Quick life update: Miles is potty training. Three full days naked from the waist down. Rick & Morty fans will know what I mean when I saw it got schwifty in here. Also, I’m starting a Master’s program in January, gonna have that sweet M.Ed. by July ‘26. Just preparing you way in advance for next fall, when I’ll be working full-time and doing a full course load during the fantasy football season. So we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but basically I’m gonna need each of you to start paying me $1,000 to write the note, and also not expect a note. Good? Good.
JK, I’ll still write the note. It’ll probably just go back to being sporadic and insane and might just be a copy/paste of my AI-generated homework with a couple of Taysoms and Jameises thrown in for good measure. Do you guys understand that the current state of higher education is that professors are using AI to generate questions and students are using AI to generate answers? Like, it was always bullshit, but at least people were actually having to crunch the keys. A colleague of mine recently fudged 40 hours of professional development credit in just 45 minutes using AI to write responses that nobody was ever going to read. Everything is garbage. On the bright side, I’ll be making like twice as much money come Fall ’26. And I won’t have to buy diapers again ever, so I’ll have like triple the money.
Speaking of extra money, we should all start saving for the day we descend on Kennedy’s Chicago condo for an in-person draft. Bring the loved ones, book a massive rental, and dump all the kids with them for three hours while we just annihilate Kennedy’s place with weed smoke and wine spills. Does anybody remember that one birthday of mine where we went to Shelby and Corey’s apartment in… Rocks something? Not Indian Rocks. Something near Clearwater. Anyway, we all got wrecked and kept spilling wine on their white carpets and tossing ShamWows to each other? Good times. I fondly remember Coleman falling asleep sitting up against a wall. Not that that we all haven’t been there. I just remember so little else about that night. The point is we should regress for one evening and do that at Kennedy’s while sabotaging our own fantasy teams.
Mercifully, we won’t get a Bucs game this week. The Bucs are no strangers to four-game losing streaks, but this one has to be the absolute best, the absolute narrowest of margins, the least pitiful and yet totally hopeless. The 49ers game was pretty disastrous, should have lost by 12 on missed FGs alone, but hey, if you’re forcing field goals, you’re doing something right. I saw a tweet this week reminding folks that three NFC South teams hired new OCs but retained their previous defensive playcallers, and those three teams are the bottom three in points allowed this season. But the bye should give Mike Evans enough time to heal. Will that fix the defense? It won’t. But maybe it’ll get us back to scoring enough points to cover for the 30 points we’re allowing each week.
Let’s talk real quick about bad defenses because sleeper is giving us bad information. The early part of the season carries equal weight in the matchup rankings, but recent results are more relevant. Bad defenses are important. Not only do they allow more fantasy points, they put their own offenses in bad positions. Good defenses are important not because they allow fewer fantasy points but because they put their offenses in good positions. Russell Wilson and Bo Nix are good fantasy QBs because their defenses keep their games close. We sometimes trick ourselves into thinking we want our QBs to have to throw, but look what happened to Aaron Rodgers last week when he had to throw against Arizona. What we want is for our QBs to have the full playbook at their disposal. And then the gravy comes when the offense prefers to pass, but most offenses don’t do that, not this year anyway. Not now that almost every offensive coordinator has finally caught on to the fact that defenses are historically small and easy to push around.
An example of bad information: Jacksonville’s defense is rated close to the bottom against all positions. They show up money green against every player they face. But the details: they brought in a new defensive coordinator in the offseason, and he changed the whole defense. They were always going to start off bad while they jelled. From Weeks 3-7, they played without their best two players, including the QB of the defense in Oluokun. Now, they’re not good. They aren’t standing up to the Packers, Eagles, or this week the Lions, but they are good enough to handle Sam Darnold, and coming down the stretch they face the Titans, Jets, and Raiders. You might be put in the desperate position of starting players from those trash offenses against a supposedly terrible defense. Don’t be fooled.
An actually bad defense that shows up as a red or orange matchup on sleeper is the Titans. Their first three games were against Caleb Williams in the first pro game, Aaron Rodgers in his second game back from injury, and Malik Willis spot-starting for Jordan Love, and they lost them all. Their first win came against Tyler Huntley, who had been with the Dolphins for about a week. Then they lost to Joe Flacco, who we are now sure is not good anymore, and you can’t even use Jonathan Taylor as a counter-argument because he didn’t play in that game. Then the Titans got blown out by the Bills, Lions, and Chargers. Part of the problem is that the Titans are bad all over. But part of the problem is that in those three games against good offenses, they forced zero turnovers. Literally zero.
Actually bad defenses (where I won’t get super-detailed; I have to maintain some edge now that my season isn’t over): Atlanta, Carolina, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, LA Rams, New Orleans, NY Jets, Tampa Bay, Tennessee. (Yes, the entire NFC South is bad on defense.)
Actually good defenses (but still, don’t be afraid): Buffalo, Cleveland, Denver, Detroit, Houston, Kansas City, LA Chargers, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, San Francisco.
Everything else is more a matter of matchup. The Eagles are playing well, but they’re playing trash teams. The Commanders-Rams-Ravens gauntlet will put that to the test. The Rams didn’t show well against Miami, but Miami runs a defense designed to defend the McVay/Shanahan stuff (the Ravens, Seahawks, and Titans run a similar defense). The Eagles’ defense is headed by Vic Fangio, whose stuff is famously bad against that brand of offense (the Panthers run a similar defense). All this to say that if you don’t want to get into the details, don’t buy into the matchups. Play your best players against whoever.
Coleman has clinched a playoff spot. One more win clinches a playoff bye, reason being that he’ll have reduced his maximum losses to four while handing Sean his fifth loss. 3rd and 4th place teams Kennedy and Oliver play each other, so one of them is going to get his fifth loss this week, too. When you factor in Coleman’s points lead over Kennedy and Oliver, a win for Coleman effectively clinches the #1 seed. With three regular season games left to play.
Sean clinches a playoff spot with a win. He effectively clinches a playoff spot if he scores his season average this week.
Kennedy and Oliver can’t clinch, but the winer separates from the back while kicking the loser back off the wall into the clutches of the angry crowd.
Max is eliminated if he loses. The details are many, but basically he would need six other teams to finish with eight losses, and the math won’t let that happen. The mathematical elimination might go down to the wire, but the melee would bury the dagger. There are 84 losses in a fantasy season, and Max would need 56 of them concentrated among seven teams (his included). That means the top five teams can only combined for 28 losses. Currently they have 18, and after this week they will have a minimum of 20. There are multiple ways losses can accumulate among the top five. The current top five can lose, and teams outside the top five can win, grandfathering in their losses as they do. Max can easily snag a playoff spot if the teams with winning records just keep winning. But each of those teams has at least one loss in the past two weeks, and two of them have lost two straight. The top five teams are a collective 32-18 on the year, but in the past two weeks, they are a combined 4-6.
TL;DR Max is screwed.
Sorry, bud, I gotta do it to you. I need the win. You had your chance on all those weeks where Lamar went nuts. The Steelers came through for me against Jayden Daniels last week, and they will deliver me once more. More crucially, Jameis Winston’s revenge game against the Saints will reignite the conversation for him to be the Browns’ franchise QB.
Max has the ceRBerus, but it’s weakened. Aaron Jones is banged up, Alvin Kamara faces a legit downhill run defense, and the Bears can follow the Cardinals’ blueprint for containing Josh Jacobs (they play a similar style of defense with better players). Chuba Hubbard is on bye, but Nick Chubb is not. Nick Chubb is off bye and fresh as fuck. Jaylen Warren faces a Ravens defense that allowed 16 FP to Chase Brown last week.
The WR matchup is gross. If Tee Higgins misses a fourth straight game, I’m down to Jerry Jeudy and Khalil Shakir against Jameson Williams and STA. My guys should see more targets, Max’s should have way, way more yards and probably long TDs.
Max made the smart move of adding a second Dolphins receiver to his lineup, spot-starting Jonnu Smith at TE. I would love to rub LaPorta in his face, but LaPorta is hurt (again), so I’m left starting just two TEs this week, Andrews and Taysom.
I am again going into the week with the plan to start three edge rushers for more upside. Having Hunter on Monday night gives me the option to pivot to a higher-floor player depending on what I need by then. Max continues to start Chris Jones, presumably because he’s due after scoring 10 points total in the last four weeks. Josh Allen and Kerby Joseph are also boom-bust options. Only Zaire Franklin offers a high floor, and that comes with a low ceiling. I’m streaming Tre’von Moehrig this week, but I’m not totally sold. Moehrig is in a contract year and has been playing lights out, and it’s just one week so what the hell.
Corey really said, I’ve made it this far without McCaffrey, why change what’s working. I don’t understand the motivation behind the trade. It’s gotta be fear, right? You’re 5-5 despite his absence, and he looked great in his first game back. I could understand bailing because you got a godfather offer. I’m even fine taking the 2nd and running. But to split the baby by taking a 4th and the Patriots’ run game? You essentially agreed to a two-for-one where you give up the 30-point player for the two 15s, and one of them is on layaway! Boo this man! (But also, Drake Maye is good enough to back defenses off and give Rhamondre more room to run.)
Brian has lost four straight, and one more loss will all but bury him. First, he’d be losing to Corey (cause of death: sheer embarrassment), and then either Max or I will win and either Shelby or Evan will win, so Brian’s ghost would (on the way to deleting his browsing data) find this team between tenth and twelfth place with some significant bye weeks yet to come (Breece, London, BTJ in Week 12; JD and JT in Week 14). Brian needs to trade for Jameis Winston now so that he doesn’t have to bet on JD @PHI in a Thursday night game of all things. Or he needs to pack it in because if he loses this week, there’s no run-the-table magic coming. Just draft picks and pain.
The QB matchup favors Corey immensely. Either does the obvious and starts Goff at home in the dome against the Jags (sans Trevor), which is so obvious that it’s obviously a trap. The last time Jared Goff had a matchup this favorable was against the Titans three weeks ago. He threw three TDs and scored—wait for it—16 fantasy points. Jared Goff has scored 30 FP twice this year, but the other nine games, he’s scored between 12.4 and 19.4. Meanwhile Mahomes is @BUF in the wind and rain. So I guess you’re stuck with Goff. Really it doesn’t matter. They both have floors around 13 and ceilings around 30, spending most of their time below the median.
The RB matchup finds Brian down one head of his ceRBerus, while the other heads (Breece and JT) face each other in what should, if NFL coaches know anything, be extremely run-heavy on both sides. Both teams are likely to be without their starting left tackles, both teams suck at defending the run, both teams have QBs they desperately need to keep from shooting themselves in the foot. We were absolutely robbed of a Rodgers-Flacco matchup combined with a Flacco revenge game. If either of these teams throws more than 20 passes, they aren’t serious about winning. Whichever team throws more passes will lose. That’s my guarantee. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I’ve got spare time.
With CMC shipped out and Bucky on bye, Corey only has Rhamondre to start at RB, but it’s against a mediocre Rams’ defense. Sadly, regression is coming for the Rams’ offense, and they’re going to put the Pats in passing mode early. The Pats like passing to Rhamondre, but those passes don’t result in fantasy points. On the season, he has 24 catches for 102 yards and 1 TD, but that TD was a glitch in the matrix. that TD was a glitch in the matrix.
WRs are Corey’s strength by default, but his weird fucking bunch has been incredible. JSN dropped 34 FP in his last game, McLaurin is on an unparalleled streak of double-digit scores, Mooney has gone for over 85 yards in half his games, and Jakobi Meyers is matching McLaurin’s output in games without Davante.
But Brian is back to full strength at WR this week, but the matchups are brutal. DK @SF, London @DEN, Reed @CHI, and BTJ running farther downfield than Mac Jones can throw. His best matchup is McConkey vs.CIN on Sunday night, but Brian might be too scared to start him. But fret not Brian: if you trade for Jameis, I will throw Jeudy in the deal. Problem solved.
Tucker Kraft vs. Brock Bowers is a sweet TE matchup, with Bowers @MIA an obvious candidate for top overall TE this week. Miami’s LBs are total garbage in the passing game. Tucker Kraft is basically George Kittle, though. I really don’t even think about his matchup.
Corey’s kicker scored 11 FP in the final minutes of Sunday Night Football last week. His leg is insane. Brian’s kicker is persona non grata and will kick in the wind and rain in maybe the worst city to kick in this time of year (though it’s probably a three-way tie between Buffalo, Cleveland, and Chicago).
IDP is another potential edge for Brian since Corey doesn’t take the positions seriously. Brian’s got the best DB, two high-floor LBs, and in place of bye-week Brian Burns he’ll get to start FSU legend Josh Sweat to hedge against Daniels on Thursday night. Corey’s come to his senses and plugged Micah Parsons back in the lineup, but he’s still starting Luvu, Diggs, and Anzalone at the other three spots for a sure-fire sub-20 collectively.
So it’s simple. Brian trades for Jameis, he wins. Brian starts Daniels, he loses.
QB
Josh Allen cares a lot more about beating Patrick Mahomes than Mahomes cares about beating Josh Allen. The Chiefs have an elite defense, but it’s not flawless. It’s not historic. Josh Allen going full Josh Allen in the wind and rain at home with a shot to take down the champs, he’ll probably do a little too much hero-mode to win, but he’s dropping 30 FP regardless.
Jordan Love doesn’t need to beat the Bears because the Bears will beat themselves. Love could go the entire game without a sack or a turnover and still score under 20 FP in a convincing win for the Packers this week. Edge: Spe
RB
This will finally be the week Spencer starts three RBs. Spencer will be sleeping at mine on Saturday night. I will roofie the wine and set that lineup myself if I have to.
Cameron should start three RBs, but he is probably too scared to plug Estime in the lineup off of one week leading the Broncos’ backfield, when if anything, the RB to avoid this week is the namesake teeny p against the Vikings. The golden ticket, the only ticket left, is Achane, but one is not enough if Spencer starts three. Edge: Spe
WR
Malik Nabers is on bye, but he’s been a dubious auto-start of late anyway. It’s a good time to get a break and be able to take advantage of the Diontae revenge game. Just kidding. Don’t do that. The Ravens don’t play that way. Diontae is not integrated into the offense and will not be a factor until after the bye. Start Odunze and hope the Bears’ new coordinator decides to let Caleb loose. But if you’re starting three RBs, you’re starting GW and Tank and not worrying about Odunze or Diontae anyway.
Cameron is down to Cooper Kupp as his only sure thing, and the sureness only gets you 15-ish points. You’re obviously starting Lamb even with the downside. I think he’s going to get 20 targets this week, but there’s a real risk even that only amounts to 10 FP. When Josh Downs was on my team earlier this year, Cameron said I should only start him if Flacco was the QB, and I wonder if he still believes that. I certainly do. I mean, I love Josh Downs. I’m sad I dropped him. He’s the best WR on the team, and he should lead them in targets. But Anthony Richardson targets are notoriously off-target. I think I’d give Pearsall a shot, especially if Kittle doesn’t play. Pearsall’s speed is a new element for the 49ers, gives a wrinkle opponents aren’t prepared for. This is a reminder that we don’t necessarily care about volume in fantasy football. We care about opportunity. In this offense, a guy can easily cross the 100-yard mark on just a handful of opportunities. Edge: Cameron
TE
Spencer has yet to drop Elijah Moore for a replacement for Dalton Kincaid. The question is: does one simply turn to Dawson Knox? Knox has been invisible for fantasy purposes, but he’s played a solid number of snaps, a season-high 70% of snaps last week with Kincaid leaving early. Personally, I would trade a mid-round pick for Taysom Hill. The obvious answer is Zach Ertz revenge game against Philly, but you’d have to pull the trigger before we know Kincaid’s status. Ertz is actually outscoring Kincaid this year, just barely, but the point is you won’t look stupid, and you won’t have to pivot to a truly garbage TE if Kincaid ends up inactive. (I’m wasting my energy; Spencer is obviously going with Knox.)
Mac Jones sucks, but even the worst QB can check it down to a TE with WR speed and let him work. Edge: Cameron
K
Aubrey baybeeee
IDP
Maxx Crosby is back for Cameron, and Nick Bolton is solid. Jessie Bates and Jaylon Jones need to be cut immediately. If you must have a Colts’ DB, go for Kenny Moore. If you want INT upside, go for Tyrann Mathieu against Jameis, Cam Bynum against Will Levis, or one of the Texans’ DBs against Cooper Rush. With the edges you’ve got elsewhere, you should probably go for floor and pick up a LB: Eric Kendricks against the Texans, Devin Lloyd against the Lions, or Jordyn Brooks against the Raiders. Ernie Jones is available!
Spencer is rolling out some names we like and some scores we hate. I would continue to start Roquan and Nakobe, and I couldn’t quit Derwin if I wanted to, so the obvious choice to find a spark is at DL. Nothing against Khalil Mack, I would just do something else. Zach Allen, Byron Young, and Jeffery Simmons would be my top three. No edge.
This is going to be the tightest game this week, and in that case, you go with the best player. That’s Josh Allen.
Karma is coming for Kennedy after that McCaffrey trade. It was a great trade, especially the offer of a stone-cold 2nd. But in acquiring CMC, you squeezed 49ers WR1 Jauan Jennings out of the lineup, which I think is poor form. You didn’t need to overload your flex spot. You needed to go get a QB and a TE. The extra 15 a week from McCaffrey doesn’t cover for your QB and TE combining for 12. Okay, sure, things will get better. You’ll throw me your 5th for LaPorta to complete your Lions Mt. Rushmore, and the return of Nico will boost Stroud back to average. You’ll get a comfortable 30 from the QB and TE combo to go with the 70 from your RBs and the 30 from your WRs. You’ll have 130 points before you even get to the back-half of your lineup. You’ll be a contender. And Jauan and his normal lungs will lie in wait for Nico’s bye week and maybe an unfortunate playoff injury, but then the day will come when you inevitably go up against Lamar or Allen and you wonder what might have been, as you watch Stroud get eaten alive by either the Dolphins, Chiefs, or Ravens’ overwhelming pass-rush, and the 100 points you get from your RBs and WRs just don’t put you over. Then what? Well, then you hop in the DeLorean and you take that 2nd Corey effectively gifted you, and you trade it for that Lamar or that Allen, and you reclaim your fate and you become the favorite. Or your wax wings melt as you freefall into open water.
I can’t even give Oliver credit for showing restraint because not only did he already move off of next year’s 2nd, but he’s in the chat trying to give away even more just to spite Sean (which I’m pretty sure is collusion unless Oliver commits to starting whoever he’s out-bidding Sean for). Kennedy might have wax wings, but Oliver’s greasing up his whole ass for Max’s unlubed dildo. I think I might have to stay out of the chat until the Lamar auction is behind us. But if I win this week, then I want to be in that auction! Oliver, you devil!
Okay, so Justin Herbert is coming alive just in time to take on Joe Burrow in a probable shootout despite the Chargers’ defensive success through ten weeks. Burrow’s just so fucking locked in. If Tee Higgins plays, it’s on. And Herbert is game, and Harbaugh is game.
CJ Stroud’s matchup against the Cowboys cannot possibly be a shootout because the Cowboys are shooting blanks, and the Texans’ defense is borderline elite. I know they “got embarrassed” in primetime two weeks in a row, but that’s just more rage to take out on a completely hopeless Cowboys offense. The worst part is the Texans don’t even want to throw. They want to give Joe Mixon 30 carries and settle for short field goals.
So not only is Kennedy dealing with a low ceiling from his QB, those points are going directly to one of Oliver’s RBs, in all likelihood Oliver’s highest scoring player aside from Justin Herbert. And Oliver needs it from Mixon because the Robinsons have tough matchups. They should be good for 10-20 points anyway, but I’d bet on a combination under 30.
And as I alluded to earlier, Kennedy is going to dominate any and all RB matchups between now and the next time he plays his brother. The Lions are at home against the Jags, who are not as bad as we think they are but are also definitely bad enough to get steamrolled by the Lions. And McCaffrey has a division game against a Seahawks defense that’s still not a cohesive unit.
If Oliver had any idea what he was doing at WR, he might have the edge as the Lions won’t need much from Amon-Ra and the Cowboys will bracket Nico (or he’ll just flat-out lose to Trevon Diggs in the red zone). Courtland Sutton is hot, and the Falcons are colored green, but AJ Terrell can guard Courtland Sutton. I would pivot off of that. And I definitely wouldn’t start Romeo Doubs against Chicago’s zone defense. Jayden Reed, Christian Watson, and Tucker Kraft are going to steal that show. I would start Davante Adams in a get-right game against a pitiful Colts defense in a game where the Jets will be dumb enough to throw more than they run (again), and I would stack QJ with Herbert in the shootout.
I would low-key hope Kittle is ruled out so that I could squeeze Hockenson in the lineup, but I would 100% start Kittle if he plays.
Kennedy needs a TE. Mike Gesicki sucks. While you’re waiting for LaPorta to get healthy, you should probably go back to Zach Ertz.
Younghoe Koo and Jake Moody each missed three field goals last week.
I regret to inform Oliver that Will Anderson is probably out one more week, but fret not. You can cut Doubs and Lockett for the two IDPs you need to fill your lineup. And I respect the commitment to Quincy Williams. He’s one of maybe two or three Jets defenders who still give a shit, and he’s racking up stats as a result. Spillane is still that dude. At DB, my guess is Oliver goes back to KeiSean Nixon for the KR scam, but keep in mind the Bears might only get to kick off one time.
Kennedy’s down a Bobby due to bye week, and it looks wrong. Bobby Time is the keystone to this whole structure. I think you’re cooked on this detail alone.
What I love about this matchup is that both teams are cornered into their starting lineups because of injuries and bye weeks. This would be game of the week if not for the top two teams playing each other. I really want to call this a loser-leaves-town match, but it’s just not the case. I think a loss for Shelby ends her season because of the Bengals’ bye next week, but I don’t think a loss this week is enough to eliminate Evan. He’s maybe the most likely team to win out following the Bucs’ bye week, especially after he gives me his 2nd for Mike Evans. His lineup this week is hot garbage, but when you throw Baker and Evans in there against the Giants, Panthers, and Raiders, it’s party time.
Shelby has weak matchups on paper, but the players render those matchups insignificant. Burrow makes the Chases matchup-proof, Russ makes Pickens matchup-proof, the Bears coaches are going to feed DJ Moore to win back the locker room, and I know I said the matchups are insignificant, but Kyle Pitts is the Falcons’ best matchup against the Broncos. Shelby’s just hoping Najee Harris can play. She can’t turn to Jaylen Waddle without seeing the potential. Waddle is pacing for career lows in every category this season. We saw a glimmer on the first drive of Monday Night Football, but then he disappeared again. The Dolphins would rather throw to a one-handed asshole than give Waddle more than six targets. I think if Najee can’t go, Shelby needs to drop Khalil Herbert for a streamer or trade Waddle for a something less sexy but more concrete. Really, she should throw me an early pick for Tee Higgins. That’s what I would do.
Evan is starting Drake Maye, who is exciting but not yet good, against a Rams’ defense that is also exciting but not yet good. It could go either way, but the Rams’ combination of pass-rush and safety play makes me think it’s going to go poorly for Maye. I don’t think he’ll find room to run, and I think he’ll take sacks or throw late. I would bet lots and lots of money on the Rams to win this game, and I would be a small amount of money on the margin being more than 20. Evan should have dropped Javonte Williams for a QB on waiver day. He can still pivot to Aaron Rodgers, who sucks at football and critical thinking, but at least has receivers who get open.
Evan is also starting D’Andre Swift, who the Packers will key on until Caleb proves he can sling it, which might not happen. The offense might be broken. Thomas Brown comes from the McVay tree, but when he took over as Panthers OC last year, he was running the old McVay stuff, the stuff that forced McVay to consider retirement because he thought he might not have it anymore. If DJ Moore, Keenan Allen, and Rome Odunze aren’t getting open, that’s a systemic issue. I don’t think changing your playcaller moves the needle if you don’t change the playbook.
D’Andre Hopkins is washed. I don’t care how many points he scores. He can’t run or jump. He’s late-stage Julio Jones with better hands and better QB play.
AJ Brown and David Njoku are legit. No hate there.
Austin Ekeler is back to kick returns and dump-offs now that Brian Robinson is back.
Ray-Ray McCloud, more like… Ass-Ass FartCloud. Just start two TEs. Don’t do this to yourself.
The IDPs are really good in this matchup. Shelby’s starting Bosa, Oluokun, and Alontae, three rock-solid starters, and Dorian Williams, who Shelby inexplicably blew a super high waiver claim on a couple weeks ago. Williams has been solid enough to start though. Looking like a strong 40-point week from this crew.
Evan starts Rousseau, Warner, and Baun for solid (sometimes spectacular) points, and while Brandon Jones is low-key good, I think you could do better.
I’m sorry, but it’s an immutable truth that Sean is unbeatable. I don’t care that he has four losses and that he’s just lost two in a row. Those aren’t playoff games. They only matter if you lose enough of them to miss the playoffs. Sean lost last week despite finishing second in scoring. He’s hitting his stride. Look at all those green matchups. Look at all of Coleman’s red and yellows. There’s no denying the colors on the screen. They decide our fates. They certainly don’t just change from week to week, or even during the week after Thursday Night Football is over. They’re colors! They don’t bleed, they don’t run! You know who else doesn’t bleed or run? Sean. Sean makes you bleed and run. He makes you piss your fucking pants is what he does. So what you have Jalen Hurts, Derrick Henry, Justin Jefferson, Travis Kelce, Kyren Williams, and Ken Walker. Only one of those guys went to a real school. According to Learn.org, “Brock Purdy graduated in 2021 with a degree in communication studies and a 3.8 GPA, showing that he was dedicated to both his academic career and his football career.” Study up on getting your nuts kicked so hard they pop out of your asshole, Coleman.
(But seriously, please win. If we can keep beating Sean, we could keep him out of the playoffs altogether. You take him down this week, we all band together to trade Evan the best lineup for next week, you rig that rivalry matchup however you can daddy, and somehow six of us outscore him in the melee. We can do this! His kicker will be on bye during the melee; he’ll be so weak! And I’m sure Puka will fuck up his knee again by then, we’ve got this! I can feel Sean’s tears flowing from the future. Let’s drink that shit like Michael Jordan’s secret stuff and fuck his shit all up as one!)
Look, all I know is: I have some good players left, and most of you need good players. What’s a draft pick? It’s not like having the best draft picks made one of us an unstoppable juggernaut. C’mon, just… give iiit.
