.3 and Pickens only mustered 4.8. The worst part is I watched barely any of that game and saw Pickens drop what would have been, at minimum, a 30-yard catch, maybe a house call. Corey, Brian, Evan, and Coleman don’t know the pain of having Week 1 in reach and coming up short. They were all out heading into Monday Night.
But Coleman knows the pain of being cooked historically early. I’m not sure anyone has been guaranteed a loss on a Wednesday night opener before, but -0.38 from Darnold sure felt like an automatic loss. Coleman bounced back okay, would have won if he had like 16-17 points from the QB spot, and that’s considering his WR room is absolute dog shit, with Michael Wilson pacing them at 8 FP on the bench. It is not time to panic-trade for QB because if the WRs don’t step up, there is nothing to salvage here. You are better off biding time for the big RB cash-out.
Corey had the worst QB week because unlike Coleman, he actually had hope going in. Stafford, the reigning MVP, fell victim to a pop-science facepalm and score 5 FP. Kyler was supposed to be a steal, but he threw a pick and got decapitated in the span of seven plays, so that’s probably over. I feel fine about Stafford, but the Puka injury complicates things.
Brian had the worst week overall. His prize TE scored zero FP despite his team scoring eight TDs on offense. He redeemed his draft with strong games from mid-round RBs Chuba and Harvey, and the extra WR up top becomes necessary with AJ Brown set to miss at least a month. Had Brian added Ramsey to complete the all-Nole IDP crew, he’d have scored six more FP, and the butterfly effect may have carried him to victory.
Evan gets lost in the wash here, but he would have had an easy win if Baker had just played normal or had Evan just started the TE he drafted instead of the one he picked up the week of the game. Have some faith in your own vision!
I did not expect to win going into the weekend, but that changed when I only needed like 10 from Waddle going into Monday Night. Imagine my disappointment finding out Waddle only needed five points to deliver a win, and he couldn’t even muster five yards. Still feels worse having Drake Maye hit 20 FP halfway through the third quarter, only to finish the game 16 FP. Starting Dak would have won it. Starting anyone but Waddle would have won it. Not making the trade with Sean would have probably won it. My Derrick Henry vindication only means so much when it doesn’t translate to wins.
Brian over Doak
Yeah, after a Thursday start of 31 to -0.1, I’m giving Brian the advantage, although I should probably clean up elsewhere. I just don’t know if I can clean up to the tune of three points per position. If Brian really wants this win, he’ll swap Ramsey in for Sherwood.
Max over Oliver
Oliver has the better players, but the matchups are brutal. Lamar vs. rain, Swift vs. MIN, Chase vs. Stingley, Nico and Ladd vs. their own bodies… although Max already has 25 from Cook, he only has four from Bass, and he left Goff’s 34 on the bench. Oliver traded Woody Marks to Max earlier this week, so Max should start him over Shaheed. Wouldn’t be a huge upset if Oliver won anyway, especially since it should be a huge IDP week for him.
Kennedy over Cam
I think the Kaelon Black stuff is overblown, but we won’t know for sure this week as the 49ers coast over the Dolphins. Still should be comfortable scoring from Purdy and CMC. Cam’s advantage is at RB, but Rhamondre should lose work this week, and Kennedy has a massive advantage at IDP even without Myles Garrett. It’s also a Brandon Aubrey revenge game after Cameron disrespected him by taking Jonathon Brooks and Jack Campbell at the 6-7 turn. My money is on Aubrey to outscore those two combined. Cam’s only hope of winning is birthday magic.
Evan over Corey
Baker Mayfield at home against the Browns. Nothing else matters. Corey’s team is pretty bad, and Stafford and Achane have bad matchups. While Evan should see down weeks from Jefferson, Olave, and Judkins, Corey’s working with like a 120-point ceiling.
Shelby over Spencer
I don’t like the Bengals against the Texans after the Texans allowed so many points to the Bills. I think it’s a statement game. I think the Texans are much tougher than the Bucs, and the Bucs were able to clamp down in the second half. So Brown and Higgins concern me, as does KC Concepcion against the Bucs, who might not allow a point against the Browns. The Browns are real bad. Other than that, Shelby has advantages across the board, while Spe should see decreased output from Dart, JSN, and Jeanty. Kincaid’s big game helps mitigate that, but Kincaid had a big game last week, too. In another melee, I’d give Spe a win. However, Shelby’s big three Herbert, Taylor, and Pickens are going to be too much this week.
Sean over Coleman
Kind of a foregone conclusion when we already know the QB has 53. Yeah we’re dumb for letting Josh Allen slide. I’ll forgive the first five picks. And I’ll forgive myself because I would have forgiven Henry at six overall. Amon-Ra is borderline. Jefferson is obviously worth it right now, but I don’t know how that holds up long-term. So Evan, Max, Corey, and Spe are the main culprits. Corey probably the most culpable just because CeeDee Lamb really has no business going over Josh in any context. But back to the matchup, Coleman is starting Bryce Young, who flirted with 40 FP last week against maybe a bottom-five defense in Chicago. Now he faces Atlanta, who is having a bad time at QB, but their defense is fine. It’s borderline good. I’m guessing 20 FP for Bryce, leaving Coleman’s RBs and IDPs as his only shot. It’s a good shot straight up. Sean’s WRs look weak, and he’s god bad matchups everywhere but Saquon. But knowing Josh and Rousseau combined for 71, knowing you need your team to be like 35 FP better than usual… I would, uh, warn against emotional investment in this outcome.
Browns suck, and we would have won the Bengals game if Baker and Bucky has protected the ball. It would have been a close game instead of merely ending in a close-looking score. I am sad that Gainwell’s stats were trash, but he did play 46% of snaps. The points will come eventually. Browns suck, Baker’s going to have all the juice coming in, and we might get McMillan back. I don’t really believe we can hold the Browns scoreless for a whole game, but I do believe we can pitch a first-half shutout. I worry when the Bucs are unanimous favorites in a matchup, but the Browns are just that bad.
I’m interested to see what we establish this week that we carry through the tough stretch that follows: vs.MIN, vs.GB, @DAL, vs.PIT. I’ll say it: I don’t think we have a prayer of winning that Vikings game unless our defense plays lights out. I really don’t know if we’re good. I’m not assuming we’re good. We look weird on offense as we adjust to life after Evans. We look weird on defense with our MLB being our worst player instead of our best. But then again, Trotter might just steal that job and then it’s sorted.
What will actually happen in the game? Well Baker won’t get sacked once, not even by Jared Verse. Big Perv will get sacked three times or else throw a pick avoiding sack, in addition to another pick he’ll throw just because he’s dumb. I don’t see them running the ball well. Cincinnati had a good plan and should get credit for having a capable O-line finally. The Browns are not that. The Browns’ entire offensive line is made up of dudes who played somewhere else last year. They have no cohesion or identity. I don’t think Azalone can screw this one up. I do think there’s a chance the Browns’ receivers can out-maneuver the Bucs’ DBs, so it’s very important for that advantage in the trenches to materialize.
As for the offense, not only will Baker stay clean, he will stay clean while redeeming himself as a runner. I imagine him hitting his fantasy ceiling here, but I also imagine the defense getting another score and there being breakdowns on defense that allow Bucky and Kenny to score from 40 yards out. So maybe save that Baker ceiling expectation for the Packers and/or Cowboys. I see Goatwell having the bigger game in fantasy, but the Bucs’ high scorer outside of QB should be Egbuka. He had six targets in the first half and then none in the second. I think that gets figured out and he see the full 12 targets, which should be our M.O. going forward.
Bucs win 34-9 just to show up the Jags.
