Should Tua retire? He should sit out the remainder of the season and at least consider it. See what happens. He got that fat signing bonus. He’s NFL rich now. He could definitely do the Andrew Luck thing, retire, disappear for a minute, coach some youth football. My guess: he will return to play this season. The why behind this is more complicated, has a lot to do with his relationship with his father. But yeah, he’ll return to play so quickly that it will be awkward for people on TV to talk about it. They’ll smother it in NFL schmaltz (“you gotta admire his dedication to the game”), but it will be very clear they are thinking, “This guy is a fucking idiot.”
Part of what makes him an idiot is the journey it took to get to this moment. First, Tua really wasn’t very good. I mean, he could throw the ball well, but that was about it. He could time up a route and hit any spot. But that was the end of it. He didn’t seem smart. There was concern he kind of only knew how to do what he was told, that he couldn’t create. He didn’t feel pressure in the pocket, and he sure didn’t break sacks. Brian Flores thought he was not fit for the NFL. Then Mike McDaniel saved his career by installing a system where all Tua had to do was throw to spots. But the lack of pocket awareness was still there. Tua got “rag-dolled” (not my term) repeatedly, and he suffered two concussions in, what, a month? So then his team devised this plan for Tua to put on weight so he couldn’t get thrown around as easily. He played a full season without a concussion and tore up the league… most weeks. But he was just a statue QB, whereas in his best playing days he was able to scramble a little bit, extend drives that way, keep the defense honest… soooo his team devised this plan where he would lose weight, increase mobility… and two weeks in he’s concussed again. Granted, it wasn’t because he was rag-dolled. It was because he was scrambling for a first down. So this is the idiocy illustrated. This is why continuing to play football doesn’t make a lot of sense. There is always going to be something that feels wrong about it, so maybe just trust that feeling and go on a mission trip or something.
What do you do about Miami fantasy players in the meantime? I mean, sure, I think Tua comes back by Week 6, but that’s still three full games of Skylar Thompson, maybe Mike White. We can’t glean a lot from Thompson’s time on Thursday. He played 21 snaps, 11 of them with the backup receivers (and De’Von Achane for some reason), and none of them with the starting LT or LG. It’s not enough to scare me off of the Dolphins’ pass-catchers completely, but I would think of it like starting the pass-catchers for Jimmy Garapollo’s 49ers… and then shave 15% off of that.
Should I have traded Kyler Murray? In the spirit of competitive balance, probably not. The only way I was getting more than a late 3rd was if I was able to hold out until the trade deadline, which would mean Kyler staying healthy and awesome. I have never had that kind of patience. I got what I thought was the best offer I would get. If you would have bested Sean’s offer, I think I did you a favor.
Am I tanking? I joked about it, but I don’t intend on losing games. When I told Stephanie I made this trade, her response was, “So you’re quitting?” And I’m like, no, I immediately started toying with more trade offers to add players. I stacked my watchlist. I’m hunting for the next flip. I think QB is the most replaceable position in Mortydome. We only need one, and it’s early. Could everyone go out and add a bunch of QBs and freeze me out? Sure, but then there would be even higher quality talent available at the less-replaceable positions. I started a third-string RB this week, and I thought it was a competitive move. My strategy was to draft a Moneyball roster, and you know what happens in Moneyball? They trade rookie-contract Carlos Peña for a relief pitcher with the intent of flipping that relief pitcher the following season. The worst sin I’m committing is counting my chickens by assuming I didn’t have room to keep Kyler at mid-value next season because I would rather keep Nick Chubb early and Brian Thomas mid.
Look, I think Kyler is awesome. I traded for him before our draft because I was convinced he was a top-six QB. But then this Rams game happened, and the week around it happened. My team was total dogshit two weeks in a row, to the point that Kyler’s 40 got me to a whopping 113 points. He did it against this totally broken Rams team that he won’t play again until our playoffs, and my guess is by then, they won’t be broken anymore. Sean was so desperate at QB that he added a third one before the games started, and then all three of his QBs scored under 15 FP. You’ve gotta be able to capitalize on bad vibes. Sean getting the win despite getting 3 points from Stafford was perfect. Because if you feel like you are one piece away, you are willing to overpay for that piece. (Again, I think a late 3rd is fair value, but I don’t think most people would have paid it most weeks, especially since I’m a famously easy target in trades.)
What is wrong with the Ravens? Beats me, brother. I’m a Bucs fan.
The Bucs are so, so good, but let’s talk about how the Lions are stupid. I get why their original game plan was to exploit our secondary and our linebackers. What I don’t get is why after Vita Vea went down they threw any passes at all. Yes, we got them on some run blitzes for losses, but they were gashing us every other play. I really believe if they had just committed to running every down and going for every fourth down, they would have forced us to make the game-winning drive for a TD instead of the other way around. ALSO as Shelby mentioned, broadcasters are so lame. One of the “key stats” they posted late in the game was how the Lions were 3 of 3 on fourth-down attempts, despite none of those conversions leading to points. The price of not being a national media darling.
Baker Mayfield is that dude that dude that dude. Holy shit. He has been trying to juke defenders out his whole career, and he finally did it to a third-string linebacker, and it was so, so awesome. The scripted offense to start the game where the plan was Godwin, Godwin, Godwin, brilliant. Did I want more Evans? Of course. Am I also impressed we know how to properly use him as a decoy and still get him some solid action? Yes! I’m fairly convinced next game will be a McMillan game just because Liam Coen is rolling flaming hot dice right now.
The Vea injury felt very serious, and if it is indeed a season-ender, then we’re going to need the offense to be even better than it was in Detroit on Sunday. Which I think it will. I think that’s become one of the toughest places to play. They sell out and they get loud. And we had them shook. The Bucs are home for two weeks (Denver then Philly) and then on the road in Atlanta (they suck) and New Orleans. That Bucs-Saints game… I need you to understand that Tom Brady is going to be calling that game. And he’s going to admit on live television that this offense is better than it was when he was the quarterback. It’s going to be great. With the nation’s eyes upon him, he is going to completely short-circuit. But also the Saints have scored 47 and 44 points in their two games, and they’re going to score 40 against us, and we’re going to need to score 50. Tom Brady is going to watch the Bucs’ offense score more than he ever could in a Bucs’ uniform, and I will transform into pure energy and ascend into the cosmos. We’re all gonna live forever.
Teeny 198 – 113 Thiiing
This game was over almost immediately. The Dolphins gave De’Von Achane 29 touches, including like seven in garbage time. What the hell was that? But so Achane scored 30, Jaylen Wright scored 0.4, and Khalil Shakir did not score 30. But you know, I knew Kyler was gonna score 40, so I wasn’t worried. What I didn’t know was that my seven early-Sunday guys were going to combined for 12 points in the first half. By 11:30 Pacific, I was losing by 100 points. Not an exaggeration. I was losing by 100 fucking points, and I was no longer projected to even score 100 points (I went into the week projected for a league-worst 122—league-worst by about 20 points). Can I really be tanking if I never had a chance to win?
For no reason other than to purge my demons, let me tell you about DeAndre Hopkins. First he injures his knee in training camp, then all reports are he’ll be back for Week 1, so I intend to draft him but kind of get distracted and don’t, so then I trade for him, and then a report comes out that he is playing through a torn MCL, but he practices in limited capacity and is cleared to play, and so I start him, he plays 15 snaps and catches one pass for eight yards, and then I drop him, and then a report comes out that he is in fact playing through a sprain and that the plan all along was for him to play sparingly in Week 1 and that his workload would increase, so I add him again, and he plays twice as many snaps and gets twice as many targets and… catches one pass for nine yards. And now I’m like, do I drop him again? The worst is surely behind us, isn’t it? Shouldn’t I just stick it out. These were a couple of pretty sick defenses (Bears and Jets), and now he’s about to face the Packers and Dolphins. Jaire Alexander and Jalen Ramsey… and then a bye week. So yeah I’m dropping Hopkins, but the plan is to add him again later. Feel free to get in my way.
Good win by Cameron. His back-five (K and IDPs) scored 100 FP by themselves. His offense only needed 14 FP for him to win, and Tony Pollard did that by himself. The Achane/Lamb of it all was just gravy. And then Jessie Bates showed up just to teabag my corpse.
How about Kirk Cousins not being washed? That’s pretty cool.
I also don’t want to downplay the Kupp injury. Behind Lamb, Cameron has absolutely nothing cooking. A combined 10 points from Worthy, Thielen, and Cooks. Might be time to swing an early trade. Mid-round pick for Mooney, to stack with Cousins?
KB Meeseeks 170 – 136 IR Factory
Corey lost another one, and Corey lost another one. Last week it was a melee L and McCaffrey; this week it’s a loss to Kennedy and Pacheco. CMC and Pacheco are likely both out until Week 10. There’s slightly more hope for CMC, but the 49ers would have to be pretty desperate. Corey’s in a tough spot. Holding two injured players for eight weeks is pretty tough, trading injured RBs is tough. You might just drop them. I feel like they’re both good enough that they wouldn’t clear waivers, thus they wouldn’t gain any keeper status (remember, these were Corey’s first two picks, brutal). I think those of us who are bottom-three in waivers would snatch them up if no one else did. Honestly I’d do it just for the future trade value. So you probably just hold on if you’re Corey, hope your “starters” can pull out four wins between now and then, and then your cavalry comes back for the playoff stretch. At worst, you get way better trade value then than you do now.
Kennedy had such a beautiful week. His players simply achieved. Nico Collins slightly overachieved, but 24 FP is nothing nuts. Everyone else knocked in solid double-digits under 20. Leaves plenty of ceiling for future games. The one tragedy here is of course that Amon-Ra super-fucked his leg. But he played through it. Just like he played through a torn oblique last year. He’s just going to limp around and catch ten balls every week if that’s what the Lions need him to do. And even if he doesn’t, it’s probably just more work for the Lions’ RBs. Kennedy’s big-brain move is paying off.
Season 3 186 - 140 Proverbs 16:18
For Sean it’s win one, lose one. Win a melee, lose a Puka. Win again, lose a Deebo. Win a Kyler, lose a 3rd. Yes, I’m coping. Sean left 25 FP from Calvin Ridley on the bench. Rashid Shaheed has 20 FP in back-to-back weeks. He has depth (lol jk).
Brian had a respectable game: 20 FP from three different players. Just didn’t get the necessary juice from QB and IDP. And when you go against a 20-point kicker, it’s just not your week. For the second straight week, Brian finishes seventh in scoring.
Blitz and Chitz 180 - 135 Pickleball
Don’t throw tomatoes at me, but Max should trade for CMC. He should overpay to get it done right now. His team looks stacked, and he’s got the handcuff in Mason. He can afford to wait it out, and he loves his age-cliff bell-cows (and they love him). I think Max should buy low on Pittman or McLaurin while he’s at it, throw in Amari Cooper to make it look legit. He’s hurting at WR. Not only did Some Trash Asshole lose his QB, but Jameson Williams is Max’s top WR through two weeks. That… doesn’t feel good. Then again, if the Lions want to play it safe with Sun God, Jameson is a fucking rocket ship to the moon.
Evan has had a rough start to the season, but the team still looks strong. You lose Love, but Baker will probably outscore him on a per-game basis anyway. You lose AJ Brown (for only a couple weeks), but you already have the handcuff in DeVonta, and Chris Godwin is better in the Cooper Kupp role than Cooper Kupp (albeit less targeted). Mike Gesicki is apparently a thing again? Jerry Jeudy comeback train? Evan just manages to put a team together. It was an ugly couple weeks, but this is a perennial playoff team. Lavonte will start getting those money stats, and Evan will find a second LB.
Fart 178 – 137 ノ(ಠ_ಠノ)
Coleman’s trade with Oliver took another step in the right direction this week. Olave looked pretty good, Mixon went down, Kyren is the last man standing for the Rams, and Oliver won. If Oliver makes the playoffs, that second-rounder is, at worst, the 18th overall pick. 178 points belies that fact that Coleman is paper-thin outside of his starting lineup, and even there, he was lucky to get 18 apiece from Henry and Flowers on the same offense. He needs Ken Walker back now. He needs to be able to keep winning with what he’s got and save his trade ammo for the trade deadline.
Spencer lost this week, but aside from some bad luck in the Bills’ game, their team looked strong. Tank Dell is very clearly third in the Texans’ pecking order, but the injury to Mixon, coupled with the tight wins, might just push them to start airing it out more. And if it’s not Tank Dell, it’s starting to look like Austin Ekeler can give you some solid flex production. And obviously Rome Odunze’s time is coming. Caleb’s gonna get a little better each week. By midseason, Odunze will probably be a better option than Tank full stop. I don’t know what to tell you about Garrett Wilson. Rodgers is up to his old antics: running the play clock all the way down and exploiting the more obvious mismatches. Wilson seems to have a solid floor but also has a pretty terrible schedule.
Jackman 146 - 94 Ghostface
Thank you, Shelby, for keeping my pathetic team out of the basement for a second straight week. I am actively trying to repay the favor. I think you suffered some bad luck, some bad matchups, but ignore past points. You have solid starters. You definitely spent too much draft capital on QBs, but of course that’s hindsight bias. I wouldn’t be too worried about guessing wrong at QB. You had no choice but to heat-check Richardson this week, but it’s probably best to bench him in bad matchups. Like, looking at his schedule, I’d bench him against the Steelers, Pats, and Jets. Probably the Vikings, too. Honestly I’d just trade him because I hate flip-flopping QB and getting it wrong, but I’m an idiot and my team sucks.
Oliver is the only 0-1 team to win this week, also the only 0-1 team facing another 0-1 team. Not discrediting the win completely. Oliver would have won if this were a melee, but he got smoked by the now 2-0 teams, by a range of 24-52. Oliver looks like a playoff hopeful. The injury to Mixon hurts, but now you have room in the lineup for Davante Adams. Aiyuk has been weak sauce for two weeks, but that should have been expected after he didn’t practice from February to September. With Deebo out, Aiyuk is about to feast. Keep churning the bottom of that roster. The Chargers have a bye in Week 5. Let Palmer walk, and take a stab at one of these backup RBs about to assume a starting role.
Oliver and I are playing IDP roulette every week, and the results are about what you’d expect. I personally would like to relax and ride the variance, but I would also like to call my shots at a position where some dude scores 30 in free agency every week. Massive IDP booms are my best shot at avoiding the first 0-14 season in league history.
Fear not, friends. I will be back later this week with the Week 3 Preview.
