As of like August 10, I have two new jobs: Special Education Teacher and High School Football Coach. It will be my first time doing either, and they are not at the same school. So the frequency and quality of the note will take a turn. However, everything cools down in November, so as the season heats up, so shall the note.
How did I get a job coaching high school football? It was very easy to apply to while applying to teaching jobs in the same district, they called me for an interview, and even though the interview went poorly in my opinion, they had literally no other option because I even told them I couldn’t come to literally half of all practices, and they said that’s awesome, when can you start?
The average high school team has 10-12 coaches. We have six. Our QB is one of the best ten QBs in the state, and I am the QBs coach. Because we have six coaches, I am also coach safeties and, oh yeah, as of right now I am Special Teams Coordinator (though I’m going to work on co-coordinating-ing with our WRs/DBs coach). We have one kicker who is also the punter, so one of my side jobs is developing a “baby giraffe” into the next Graham Gano. I’m not putting the name of the school here because I don’t want the note to show up in a search.
The average team for a school our size in our area has around 50 varsity players. We have maybe 30, and our best 11 are our best 11 in every phase. I think we have 14 seniors, one of whom is truly only here to get it in the yearbook and maybe get a girlfriend, one of whom I thought was a freshman because of the absolute deer-in-headlights look he gets every time you tell him to go in. BUT if the 11 good players can play every snap for 11 straight weeks, we can be state champions.
I’ll keep you posted.
Dues: $75 x 11 = $825
Commish rakes $225
Prize Pot: $600
Cash game: $10 x 16 = $160
Second Place: $75
Champ: $365 and a rule
The deadline for NFL roster cuts is August 30 at 6:00 PM ET, meaning dudes will be getting cut/traded during our draft. Amazing.
1. Dr. Simp
Snapshot: 12th pick, Puka, McBride, Javonte, Dowdle, minus 3rd
Keeping Puka earns you top-dog status and a new nickname. Time will tell on the McBride trade. McBride wasn’t going to fall to 3.12, so that’s a win. But it’s highly unlikely he repeats
But the mid-keeper Drake Maye redeems you a little bit. Wait… I’m getting word that Sean has bailed If Sean doesn’t trade his late keeper slot away, he’s either acquiring a better late keeper (there are plenty), his options are Rico Dowdle, Chris Rodriguez, and Jordyn Brooks. I don’t hate it.
Dowdle signed with the Steelers this offseason, reuniting with Mike McCarthy, who oversaw Dowdle’s breakout season in Dallas. Jaylen Warren is the incumbent “starter” but he was usurped in the timeshare by Gainwell (aka Goatwell) last season, and the Steelers can cut him after this season. In each of the past two seasons, on two different teams, Dowdle has come in as the lesser part of a timeshare, beat out the starter, and finished with 1,300 yards. He has a more complete skill-set and more juice than Warren, and the Steelers are equally committed, contractually.
Rodriguez signed with the Jags for two years, structured in a way where they gain nothing by cutting him, which makes him seem like an entrenched timeshare back with the potential to compete for the starting job. Liam Coen coached Rodriguez for one year at Kentucky. In three seasons without Coen, Rodriguez had seven catches. In one season with Coen, he had 13 catches. (He has six catches in three NFL seasons without Coen.) Coen will pass him the ball, lean on him in short-yardage, and make Tuten managers go crazy without any consistent payoff for Rodriguez managers. Rodriguez was hurt to start training camp, but it’s minor. You have to keep him on the table for now because a Tuten injury in preseason would make Rodriguez a borderline bell-cow, with LeQuint Allen operating as a pass-catcher who gets a few carries to keep the defense guessing. TL;DR: Tuten is the man, Rodriguez is the breather/vulture; LeQuint is a backup.
Jordyn Brooks led the league in tackles last year, and he gets sacks. The knock on him is that LB is the most replaceable position in Mortydome, and he’s changed coordinators. He’s still the best Dolphins’ defender, though, so he’s a solid candidate to average double-digit points. He’s the only true everyweek starter among Sean’s current options.
Sean’s the reigning king, and he has all his picks. He’s in the driver’s seat.
2. Shelby
Snapshot: 3rd pick, Herbert, Chase Brown, Wan’Dale
Shelby would crush a ten-game season. She needs to be better on the waiver wire, but that’s not a factor in these rankings. She’s keeping Justin Herbert and Chase Brown, who I believe are the top keepers at their positions.
Wan’Dale vs. Barner: Wan’Dale finished 14th in receiving yards last year. He signed a fat contract to follow Daboll to Tennessee. He would have been the #1 WR if not for the Titans drafting Carnell Tate 4th overall. Cam Ward is going to throw 650 passes this year. Even if Wan’Dale is second to Tate, he’s probably equaling his 140 targets from the past two seasons. I look at him and see Khalil Shakir.
Barner will take a third-year leap following a second-year breakout. He’s not George Kittle, but he plays that role in new OC Brian Fleury’s Shanny-esque system. He had 50 yards and the Seahawks’ lone offensive TD in the Super Bowl. He’s legit. He’s also slept on enough that you can get him cheaper than Wan’Dale in the draft.
3. Joe Burr—I mean Oliver
Snapshot: 6th pick, Burrow, Skattebo, Metcalf, plus two 2nds.
Joe Burrow as a late keeper is sick, but it doesn’t add to his point total. Oliver has a weird batch of names, guys who aren’t coming in with a ton of momentum, but I believe in their fantasy production.
DK Metcalf is going from the Arthur Smith offense to the Mike McCarthy offense. The difference is massive. Art’s offense is centered around TEs, RBs, and ball control. Mike McCarthy doesn’t give a fuck. We don’t even have to go back to his time with Rodgers in Green Bay. Focusing on Dallas, McCarthy had a top-10 defense three of five years, meaning his run-pass ratio was fully at his discretion. Dak threw 35 times per game, which in most seasons is like top-five in pass volume. The Steelers are going to fucking sling it, and Metcalf is WR1. Cam Skattebo is a big back with a complete skill set, and the Giants want to feed him. If the defense is good, Cam Skattebo is getting 20-25 touches—ah, this was true before the Najee Harris signing. John Harbaugh has all but called Skattebo an idiot and an asshole in press conferences, and Najee’s agent said that he signed with the understanding that he would have a large role on offense. I’d be concerned, especially because I think Skat is an idiot and an asshole.
4. Kennedy
Snapshot: 5th pick, Caleb, Parker, Myles Garrett plus a 2nd and 4th
Myles Garrett should not be anyone’s obvious pick for early keeper, even after breaking the sacks record and getting traded to a contender. But Kennedy’s other options are James Conner (how?), Jordan Addison, and Mark Andrews. Garrett, Addison, and Andrews should be drafted in the same range, with Garrett going first. The problem is that last year’s numbers are inflated. Cleveland was doing despicable shit with Garrett to make him the 2018 Cavs version of LeBron while the Rams are going to treat him like Lakers LeBron, which is still fun and cool but solidly a 25% reduction in raw numbers. There’s more value in trading the pick or trading for a better keeper.
Parker Washington has emerged as the favorite to lead the Jags in targets. This isn’t the most exciting development, as the Jags will spread it around, but it’s better than keeping two QBs, which was Kennedy’s next best option. Now he gets a solid flex option and
Caleb Williams, Madden cover. Good luck. You gotta do it, though. He has QB1 in his range of outcomes. Purdy does not.
5. Spencer
Snapshot: 11th pick, Dart, Etienne, DeVonta minus a 2nd
Slim Reaper or Scary Terry: DeVonta is going to lead the Eagles in targets. His PR is 136 targets. He’s going to hit 160. At a stable career average of nine yards per target, we’re expecting over 1400 yards and at least his career average of seven TDs. That’s top-10 WR status. McLaurin is going to lead the Commanders in targets. Two years ago, in his lone full season with Daniels at QB, he caught 13 of Washington’s 29 pass TDs, and that pass volume was suppressed by a backfield tandem of Brian Robinson and Austin Ekeler. The Ders current backfield is a timeshare between Bill and Chaad. It’s disgusting. McLaurin can easily repeat 13 TDs. DeVonta has the higher draft price, while McLaurin is pushing 30 playing on the worst field in the league.
Jaxson Dart is Jeremy Giambi. He gets on base, and he has trade value, but he’s a massive tool with a dumb face. He will make it like four games before getting hurt. I would rather trade the slot for a mid-round pick and draft any of 20 other QBs.
6. Doak
Snapshot: 9th pick, Maye, DJ Moore, plus a 3rd
I’m not super confident in the McBride-Maye trade, but I don’t care. Drake Maye is legit, the Pats’ offense is legit, and the last time I traded Sean the Cardinals’ best player, it was the year the wheels came off for Kyler Murray. I see my early-keeper slot as equivalent to the 36th overall pick, I see Maye as an upgrade over my other options for mid keeper, and I got an extra $25 FAAB.
The only thing left is to pick one of Jameson, Burden, or DJ Moore. Honorable mentions Alec Pierce and Michael Pittman. I’m flush, bitches. Offer me trades!
Jameson has stabilized at 1K yards and seven TDs per season. I think he has juice to deliver more, but target competition is so tight. The hope is that trading Montgomery without adding a legitimate RB2 means more passing.
Luther Burden was scorching hot before pulling his groin in training camp. I’m predicting Burden to see similar usage to Jameson Williams, and if they swapped jerseys, I would feel worse about both of them. So it’s clearly Jameson over Burden.
DJ Moore is going to lead the Bills in targets, so it seems pretty fucking stupid to overlook that. He’s not Stefon Diggs, buuut I DUNNO JIM Diggs’ pre-Buffalo numbers are in line with Moore’s, and Moore is the best WR the Bills have had since Diggs, and Joe Brady was DJ Moore’s OC during his best season in Carolina, soooo… here we go! Rolling with the DJ!
Shot-call on Pittman: his QBs have been Rivers, Wentz, Ryan, Minshew, Richardson, Flacco, Danny Dimes, Rivers, and Riley Leonard. Even at age 43, Aaron Rodgers blows that list out of the water. Rivers was pretty good, and Wentz had decent stats on low pass volume, but that was Frank Reich’s offense. This again is double-retired DGAF Mike McCarthy and pre-retired NeverGAF Aaron Rodgers. I am predicting career-highs in yards and TDs for Pittman, which means 1,200 yards and 8 TDs. That would put him close to even with my guess for Moore, but the risk is that, you know, I made all that shit up.
7. Brian
Snapshot: 4th pick, Godwin, [trade], Loveland
Loveland is getting left out of the Bowers-McBride conversation because the Bears are frankly too good. But I don’t think Ben Johnson cares. In the final four games of 2026, including playoffs, Loveland saw 48 targets total, with a low of 10 and high of 15.
Godwin is vaulted into WR1 with the injury to Egbuka, and though I like our other receivers, I think Baker loves Godwin and is going to hit him at least ten times per game while Egbuka is out.
Brian can either trade the mid keeper slot or use it on… Woody Marks? Jared Verse? Jalen McMillan as Bucs’ WR2? I would pay a 7th, which is worth more than any of those guys.
8. Evan
Snapshot: 7th pick, Egbuka, Baker, Goatwell
Rice vs. Eggs: Ideally not putting my chips on the guy who spent his summer vacation rehabbing an injury in jail, but Rice is healthy and free while Egbuka injured his toe and might not play Week 1. Toe injuries tend to linger. The best thing for Egbuka is to miss a few weeks to start the year. Objectively, Rice has more value. Subjectively, I don’t like him or the Chiefs or his odds of repeating his role from the last two years with the Chiefs shifting offensive philosophy.
I’m perfectly fine with the all-Buc keeper list. It’s red sexy. Baker was putting up MVP numbers before the bye last year. Kenny Gainwell is going to eat Bucky’s lunch. The Bucs are going to be okay. Maybe not right away. We’ll win the division, though.
9. Max
Snapshot: 8th pick, Davante, Christian Watson, Goff
Gotta ride Davante Adams until he’s dust. If he’s on the Jerry Rice diet, we could be drafting Davante Adams in the fourth round for another seven years.
Mid/Late – Goff, Shaheed, Watson
You can always use higher keeper picks on lower players (and lose a year of eligibility). I’d keep Goff late because he’s more likely to stay relevant.
Shaheed and Watson is a fun comparison. They both entered the league in 2022. Watson was the 34th overall pick. Shaheed was undrafted. Watson had 43 receiving yards per game to Shaheed’s 40, but Shaheed also had 42 return yards per game. In 2023, Watson had 46 yards per game to Shaheed’s 48, and Shaheed also had 48 return yards per game. Shaheed made the pro bowl and was All-Pro as a returner. In 2024, Watson had 41 yards per game to Shaheed’s 58, and Shaheed had 50 return yards per game. In 2025, Watson had 61 ypg to Shaheed’s 55 as a Saint and 21 as a Seahawk. Shaheed added 17 return yards per game as a Saints and 68 as a Seahawk. Watson has the overall TD advantage 21-17 and receiving ypg advantage 47-44, but Shaheed’s 60ish yards per game as a returner tilts the scale in his favor. Either is a good bet to average 15 ppg. Shaheed has a higher floor.
Watson’s a WR1, 2nd round pick, on a huge new deal. Shaheed’s WR2/KR, undrafted, on a medium new deal. In my opinion, tie goes to the dude who had to the harder path. The key wrinkle is that Watson has spent his career mired in role ambiguity bullshit (the topic of my capstone btw), which the Packers fixed this season. Watson’s due a huge boost in playing time and targets. Watson also has the worse injury history. Shaheed by a nose, for me.
10. Cameron
Snapshot: 1st pick, K9, Corum, Trevor; minus a 2nd
Ken Walker vs. Olave vs. Ladd is such a good list that Tyler Warren and Aidan Hutchinson don’t even get in the conversation. Just goes to show if you draft well, you too can finish in 7th place. I honestly believe Olave is the sure thing of the bunch, but I am frequently wrong and would go with the starting RB running behind the league’s best center-guard combo. If you’re keeping score at home, that means Ladd or Warren will finish first among this group.
Cameron is trying to move his mid keeper slot, but I think he gets more value trading a mid-late pick for a player. I’d be willing to take the cheese on Corum, who should be the first backup drafted. Again, this means Cameron should keep someone else or make the trade.
11. Corey
Snapshot: 10th pick, Bucky, Diggs, Stafford
Stafford as a late keeper feels like overkill when Corey has an open middie slot, but he’s got jack shit. It’s Diggs, Michael Wilson, and some solid IDPs. Diggs is the best option, even though he’s now STAfon Diggs. To me, he’s just STA and not an option for my roster. So technically I would opt for Michael Wilson late and move Stafford to the middie.
Stafford is the reigning MVP, but I’m betting on regression, and I’m betting on Bucky losing the job to Goatwell.
12. Coleman
Snapshot: 2nd pick, Kyren, QJ, Fannin; minus a 2nd and 4th
It’s quite the fall for the man who was reigning champ this time last year. Starting the year with Irish Kyren and either Bijan or Gibbs is money, but Coleman is pretty much barred from drafting QB until the mid-to-late rounds. Get ready to learn Kyler, buddy.
Quentin Johnston is not the obvious pick for the mid slot. That would be Irish Kyle, but with the pick deficit, Coleman needs to chase flex upside.
Fannin gets in with an automatic bid, but it’s real sketch. The Browns are so bad, and TE is so deep. I would be keeping the two Irish and QJ, which means Fannin is probably catching 100 balls this season.
Strategy is up to you this year. The basic trends suggest that QB and TE are deep, RB is reclaiming the throne as most valued position, and there is a crucial moment where you can either get scared of missing out on the bottom-half of starting RBs or starting raking in WR value. While TE is deep, the top tier can outscore most WRs this season. Bowers, McBride, Warren, and Loveland will lead their teams in targets.
I think the first three picks are Bijan, Gibbs, and Taylor. Then Brian picks between Chase and CMC. CMC is the make-or-break pick of the year. I am just hoping he doesn’t slide enough for it to be my problem.
All right, I’m out.
