I've never spent less time preparing for a draft. I've never had a group of picks like what I've got now. Definitely never had five keepers. But last year my picks were also weird and bad to boot, so I had to get creative in my prep, and I ended up figuring out shortcuts to prepping and feeling ready for whatever happens at every pick (until the final rounds, which I've decided I will never figure out and never prepare for again, which also saves time). But whatever. Here's some shit.
The Basic Shit
ADP is meaningless in our league. It’s not reaching if you don’t think the guy will be there at your next pick, and if you like him, someone after you probably likes him and has a lower opportunity cost. If you think it’s close and you pass, kiss him goodbye.
Know the keepers! Know not necessarily who but what is missing. Right now, that’s three top-10 QBs, six or seven starting RBs, nine or ten WRs good enough to be in your top two, and the two best TEs. There is one elite TE on the board, and Sean is working desperately to trade for the slot he needs to keep him. The obvious names at DL are going to dry up fast with Watt, Garrett, Bosa, and Van Ginkel likely keepers.
When in doubt, you’d rather start a run than end one. Try to see the negative space. If four RBs go in a row before your pick, look at the other positions first.
Consider trading late picks or FAAB to move up a couple spots during the draft when you see the list narrowing around your guy.
Have a guy! Have a dumb little crush and act on it! It’s fun!
DON’T reach for all of your picks or draft a team you know that you in particular are infatuated with. You want the flexibility to move players during the year and not feel attached to some idealized vision of dude’s potential.
Do whatever the fuck you want. I don’t know shit, and neither does anybody else. You want Travis Hunter at the end of the first round because it’s a one-of-a-kind opportunity? Do your thing!
I’m not going to let people redo picks like I did last year unless you actually hit the wrong button and recognize it right away. You may have forgotten the DK Metcalf fiasco, but Oliver and I have not.
Don’t trust anything I say about what I will or won’t do. I have never met a rule I was able to stick to when new shit comes to light, man.
The More Granular Shit
Rookie-contract RBs with the starting job are consistently going to lead RBs in scoring. Most RBs’ best seasons take place their first five years.
Draft a stable of WRs (6) to ensure you have three or four with 100+ targets
Wait on QB. This mostly means draft a QB late relative to ADP.
Draft with the first month of the season in mind, at most. Don’t assume anyone will stay healthy. Recognize the fluidity of the league: teams change, change takes time
Prioritize this season, but keep in mind most picks now have multiyear potential.
Opportunity trumps talent. Talent trumps schedule. Schedule dictates 50/50 picks.
Speaking of new shit coming to light man, as a result of some trades and some research and some preseason, lotta ins, lotta outs, a lotta what have yous, I have to tie this room together and reset the table:
1. Brian
He has the most intimidating keepers, especially Daniels and BTJ, and he has the top pick, likely Chase but maybe Saquon. He’s also due.
2. Corey
Again, ridiculous keepers, especially Bucky and Bowers, and he’s getting either the top RB or WR depending on what Brian does. While Jared Goff is unsexy, I think we all see the path to him being a top-12 QB, which is all you need when you’re rolling out the best TE, the best RB or WR, and a top-10 RB before you even hit the 2nd Round.
3. Doak
Assuming I don’t fuck this up (I’m already dead), I’m starting the season with Tee (top-20 WR), Chuba (top-20 RB), Jeudy (top-30 WR), Downs (top-30 WR), LaPorta (top-10 TE), two picks in the top seven, and I will have 13 players on my roster halfway through the 5th Round. But I’m ranked third because that honestly doesn’t describe an elite situation.
4. Max
Josh Jacobs very well might be the best keeper. He’s not the best player being kept, probably not top-five, but he’s got the best chance to repeat or build on his 2024 output. Jameson Williams should evolve into an elite WR by the end of the year. I would not be surprised if he led the Lions in FP, and I would not be surprised if he finished fifth among WRs. Max essentially has two bonus first-rounders thanks to these keepers. With the 49ers reloading the defensive line, we could also see Nick Bosa threaten the single-season sack record again.
5. Shelby
DJ Moore and Chase Brown are extreme longshots to crack the top 10 at their positions, but they are great players in great situations. And Winfield is money because he is one of like six DBs you know you can start every week, and you don’t have to spend the fifth-rounder necessary to snag him. Instead you get to shore up your flex situation.
6. Spencer
Spencer has three picks in the top 20 and Malik Nabers and Khalil Shakir. Solid, solid foundation.
7. Coleman
Kyren and Watt are quality keepers. Not sure what’s going on late. Nothing important. Coleman traded his first-rounder to win it all, but he also started last season by scoring a second-rounder from Oliver, so he effectively only moves back six spots. Doesn’t have a fifth, but he can make that up with one big FAAB bid early in the season.
8. Evan
Less than excellent keepers. Baker takes a hit with the WR room getting thinner due to injury. But unlike everyone after him, Evan has all of his original picks, including #4 overall.
9. Sean
No 2nd, no 3rd, but comes in with James Cook and Puka as keepers, and Andrew Van Ginkel was elite last season. While Sean starts the race near the back of the pack, he is a Mario Kart legend and a Mortydome legend. I think he’ll spend FAAB wisely and be in the playoff mix no problem.
10. Kennedy
The keeper situation is fine, not exciting. He has to pick whether he thinks Andrews or Flowers is the Ravens top receiver (I’m leaning Flowers but indifferent), and he has to decide whether he wants an elite DL (Garrett) or give CJ Stroud another chance. With no 4th, no 5th, Garrett is pretty much off the table if he’s not a keeper. Meanwhile, Kennedy can keep Penix late, and I honestly believe Penix is better outright. None of this is good. Kennedy’s first two picks are crucial.
11. Oliver
The tank is on, and it’s honestly not even that good a tank. When you tank in Mortydome, i.e., forego success this season for success next season, there is no benefit to having a bad roster. You want to be able to trade players for picks, you want to be able to win enough games to get the pick-ladder bye, and you want to be able to win those last two weeks. Trading away this year’s first without getting anything for next year hurts you. The money move would have been trading for Bo Nix to pair with Sutton instead of trading your late keeper slot, you spend the 7th pick on Ashton Jeanty, and you move Jeanty for a future 1st or 2nd a couple weeks before the deadline. As it stands, Oliver gave all that up for Picks 20, 35, 68, and 92, which considering who’s kept yields you maybe the 28th, 50th, 90th, and 120th. I think the 2nd Rounder is the only shot at an elite player, and that’s seriously outside odds, which is why I made the trade!
12. Cameron
I’m making an example of him for absolutely blowing his keepers. The right group would be Pollard, Ladd, and Nix. Cameron is currently opting for Worthy, Ladd, and Pearsall. Insanity.
32. Saints
Good crop of skill players, decent to good offensive line, decent to good offensive scheme, decent to good defensive roster, BUT you’re putting a lot of faith in a first-time head coach in Kellen Moore, a defensive coordinator nobody really wants in Brandon Staley, and a legally insane GM in Mickey Loomis. DID I MENTION this team’s best-case scenario at QB is a second-year player whose best attribute is that he was compared to Texas Tech era Pat Mahomes for like 20 minutes as a freshman? This team is so clearly angling for the #1 pick that they traded a 4th Round pick for Devaughn Vele just to have plausible deniability.
31. Browns
Better coaching, better GM, better best player than the Saints, aaaand that’s it. The defense is woefully thin behind Garrett. 40-year-old Joe Flacco is starting at QB but only for the sake of putting together a month of film for the young guys to study and to give the rest of the team and the fanbase time to align on which young QB they want to clamor for collectively. They also let Nick Chubb walk (for the man can no longer truly run), drafted two RBs, and are now actively seeking a trade for another after their top RB pick was arrested for, you guessed, domestic violence. They also signed a rookie WR who dropped from the 2nd Round all the way to undrafted over his own DV charge. Stay classy.
30. Jets
Part of this reason this is qualified as being “for fantasy” is that I think the Jets will be pretty good, feisty at worst. They will have a good running game and a good defense. But Justin Fields doesn’t elevate the passing weapons. He also steals valuable rushing stats from the RBs. The RB room is crowded, and the coaching staff believes in a true committee approach. Did that stop the Lions’ RBs from being excellent? It didn’t. But Jared Goff had 35 carries last season, while Fields will have over 100. Imagine Gibbs and Montgomery’s production if they’re each getting three fewer touches per game, if you take two TDs and probably 20 first downs off each of their season totals. They each lose 2-3 FP per game, like 50 points total. Definitely would not have returned value on their draft slots.
29. Giants
Bad offense plus good defense is a terrible fantasy formula. And this offense is sustainably bad. Brian Daboll looked at the QB position and said “gotta have triples,” and in doing so showed his hand: the Giants have no interest in modern offense. They are still on that RPO, playaction shot play, Eagles-era Carson Wentz bullshit while every other team is moving away from it. Fucking look how the Chiefs are massacring Mahomes’ prime still running this bullshit three years after the league figured it out.
28. Colts
Ah, the other offensive minded coach about to get fired for living in the same alternate reality as Daboll. I really need the Daniel Jones thing to be some weird motivation tactic for Richardson, but it appears as if this is HC Shane Steichen’s earnest appraisal of the situation. Some people just don’t understand that competitive sports is no place to walk the middle path. You need to have an angle, and you need to push it to its limit. RPO football is founded in indecision. And Daniel Jones is a textbook replacement-level QB. The one potential saving grace is that Jones had a significant career-high passing attempts per game last season and was funneling targets to his best two receivers. (Hellooo, Tyler Warren and Josh Downs!)
27. Steelers
Aaron Rodgers and Arthur Smith are the most narcissistic assholes at their respective positions. They are control freaks who have disdain for people who don’t agree with them. This can work in football. The one place it tends to work every time is in Pittsburgh under Mike Tomlin. So similar to my Jets take, I’m actually in on the Steelers in real football. And despite the low ranking, I’m kind of in on them for fantasy, but similar to the Giants, it’s such a narrow road. Metcalf is the only guy you can play every week. The rest of the WR room is role players, and the team is splitting the pie at TE and RB. And if Arthur Smith gets to call the shots, then Aaron Rodgers is going to have a career-low in attempts per game, and he’s not the runner Mariota or Tannehill were during their time under Smith. Remember Matt Ryan under Arthur Smith. No, why would you? He was in fantasy free agency the entire time. The difference is Rodgers can still sling it, which is why we should want Metcalf, and want him pretty bad. I am morally opposed to rostering Aaron Rodgers, but I think if he strings together a couple good games, it’s legit and one of you unscrupulous souls should take advantage.
26. Panthers
I love Dave Canales. I think he’ll get the most out of Bryce Young, but I think that’s a ceiling of about QB20. Tetairoa McMillan is in the mold of rookie-year Mike Evans, but the actual bake came out 20 pounds shy. But let’s just give him Evans’ rookie line of 1K yards and 12 TDs, good for 10th among WRs in fantasy points that year. While Evans was doing that, everyone else on the Bucs’ offense was worthless in fantasy. Vincent Jackson (RIP) had 1,000 yards but only two TDs, finishing 38th among WRs in FP, with only three weeks above 100 yards AND in the two weeks he had TDs, he failed to go over 30 yards in either contest. So even if McMillan is the truth, the rest of this team is crap.
25. Jaguars
Liam Coen is a douche, and you cannot copy/paste his success with the Bucs over to the Jags. The Jags have weapons, sure, but they’re not the Bucs’ weapons. And the Jags’ o-line is one of the worst in the league. The only reason the Jags are as high as 25 is that I believe in the talent of the best three players on offense. But there are going to be so many times where things are just off, where Trevor gets hit too soon, where these slighter-framed receivers get jammed in ways that Evans and Godwin could never, where nobody has Bucky Irving’s ability to Nightcrawler his way from a TFL into a 20-yard gain. They’re the Jags! They suck!
24. Dolphins
This is where things get tough and where I don’t really consider the offenses bad for fantasy anymore. The problem with the Dolphins is the players don’t match the scheme. What you have to do is imagine what if the 49ers tried their schtick with the Dolphins roster, and what direction do you think the stats would go? Obviously the 49ers have better players, and similar to the Bucs-Jags comparison, they have body types that make the scheme successful. What would Jaylen Waddle be on the 49ers? Ricky Pearsall, more or less? In the 49ers’ dream scenario, Pearsall isn’t even a starter. Now put Deebo on the Dolphins. He’s 2024 Jonnu Smith at double the speed. There is a reason the Dolphins nearly broke the NFL scoring record a couple years ago, and there is a reason their players are hurt all the time. The 49ers’ players are also hurt all the time, but they are built like tanks and can come back. When Achane and Waddle get hurt, they can play again, but they can’t take the punishment this scheme requires. They give you less and less. So don’t come for me after the Dolphins light it up for the first four weeks. Check in in December when they are ice cold and everyone is talking about not whether the Dolphins need to rebuild but how much.
23. Raiders
Chip Kelly is going to cook up a really fun offense, but something like 65% of the time, the ball is going to Jeanty or Bowers, who will both be gone before the 2nd Round of our draft. So it’s just a non-factor for everyone but Corey and (I’m guessing) Kennedy.
22. Seahawks
The Seahawks probably have the league’s best defense, and they have a mediocre offensive line, so they will be run-heavy and opportunistic, playing ball control while making a few big plays. We should be aggressive in getting JSN, Ken Walker, and Zach Charbonnet, in that order, then focus on IDPs. I would leave the rest of the offense completely alone except to chase a Darnold spot-start in a good matchup when Lamar is on bye.
21. Cowboys
They should be good, but they are like the Browns and the Colts where the ownership is just too involved and just not at all competent. This Parsons thing is part of it, but it’s also just obvious every year that the coach doesn’t get to run the team, and it’s not a compromise thing but a mandate thing, and so the vibes will always be bad, and that will have its effect on the field. But I like Schottenheimer’s offense, I really like bringing in Klayton Adams (elite o-line coach from Arizona) as OC, and I believe Dak is a top-10 QB with the potential to lead the league in TDs (which he did two years ago). The RB room is bad, but the line and more importantly the line coach is good. And they finally got a legitimate second WR in Pickens, who’s probably an idiot but has elite physical tools.
20. Chiefs
I held off as long as I could. As I mentioned earlier, they are running a defunct offense, and their consistently end-of-the-first-round draft picks and zero cap space hamstring them into perpetuating this thing. The Chiefs were 21st in yards per play last year, and they did nothing to improve the offense this offseason because they couldn’t afford to. They got at least marginally worse on o-line losing LG Joe Thuney despite solving left tackle through the draft, they didn’t add a significant piece to the RB room (drafted scat back Brashard Smith out of SMU, signed Elijah Mitchell). The potential here, for the Chiefs redemption and for a fantasy sleeper, is rookie Jalen Royals, who is yet another burner, yet another desperate heave to replace Some Trash Asshole, but at least he is over 200 pounds, which is significant since everyone else they tried was under 180. It could finally happen, BUT the book on the Chiefs’ offense is that it’s impossible for rookie WRs to break in. It takes a year to learn, so very similar to the Rashee Rice trajectory, this dude won’t be ready until the actual playoffs, which of course will end with the Chiefs going to the Super Bowl again fuck everything and everyone I hate this game
19. Cardinals
Kyler is too small, the offense wants to run, the offensive line coach left to become an OC, but it works because the players are just nasty. James Conner beat cancer and will beat father time for another year. Marvin Harrison was worth his draft pick, and Trey McBride is a stone-cold, top-three TE along with Kittle and Bowers. The rest goes in the bin.
18. Patriots
I hate to say it, but I’m buying in. Drake Maye is good, the team has depth and versatility at every skill position, and the scheme plus the addition of Will Campbell will fix the offensive line, will make it not noticeably bad. That’s all you need to be an average offense, and that’s where we’re headed. I think we’re looking at a Renaissance in a few fashions. It’s the return of the Patriot Way, the return of Josh McDaniels’ offense, the return of Stefon Diggs as a true #1, the return of Hunter Henry as an elite TE, the return of the dream-crushing committee backfield, and the reincarnation of Edelman/Amendola in Efton Chism. One other fun nugget: Kayshon Boutte had a 300-yard receiving game in college. People don’t understand that he is firmly in the LSU WR lineage with all the household names. He led the team in receiving his freshman and sophomore seasons, the latter of which was over Nabers and BTJ. He was injured his sophomore year and just wasn’t right his junior year, which happened to be the big Jayden Daniels year. Dude is poised for a breakout year.
17. Rams
Look, the Puka and Adams thing is cool. They will have good years. Kyren should be up to his usual stuff, BUT the Rams have been trying to get a committee going and are trying again with rookie RB Jarquez Hunter. Stafford’s back thing is bad. Getting an epidural in the offseason is bad. Stafford had an electric age-33 season when he arrived in LA. Since then, it’s been whatever. Only played nine games his second year, and then he was above-average the last two years, albeit with huge stinkers, memorably bad stretches, three weeks of bad games strung together with only one or two 30-point games per year. Which is why I’m not worried about Puka or Adams, but I’m also not imagining anything like Cooper Kupp’s big year.
16. Titans
This might feel high, but honestly I could have gone higher. I’m really into Cam Ward. That’s all this is. The offensive scheme is meh, but the philosophy is good, the skill players are fast and talented, and Ward is going to make a bunch of plays. Calvin Ridley is a realistic option to finish the year as WR1, the Chig Okonkwo breakout is finally here, and Tyler Lockett is going to get another 1,000 yards. And behind an improved offensive line, Tony Pollard will continue to exceed expectation, getting right around RB10 for the year.
15. Texans
I’m not totally sold that they fixed the offensive line, and even if they did, I’m not interested in anyone but Nico or Mixon in fantasy. But I ranked them high because I think they have a good chance of proving me wrong. It’s a paradox, for sure, but it’s my note, bitches. I also think double-dipping into Iowa State’s star receivers gives them an extremely good chance of hitting on their Higgins to Nico’s Chase. Will it be their Higgins (, Jayden)? Or will it be Noel? Do we just have to wait a year for Tank Dell? Whatever the answer, it is not Christian Kirk. The other reason I ranked them high: I’m not convinced Nick Chubb is done, I’m not convinced Joe Mixon’s injury matters, and I’m not convinced Dameon Pierce’s rookie year was a fluke.
14. Vikings
This is a reach, but I see the opportunity for many useful fantasy options, whereas a lot of teams behind them are more condensed. You also have an elite WR, elite o-line, elite offensive head coach, and a defense that creates havoc but isn’t by any means a shutdown defense. There’s a lot of balance here, but the balance comes from bouncing off extremes. I think we’re looking at a borderline top-five rushing team, if only in attempts. They wanted to be that last year, but they didn’t have the horses. They traded for Jordan Mason, which isn’t enough but again, the attempt is there. I believe they see him as someone who can take the dirty work off Aaron Jones’ plate so that Jones can operate in mostly high-leverage spots and stay fresh for the whole season at age 30. I also think they are a smart team and they understand that you need to have insurance for the guy who gets the ball on half of the plays. The Jordan Addison suspension and the Jalen Nailor injury have forced this team into a corner, but because it’s a smart team, they see this as an opportunity. One, to unleash the running game, and two, to reignite TJ Hockenson.
13. Falcons
I’m too high. It’s fine. The case is upside. Penix has rare arm talent, Bijan is going to be the best RB in the league for the next five years, Drake London is basically Nico Collins, and I can’t quit Kyle Pitts. I don’t have an argument for Kyle Pitts. I have an addiction to Kyle Pitts. And that’s why I’m high. (To be so clear, Atlanta’s is going to be without Darnell Mooney for like six weeks and their next best WR is either Ray-Ray McCloud or someone they add via trade/waivers in the next week.)
12. Broncos
I don’t like Sean Payton, but that man can cook. And three years in, he’s finally had the time and capital to build this thing his way. He got rid of literally everybody except Courtland Sutton, who just signed a big extension, which lets you know he’s the top option in the offense. Bo Nix was actually awesome last year. People shit on him or ignore him, but what? Like seriously, what? He’s the cheap QB who’s taking fantasy teams to the playoffs this season. He had 10 multi-TD games (six 2s, two 3s, three 4s) which is a lot. He finished 7th in total TDs, ahead of Jayden Daniels. And there’s meat on the bone because Nix’s yards per attempt were so low. And because the nature of this offense is so… merit-based(?), you don’t know who other than Sutton and Nix are going to be the dudes, but it’s probably going to be three or four good pieces. And they’re cheap. So you should easily be able to get one of Dobbins, Harvey, Mims, Engram, Franklin, Bryant (rookie WR) without having to reach or sacrifice another guy you really want. What I don’t understand is why Cameron isn’t keeping Nix and why Oliver didn’t just trade for him if he didn’t have anything he liked late. Hell, I might trade for him; I might already have by the time this note goes out.
11. Packers
I love this offense, but I don’t trust Jordan Love. I don’t trust his accuracy, his footwork, or his ability to protect himself. But the offense, the scheme, the line, the depth of talent, that combination makes Love right enough of the time to take bets on Packers’ skill players. The bet is also based on finally having a go-to WR in rookie Matthew Golden, and the continued ascension of TE Tucker Kraft. Jayden Reed is Deebo Light (literally, a solid 25 pounds lighter), and Josh Jacobs should be able to be a bell-cow at least one more year before he starts breaking down.
10. Bears
I want to put them in the elite, but I just can’t get there with a second-year QB in this complex of an offense. Just don’t believe it’s possible for the Bears to jump into the top ten overnight like that. More realistically, the Bears will have a hot start because teams have no idea what’s coming, but then there will be a combination of fatigue, overload, and a much tougher schedule as the season goes on. They’ll be good, but this is a reminder to buy the Bears where they are and get value, not to reach for what’s not happening until next year.
9. Lions
I’m calling my shot. I don’t always think coaching matters, but you just have to understand how important Ben Johnson is. The analogy I’ll use is Kyle Shanahan. In 2016, Kyle Shanahan made 31-yo Matt Ryan the MVP of the league. Ryan threw for 4,900 yards, 38 TDs, and 7 INT. In 2017, Shanahan left, and Ryan threw for 4,000 yards, 20 TD, and 12 INT. Not terrible. Didn’t collapse. The team went 10-6, won a playoff game even; Julio Jones had 1,400 yards… but -900 yards, -18 TD, +5 INT, that means Ryan lost 150 FP from one season to the next, and nobody outside of Julio was even playable in fantasy. All this to say that I’m betting on the Lions getting significantly worse. But Jared Goff is better than Matt Ryan. His stats are better, his team is better, Dan Campbell is better than (severely alcoholic) Steve Sarkisian. So the Lions will be okay, but right now there’s consensus that Gibbs and Amon-Ra are top-15 picks, and I’m not feeling that whatsoever.
8. Chargers
Justin Herbert had an insane 2024. 23 TD and 3 INT, best INT% in the league. Only Herbert and Lamar had fewer than 1% of their passes picked. League average was 2.2% and has been pretty consistently. But 23 TDs with under 4K yards and only about 50 points added as a runner doesn’t amount to much in fantasy. Sky’s the limit, though. If the Chargers decide they want to, and the effort they’ve made to improve the receiver room tells me they want to, they could get Herbert in the 4,500 yard range with 30 TDs and that’s top-5 territory. And that would mean three receivers are eating, AND my highest ranked Charger is the rookie RB, so I definitely believe he’s eating regardless, and he's only eating more if things resemble last season. Also, I think Keenan Allen, like Stef Diggs, is still a true #1. The Bears coaches had their heads up their asses. Ladd is younger, faster, but he’s not repeating his rookie numbers with Keenan drawing an easy 100+ targets.
7. Commanders
This is the scary one. I know this ranking is wrong, but I don’t know whether I’m slightly low or way too high. It really doesn’t make sense that the ‘Ders were good last year. The roster doesn’t justify it, and the coaching staff doesn’t justify it. It kind of just happened. But Daniels is arguably QB3 because he’s a true QB whose second only to Lamar in rushing ability. Lamar never had a McLaurin or even a Deebo, and Daniels has both. The Brian Robinson thing is fascinating. The overnight explosion of Bill into the forefront, of Chris Rodriguez as a starter, the whole thing is insane. And instead of trying to understand it, I’m just going to trust the elite QB. I’m guessing Kliff Kingsbury is really that dude, and his woes in Arizona can be blamed on Kyler Murray and a bad GM.
6. Bengals
We know what we like, we know what they like. The only thing not to like is the offensive line, but it was good enough for Burrow to lead the league in touchdowns last year and isn’t any worse this year.
5. 49ers
I want to believe they have to suffer consequences of neglecting the o-line and leaning into a scheme that definitely causes injuries, but I don’t think those consequences have anything to do with scoring fewer fantasy points or being less predictable about where those points funnel. What I love most about this offense is how the fantasy scoring is condensed to four fucking players every year, and we always know who those players are before the draft.
4. Eagles
What I love/hate about the Eagles is that every starter at every position is good if not great if not a fucking superstar. I will say that this year they are a little thin at guard, but it’s only a matter of time until I learn, no wait, actually that guy I thought was a backup was actually like Irish stone-lift god who is a year away from making the Pro Bowl. Are you aware that the Eagles’ backup QB, a former sixth-rounder named Tanner McKee, is like, good enough to start for the bottom five offenses on this list? These assholes traded a mildewed duvet cover for Jahan Dotson still on his first-round rookie deal last year, then they traded a left-handed Whopper from 1998 for John Metchie this year. Oh my god and they got probably the Raiders’ best corner in the league for a 4th round pick. It’s bullshit! Zack Baun, the LB1 in Mortydome last year, is on like a 3 million dollar deal because the Saints thought he was a situational pass rusher when he’s actually a lockdown cover LB? What? Even in this year’s draft, Jihaad Campbell entered draft season as probably the 10th best player, and the Eagles picked him THIRTY FIRST. They are just straight-up Jedi mind-tricking the league into submission.
3. Bills
But no matter how good the Eagles’ roster is, their QB is no Josh Allen.
2. Ravens
And no matter how good Josh Allen is, he is no Lamar Jackson.
1. Bucs
And as much as I love Lamar, I’ve got six words for him…
Get your weight up, little boy.
