Another year, another overindulgence, another first-round exit. And he would do it again, and we would, perhaps in a repressed area of our subconscious, celebrate his joie de vivre, envy his pure lust for the present, hope only to mimic the hell-bend toward the extremes that drive this behavior, that perhaps we may breathe the air on Mars before we waste away.
I’d also be fine being Shelby, same first-round exit but without losing three good picks on the way. Neither of them had a chance to win, not without some left-field free agent shit. It is pretty bad-ass that there was a whole free-agent lineup that could have won any playoff matchup this week:
QB Rodgers 41
RB Spears 24
WR Bateman 23
WR Coker 20
TE Moreau 13
FX J.Hill 19
FX Ty Johnson 17
K Reichard 15
DL K. Turner 15
LB E. Cooper 22
DB Stingley 20
Good for over 230 when you include the decimals. Hell, let’s just look at a lineup where all the players were on one of our rosters this year. Replace Coker, Moreau, Turner, Cooper, and Stingley. (I didn’t even include a DX above.)
QB Rodgers 41
RB Spears 24
WR Bateman 23
WR Doubs 16
TE Pitts 3
FX Hill 19
FX Johnson 17
K Reichard 15
DL Highsmith 14
LB To’o To’o 12
DB B. Jones 20
DX McDuffie 18
222 FP. Obviously no one would try this or get this right, but as someone avoiding last place next week, I’m willing to take at least one shot on a free agent with a good matchup rather than dancing with the ones that brought me to the brink of paying postage for the Jerry. Good news for Jerry is that one way or another, he’ll get to see the Pacific Ocean in 2025.
As big of a loser as I am heading into my final week of the year, there is one key difference between me and this week’s three other losers: I had the winning points on my bench. Now, does this make me a bigger loser because I mismanaged my team (again)? Maybe. But it all points to a bounceback next week, the only win that has mattered to me since this season kicked off: the win to escape last place. I have lived and died a hundred times this season, but I haven’t been in last place. Or have I? Was I in last place at 3-6? I probably had more points than Shelby then. I’m going to say I was never in last because I think I would have mentioned it in a note, and I didn’t mention it in a note.
Max won the Battle for Hawk Tua, and Oliver has to change Hockenson’s nickname.
Kennedy won the battle but he lost David Montgomery. This is the beauty of doubling-down on Lions RBs, as Jahmyr Gibbs played literally every snap after Montgomery went down. Despite winning, Kennedy left meat on the bone everywhere but from his Lions. 140 + meat might not be enough to take down Sean, but take solace in the fact that Josh Allen peaked too soon, Saquon is breaking down, Cook and Conner are coming off too-huge games. Maybe 140 + meat is enough. Sean just dropped 194 and would have barely lost to Max.
Max wanted 200, but he’ll have to keep edging at least a week longer. You know the sweetest time to break that 200 hymen would be mid-championship-win, taking down Sean as you do. If I know anything about Game of Thrones, that makes you Ned Stark? Or a Tarrrggarryyenn? (I know there are extra letters somewhere; all the realms use Scandinavian spelling rules.) I will settle for another show I don’t understand the appeal of and say it would make you Tom Wambsgans.
Now Shelby and Oliver play for 5th place, which seems like the perfect matchup to agree to a joust. Neither of them are going to spend time on their lineup anyway, might as well have a little bit of fun with it. I would joust with Spencer, but the magic of my team is that I don’t have a good enough player to win a joust, yet I have a good chance at winning my matchup most weeks.
In the pick ladder, Cameron and Corey re-enter. Corey would have been the top overall scorer in the lower bracket had he set his lineup. Going forward, he has been blessed by Mahomes’s sprained ankle. He can start Goff without concern. He probably won’t get that sweet 50-piece he missed out on last week, and it would come in handy against Evan, who might get a repeat 40-pointer from Baker as the Bucs keep pounding for that division title and the offense keeps setting up shots to get Mike Evans his 1,000 yards. My bet right now for who will win first pick is Evan. He came into this bracket with the most points, and he scored the most points in Round 1.
Brian advances to face Cameron. Now that Brian doesn’t give a shit at all, he is set free and can finally let his team lead him to victory. Cameron’s team was falling apart, then he sold off some of the best parts, then he got the melee win he needed, but it wasn’t enough. In Round 1, he outscored three playoff teams. What’s better than a handful of extra picks, including an extra first-round pick? All that, plus the first overall pick. It’s not quite the Coleman blueprint, but it’s top-3 draft capital all-time as far as I can remember.
Imagine I tied it all together here with a brilliant conclusion.
