But they’re not bad! Three or four or ten Mike Evans drops might be the difference between 3-2 and 5-0. Okay, probably not 5-0, but competitive play in those two losses. Y’know, fuck the drops. If our running game was average, as opposed to being bottom-three in every single statistical category, we’re probably competitive in those two bad losses. Trade for Derrick Henry. Trade for Saquon Barkley. Do something of value. This defense can’t stay together forever. We’re inching closer to Mike Evans walking in free agency. We held the Lions to… oh, shit, here’s something weird. I was going to say that we held the Lions to their lowest point-total of the season, just assuming that was true. But for some reason, I decided to verify and get this: the Falcons also lost to the Lions 20-6. So maybe we’re the same as the Falcons. We have a better defense and QB, they have a better run game.
So that’s the book on the Bucs: catch the ball, trade for a real RB. The Rachaad White experiment is over. The Ke’Shawn Vaughn experiment is Chernobyl. Move a pick for Henry or Barkley. Save the season. We’re going to win too many games to get a top QB in the draft. We’re going to pay Baker. This is the dying breath before we are buried in the dregs of the NFC for another decade.
Defense is back, baby. The Bucs The Browns and Eagles were a huge storyline exiting the Sunday slate. Lane Johnson left the game, and the Eagles couldn’t move the ball anymore. The Giants kept the Bills in check. The Chiefs are winning games because they haven’t allowed more than 21 points in a game—don’t look up the offenses they’ve played, just let me cook. If the 49ers lose Trent Williams, Deebo, or CMC for significant time, they’re relying on their defense to win games. The Ravens are laying up for FGs at the 1-yard line because their defense is elite again. The David Montgomery injury could bury the Lions if Gibbs can’t operate as an inside runner.
The Dolphins are the league’s only great offense. They lead the league in yards per game by over 100 yards per game. Over 100. The last time a team did that for a full season was 1941. Some Trash Asshole is going to get over 1,000 yards by the end of Week 8. He’s not just on pace for 2,000 yards. He’s going to get 2,000 yards. Adam Thielen is a top-5 WR. Offense is dead.
Just look at how Mortydome teams are winning games. IDPs are dominating these wins. It doesn’t matter who you start on offense if Jordan Hicks is dropping 25 FP. And you don’t even have to draft good IDPs. You have to draft a good pass rusher, and then you can just grab tackle-compilers and Reed Blankenship in free agency. I quit.
I just spent a second-rounder to acquire a rookie RB who’s splitting time with a guy drafted in the fifth round of last year’s NFL Draft. But it’s cool because I also acquired that guy. I’ve extended my losing streak to three game, and I’m two losses away from selling the farm and spending the winter watching Snapchats from the southern hemisphere. I can’t go outside and touch grass. The grass is wet and cold, and the sky is dark. Christian McCaffrey is hurt, and I picked up the wrong 49ers’ backup before the game.
But the rest of you have hope. Well, maybe not Shelby. But ten of you have hope. Unless you’re Evan and you’ve already got your super team built, you need to make a move to get better. There’s no such thing as adding depth. As teams fall out of playoff contention, you need to scavenge those teams and build your own super team to contend with the sun-core fueling Evan’s fire to redeem the ending of last season.
But don’t waste your time, is the point I’ll finally meander to here. Some players are off limits. This is a game, and games are fun. Fantasy football is fun. Drafting the best player and watching him play the best and then stop playing because he finally got the will to play beat out of him is fun. No, what’s fun is rooting for your favorite players. Eschew value and get guys you like seeing in your lineup. Ignore the numbers. Focus on where he went to college or that one highlight that convinced you he’s a stud.
Everyone has a price, but sometimes the price is… let’s say unrealistic. I once traded peak Antonio Brown and rookie Nick Chubb for Mike Evans. I would do it again. I’m sick. My brain is bad. But the same can be said of anybody who truly cares about this game. And I hope that’s all of us. Okay, enough intro. Going team-by-team, starting from the top of the standings, here are the players you can’t trade for:
Evan won’t trade you Tua, Swift, AJ Brown, Amon-Ra, Breece, Bosa, or David. He probably won’t trade you Pierce or Pickens either. Tua is the best QB right now, Swift and Brown are his precious Eagles. Amon-Ra is a literal god. Evan acquired Breece at value and wants to be able to boast about it when he’s holding the trophy. Bosa is a great white. David is his only Buc, and you’d have to match the eight-rounder he traded to get him.
Kennedy won’t trade you anyone named Travis. He called his shot acquiring them when he did, and they’re essentially leading their positions. He won’t trade you late-keeper Stroud or elite pass rusher Parsons. He won’t trade you Adams or Ekeler because they’re not scoring enough points to draw fair offers, and once they are scoring the points, he’s winning all his games.
He won’t trade you Bobby Time because Bobby Time is never wrong.
Cameron won’t trade you Kirk Cousins because Cousins refused to waive his no-trade clause. He won’t trade you Some Trash Asshole because he likes the smell. He won’t trade you Teeny Pollard because or De’Von Achane because he likes his little pets. He won’t trade you Maxx Crosby because elite edge rushers are irreplaceable, Crosby especially because he plays every snap and is as big a factor against the run as he is rushing the passer.
Sean will trade you anyone if you offer enough.
Corey won’t trade Burrow, Waddle, or Pitts. Can’t explain why. That’s just the vibe.
Oliver won’t trade Nico Collins, Tyjae Spears, or Marvin Mims. They’re all late keepers, and the ceilings are too high. Quincy Williams is in the discussion, as well, if he keeps dropping 20s like he has the last three weeks. He is the top-scoring IDP this year, with one more point than TJ Watt.
Brian won’t trade his Seminoles, and for weeks he wouldn’t trade me Miles Sanders for some reason. It’s fair to say Josh Allen, Jonathan Taylor, and Cooper Kupp are off limits by virtue of being first-round talents. Andrews is one of three good TEs. But if Brian gets eliminated from playoff contention, he loves a good fire sale.
I won’t trade Lamar, McCaffrey, Evans, Bijan, Garrett, or Roquan. I’m convinced that is the spine of a championship team. I would hold onto most players who score like Kamara, but Kamara himself… not my guy. I’m also two losses away from selling Lamar, CMC, and Bijan to the highest bidders. But Evans is a keeper. He’s stuck with me.
Coleman won’t trade his 49ers. He loves his 49ers. Bleeds red and gold.
Max won’t trade Adam Thielen because Adam Thielen is the second-coming of Jerry Rice. He won’t trade Saquon because he learned his lesson with the Breece trade. He won’t trade big Perv because no one is offering. He won’t trade Keenan Allen because Allen is actually outscoring Adam Thielen.
Spencer… I cannot remember the last time Spencer made a trade. I can’t think of one trade he’s made ever. I’m sure he’s made one, but I also wouldn’t bet on it. Spencer won’t trade his Jags or Bills. You gotta ride the middle class of the AFC if you got ‘em.
Shelby won’t trade Jahmyr Gibbs; I’ve tried. She won’t trade DJ Moore, Jordan Addison, or TJ Watt. The keeper potential is too great. Looking down the barrel of keeping the loser’s trophy in her house for another year, I have to imagine she’ll hold Diggs through the trade deadline again.
God 181 – 138 F’d Up
So much for the 200-point shootout. My team just didn’t get there. The Ravens kicked six field goals, most of them inside the 20, and while I’ll take the 18 FP from my boy Tuck, I’d rather have the Lamar TDs. He was a couple tough breaks away from scoring 40, and I still would have lost by 30 if that happened. But there were nickels and dimes worth left everywhere. Garrett had a sack called back. CMC got hurt. Bijan was open on some bad Ridder targets. Roquan and Queen basically stopped scoring once Malik Willis came in for Tannehill. Mike Evans had the drops, but he also missed out on a 90-yard TD when Baker had a pass batted at the line. Tucker even had an XP blocked. I don’t know where Antoine Winfield was, but it wasn’t around the ball.
Evan left no points on the table. Lavonte had 21 to make that trade look dumb, dumb, dumb. Devon Witherspoon batted down three passes. Ernie Jones had another 10 tackles. Nick Bosa had a late sack. Breece Hall had a late TD when the Eagles D literally let him score so the offense could get the ball back with a chance for a game-winning drive. CeeDee Lamb was immaculate. Tua threw three TD passes in one quarter. And we all saw the Amon-Ra TD and the other million catches. Sigh. And that D’Andre Swift TD was just… he was tackled twice and just kept his balance and got in. Total beatdown.
Money 146 – 116 Ghost
In a matchup of last year’s champion and last year’s loser, the story was basically that Shelby’s team never got off the bus. Herbert barely outscored Dak, Ezekiel Elliot was Shelby’s best RB (on the bench), and Ed Oliver laid a straight zero on TJ Watt’s bye week. Derrick Henry had basically two runs that mattered, as they accounted for about 15 of his points. TJ Edwards, Kyzir White, and Reed Blankenship prove that IDP is a lie, as each of them outscored Devin White by wide margin. Danielle Hunter is the #3 IDP on the year. Brett Maher is an elite kicker now, I guess. Jalen Hurts can play his worst game and still come away with 24 FP. Sean isn’t going back to the championship, but he’s looking like a lock for ten wins as his team always plays up to their billing, in a league where most of us fail to hit 140 each week.
Chasin a Win 153 – 146 IDP-U
This was a legitimate win for Corey, which must be said when two of his wins saw him score in the 120s. I mean, the 25 from Jordan Hicks was a fluke, but that’s what IDPs do. Unless your name is IDP-U, which kind of worked! Except when Brian needed just 9.1 from Derwin James, dude literally vanished. How did he score just one point? Sorry, two points. He had one point through three and a half quarters. How did Josh Allen get bottled up by the Giants? Such an interesting game from Corey’s team. Everyone scored about 10 FP, with Burrow and Hicks the only two players above 13. Solid team win? Is Devin Singletary starting over Dameon Pierce now? Were Devin Singletary and Zack Moss held back by Josh Allen? Is the Bills’ offense actually anything? Is Brian Daboll actually anything? Why is it so hard to know anything about football?
K-Bop 147 – 139 How To
Coleman traded away Bijan Robinson, and then all three of his starting RBs outscored Bijan. Even Rhamondre outscored him by five. Brock Purdy scored eight points, but who cares what your QB does when Raheem Mostert scores three TDs. There was a nice kicker battle, with both McManus and Butker dropping 18. Foye Oluokun was that dude again, dropping 20. But the Jags you’d expect to score, especially in a game where the team had 37 points, Trevor and Calvin just weren’t huge factors, combining for just 21 FP. In an eight-point game, that was the difference. That and Montez Sweat and Julian Love combining for four FP. Credit to Coleman: he chose to have fun, and winning is fun.
Tag-Man 152 – 124 Dave
I hesitate to call this a blowout. Kennedy lost Fields and Montgomery to early injuries, and he had a decent shot of coming back Monday night. In fact, had Kennedy started Stroud and Moss over Fields and Montgomery (literally zero timelines where this happens), he would have won by a point. So it was technically competitive in a world where you get to sub for injured players. You know, the real world. But anyway, giv Oliver credit. 150 is a real score, and he owes it all to my recommendation to pick up Quincy Williams. You’re welcome. Oliver’s team is so weird. His best players (besides Quincy) are Kyren Williams and Nico Collins. This is what you have to do when you trade all your picks the year prior, and I guess it’s cool to watch it play out well for him. Would have been cooler to win a championship, but we love Keanu, we love Shane Falco, and outside of Mahomes, this is the Falco-est team you can assemble.
Kennedy is in rough shape despite being 4-2. Fields and Montgomery will each probably be out until Week 10. Maybe Fields comes back sooner, but even Russell Wilson grinding twelve hours a day rehabbing a dislocated thumb took three weeks to get back. The thought with Monty is that the Lions hold him out two weeks and then have their bye. They have a cushion in the standings and need him for the playoffs. Add to that Davante Adams going to the blue tent every game, Zack Moss losing more ground to JT every game, and things are getting dark.
Jacobsfuscation 158 – 136 Piss Master
This was the only true blowout of the week despite being a closer margin than Shelby’s loss to Sean. Mark my words: this was Adam Thielen’s last great game. Panthers HC Frank Reich is handing over playcalling duties to his OC, and the OC who needs badly to prove he belongs in the league will not spam Adam Thielen plays as he treats these next eleven weeks as an audition for jobs elsewhere. DK Metcalf is over. Christian Wilkins isn’t getting you a two-sack game again. BUT Barkley is back, and the Giants starting LT should be back next week (that’s a guess). And Gus Edwards got tackled one yard shy of the end zone and the first-down marker a solid five times this week. He should have had 15-20 FP, in which case this doesn’t look like a blowout at all. But it was. Cameron’s IDPs combined for 61 FP. Nobody overcomes 61 IDP points. Just ask Shelby.
Spencer vs. Kennedy
QB: Trevor vs. Howell
Trevor hurt his knee and sports a huge brace for practice this week, which sucks for a Thursday night game in New Orleans. The Saints defense suffocates receivers with man coverage, and now there’s more pressure on the receivers to win. Ridley and Kirk are among the league’s best route-runners.
Howell, the league’s most sacked QB, faces the league’s most blitz-happy defense. Perfect recipe for getting (finally) injured. Kennedy should start Tyson Bagent, who set every passing record for his college team, which, look, don’t investigate what team that was or who he played against. Just think about Jaleel McLaughlin owning the record for collegiate rushing yards (again, don’t research at what level of college football), and translate what he did as a spot-starter for Denver to what Bagent could do in a Bears’ offense that was willfully refusing to run plays for Justin Fields’ skill set. System quarterback Tyson Bagent for your fantasy fate!
RB: Cook vs. ETN
Interesting comparison of similar builds and skills here. Against the grain, the Jags are giving Etienne bell-cow status. Meanwhile, the Bills are giving Latavius Murray significant run in a split with Cook. The result is a top-5 RB season for Etienne, with significant injury risk, vs. a top-20 RB season for Cook, with just the lowest ceiling imaginable for a starting RB who can run WR routes.
WR: Ridley & Godwin vs. Adams & Watson
Ridley and Saints’ CB Marshon Lattimore have history. In six games against the Saints, Ridley had 550 yards and 4 TDs; that’s 92 yards per game. Godwin faces the familiar Falcons, against whom he had 50 yards per game last year, 100 yards per game in 2022, and a career average of 80 yards per game.
Davante Adams is getting the shit beat out of him on terrible throws into traffic. He has had to leave mutliple games this year. Christian Watson’s hamstrings are made of string cheese.
TE: Goedert vs. Kelce
Goedert is back. After a disappointing four weeks, he has 30 FP over the last two weeks. He faces a Miami defense whose worst position is its LBs, but those LBs can kind of cover.
Kelce has suffered two different injuries this year, and it feels like only a matter of time until he can’t gut it out anymore. His matchup against the Chargers is amazing. Book another 15 FP.
FX: Aaron & Keaontay vs. Zack & Austin
Ja’Marr Chase and Garrett Wilson are on bye for Spe. He has Roschon Johnson and Romeo Doubs available, and with Shepherd legend Tyson Bagent slinging it, Roshcon should only face stacked boxes on 98% of snaps. Aaron Jones should be back, like all the way back, after resting his hammy an extra week. Keaontay Ingram, um, starts. Spencer should probably start Romeo Doubs drawing the weaker portion of the Broncos secondary. OR let’s look at free agency real quick: Kadarius Toney is interesting, just saying…
Kennedy lost David Montgomery to a rib injury that will keep Montgomery out through the Lions’ bye week, maybe longer if they have a solid lead in the division, which, have you seen that division? Meanwhile, he waits for Jerry Jeudy to be traded to a contender (good luck with that—it would basically be a repeat of last year’s Chase Claypool trade). So he starts Zack Moss, who will be a true backup RB this week. Austin Ekeler will look better this week, but he plays the Chiefs, whose defense is scary good this year.
K: McManus vs. Malik Cunningham
(is who Kennedy has to drop to add… ooh, yikes. Rough week to add a kicker. I’d go with Pendulum Leg Dan Carlson.)
McManus has been mking up for the drives Trevor can’t close. Love the QB-K hedge.
Maybe Kennedy takes Joey Slye for this reason.
DL: Sweat vs. Mack
Kennedy is using magic beans to replace Micah Parsons on bye. You should both drop these guys for other players. Sweat is banged up and Mack is cooked. Chase Young is sixth in the league in applying pressure. Hey, Kennedy’s old flame Jon Allen also plays the Giants (yes, so does Sweat, but why play a hurt player).
LB: Jag & Bill vs. Bobby Time
Never wrong.
DB: Julian Love vs. Cam Bynum
The return of Jamal Adams has relegated Love to sloppy seconds. Cam Bynum has an absurd amount of points cleaning up after a weak, blitz-heavy Vikings front-seven.
The key matchups are QB and WR. If Kennedy can match Spencer there, he has the overall advantage.
Kennedy wins 140 – 136
Oliver vs. Coleman
QB: Mahomes vs. Purdy
Mahomes plays a tragic Chargers defense, and Rashee Rice is becoming a reliable second option in the pass game.
Purdy plays the Vikings, in Minnesota, in prime time, coming off maybe his worst game of his life. The book on Purdy is that if the play breaks down and one of his star skill players doesn’t make the play, the play is dead. Minnesota will be aggrssive in trying to force Purdy off his spot.
RB: Pacheco vs. Mostert
Pacheco can run, the Chargers can’t stop the run.
Mostert can fucking RUN. But will he have room to run against an elite Philly run-front?
WR: Aiyuk & Shaheed vs. Olave & Deebo
Interesting. Oliver and Coleman are relying on the same two offenses. Coleman has volume in his favor, while Oliver has the big play ability. Olave and Deebo are banged up, so that’s another advantage for Oliver.
TE: Kmet vs. Kittle
Get you a TE whose name starts with K.
FX: Broncos vs. Walker & Stevenson
Well, I guess this makes up for the QB disparity. The Broncos have an interesting matchup with Green Bay. The Packers have good players, but the scheme is doesn’t do anything to elevate them.
Walker has been insane, flirting with top-five RB status. Stevenson is back on his bullshit getting a first down or touchdown every other touch. Cool. Bench Stevenson for Rashee Rice. Try to neutralize Mahomes by playing with his favorite new toy.
K: TBD vs. Butker
Oliver will drop Jordan Mason for Greg Joseph on Monday.
DL: Josh Allen vs. Hutch
Josh Allen @ NO means he’s lining up across from a terrible offensive tackle, regardless of which side they put him on. Derek Carr is notoriously afraid of getting hit, so it might not translate to sacks unless Allen can sneak up on him. The real hope for Allen is blowing up some number of the twenty screens to Kamara and Taysom. The hope is that Carr gets hurt and Jameis has to play.
Hitch faces the Ravens. I think Lamar has had the ball stripped out of his hands in every game this year. Other than that, probably a light scoring day for honorary Watt.
LB: Brooks vs. Bolton
Brooks disappointed last week, and I don’t know if I believe in him going forward. The knee might not be all the way back yet. Bolton is awesome and is going to be resonsible for covering Ekeler. Probably a nice tackle week, if not some extra stuff.
DB: TBD vs. Darious
Okay so maybe Olive drops Jordan Mason for Harrison Smith on Monday, use a little Notre Dame juju against Coleman. Oliver is waiting for his resident Domer Kyren Williams to be eligible for the IR slot. So going back to the kicker recommendation, maybe you drop Mason now and try win the race to Dan Carlson.
DX: Quincy vs. Singleton
Solid ten-point advantage in Oliver’s favor here.
As I intimated earlier, the main event here is Mahomes vs. Coleman’s RBs. It’s heavy lifting, but it feels like Mahomes is due. Depending on Trent William’s status, Coleman might regret leaning so heavily on the 49ers, even if we love a Monday night comeback.
Coleman wins 129 – 124; Oliver panic-trades to open Week 8.
Sean vs. Max
QB: Hurts vs. Stafford
Hurts gets at least 20; that’s the rule. Against Miami, probably closer to his usual 30.
Stafford doesn’t get 20; that’s the rule. I don’t know how you justify starting him after he barely scraped ten together against the Cardinals. Stafford is a better option in this week’s cash game than he is in a starting lineup.
RB: Brian vs. Saquon
B.Rob vs. NYG will get bottled up on the ground for the fourth straight week, but he’ll continue to be decent in Mortydome for his first downs and decent chance to find the endzone.
Saquon vs. WAS is a tough matchup because the Giants don’t have an offensive line, and all the ‘Ders have on defense is their line. For fantasy’s sake, Barkley needs to be a primary option in the pass game.
WR: Jakobi & Zay vs. Pittman & Keenan
Jakobi Meyers has become the primary option in the Raiders passing game, whatever that’s worth. Zay Flowers done been the primary in Baltimore, and finally Sean uses him.
Pittman had his first 100-yard game of the season last week, and I expect it to happen every week with Minshew slinging it. Keenan Allen has been a force, and even facing his toughest opponent yet @KC, he’s probably good for 10 points.
TE: Mayer vs. LaPorta
Rookies! That makes two Raiders receivers Sean is relying on this week, and Davante Adams publicly admitted frustration with how he’s (not) being used as a primary option. Normal teams grease that wheel, but the Raiders are not a normal team. I think Mayer is a fantasy fixture going forward or the level with a LaPorta.
LaPorta couldn’t make it happen against Lavonte, but the Lions tried, and they’ll continue to try against another tough matchup @BAL. Another 5 FP feels inevitable.
FX: Hollywood & Puka vs. DK & Gus
Hollywood leads the Cards in targets, but either they’re bad targets, or his catch radius is just that small. Not expecting much against Seattle this week. Puka finally had a normal fucking game, and with Kupp fully back, that should continue, but Pittsburgh’s corners are terrible, and the Rams don’t have any RBs.
DK Metcalf’s hormones are out of whack, which is what you’d expect from a guy whose only three activities are working out, eating candy, and fucking. Gus Edwards getting stuffed repeatedly last week was the result of playing a tough-tackling run-front, which he does again against Detroit this week. However, Baltimore laid up for six FGs last week, and I don’t see them having that privilege having to keep up with this Lions offense.
K: Maher vs. Bass
Maher has been great. The Rams can move the ball but have trouble punching it in.
Bass has had a rough go the last couple weeks thanks to zero FG attempts in London and two misses vs. NYG. The Patriots are so bad. The Bills will be able to move the ball, and Bass will probably get back to flirting with 10 FP.
DL: Hunter vs. Wilkins
Hunter has been elite, and he gets a good opportunity against an SF line that might be missing Trent Williams.
Wilkins peaked last week, and now he matches up with Jason Kelce. So not a lot to look forward to.
LB: TJ Edwards vs. Zaire
Tackles galore!
DB: Reed Blankenship vs. Rayshawn Jenkins
Over-achievers!
DX: Kyzir White vs. L’Jarius Sneed
Sean loves his Cardinals, and they rarely let him down.
L’Jarius hasn’t been the same since giving up the slot to McDuffie. Just get McDuffie.
Sean shreds Max to the tune of 155 – 122
Max might be able to make it more competitive with a different QB, but who do you realistically go with? Cousins vs. SF on Monday night? Jordan Love bounceback @DEN? Geno Smith stack with DK? You can upgrade Wilkins and Sneed, but IDP is a slot machine. I think it’s time to start trading players for picks.
Brian vs. Evan
QB: Allen vs. Tua
Allen @NE is normally a trash matchup, but New England is as bad as they’ve ever been right now, and I don’t see a path where they turn it around in one week. The Bills badly need a turnaround, and the popular theory is that Allen has a secret injury. So maybe Brian ruined Josh Allen.
Tua @PHI is a bad matchup, but it also isn’t. The Eagles have a seven-deep rotation on the defensive line, but they’re starting practice squadders in the secondary. Even the best line can’t get home in the two seconds it takes Tua to find his guy on any given play.
RB: Taylor vs. Swift
Taylor Swift has a song called “gold rush” with the line, “with my Eagles’ t-shirt hanging from the door,” so sadly this is not Jonathan Taylor’s breakout week.
WR: Kupp & London vs. AJB & SunGod
Kupp gets 20 forever now. London has been hot, and he probably stays hot. We need to remember about London that he was a highly respected first-round pick, and he had some seriously good games after Ridder took over last year. A couple bad games early this year got us off the scent, but this is someone we’re going to target higher and higher in drafts.
AJB is due for some TDs. Amon-Ra… I’ll go out on a limb and say this is the one single-digit game he has all year. Let’s give Brian some hope.
TE: Andrews vs. Engram
Andrews’ matchup doesn’t matter. He eventually finds open space.
Engram’s matchup doesn’t matter. He gets his 50 yards, and sometimes he gets a TD.
FX: Josh & Jerome vs. George & Gabe
Josh Palmer plays almost the entire game, and he plays well. His defects are that he’s not fast, and he’s the third option in the passing game. He’s been getting 60 yards a game since Mike Williams went down. Add a TD this week, and you have a nice day. Jerome Ford is losing ground to Some Trash Asshole. Brian should start the JSN show. JSN’s snaps went way up following Seattle’s bye, and he had his best game. I think it keeps going up.
George Pickens had 130 yards and a TD in his last game. Now he faces a Rams defense starting guys who were drafted two rounds after Pickens last year. Gabe Davis… TD or bust. Evan might want to pivot to Curtis Samuel, who won’t have a long TD but also won’t bust. (No, I respect chasing upside.)
K: Jake vs. Jake
Forget it, Jake.
DL: J.Sweat vs. N.Bosa
Really can’t go wrong with Eagles’ edge rushers or FSU grads.
Really can go wrong with MAGA bros, but for fantasy, Bosa is elite.
LB: Demarcus Walker vs. Lavonte
Keep that IDP-U rolling with the only Nole besides Jermaine Johnson eligible at LB. Lose this matchup, but do it for your school. Walker has 5 TFLs this year, so he’s not even a terrible option.
DB: Derwin vs. Devon
Derwin was clearly hampered by the hammy on Monday. Hopefully it’s over, but who knows with those things.
Devon Witherspoon was drafted fifth overall for a reason.
DX: FSU vs. Ernie
Brian’s got his choice of Ronald Darby, Derek Nnadi, Asante Samuel Jr., or Mario Edwards. I would rank them Samuel, Edwards, Darby, Nnadi.
Evan wins 177 - 131
Brian gets absolutely steamrolled, but pride dammit!
Doak vs. Corey
QB: Lamar vs. Baker
Lamar vs. DET is not great on paper, but luckily Lamar plays on grass.
I like to Bake as much as anyone. SAHD life got me in my banana bread era. Baker vs. ATL is an interesting matchup. Atlanta has a solid defense outside of their LBs, and the Bucs don’t use playaction crossers to Cade Otton as much as they should. Evans and Godwin vs. Terrell and Okudah is a lot of star power. Jessie Bates takes away the Palmer deep shots... We can’t run the ball, but we can set up passes for Rachaad White. That’s his best skill as long he refuses to bend when he runs, Charles Sims ass RB.
RB: CMC vs. Najee
CMC is playing. I would bet money. I would bet a slap.
Najee is playing, but if an RB plays and doesn’t score any points, did he really play?
WR: Evans & Kirk vs. Waddle & McLaurin
Already stated Evans gets a tough matchup, but the motivation to get him the ball after last week will be intense. I’m expecting a TD. I’m kind of cornered into starting Kirk, who I drafted pretty high and who has played well. I don’t know why I resist playing him, but I do. We’ll see if that means anything tonight.
Waddle is heating up. Some Trash Asshole is blocking his path to truly massive games, but that 12-point floor is rock solid. McLaurin is also heating up. Sam Howell has been warned that McLaurin must lead this team in targets every week, and he wants to keep his job. He doesn’t want to live; that’s clear from the amount of contact he seeks, but as long as he’s forced to keep on living, he might as well be a starting QB.
TE: Waller vs. Pitts
Oh how the turntables. Pitts is fully back except for his ability to turn left, and now it’s Waller who plays for the league’s worst passing offense. Next year, I’m waiting until my last pick to take a TE.
FX: Bij & Kamara vs. Lockett & STA
It seems this was not the optimal time to trade for Bijan. I don’t want to play RBs against the Bucs. But I made the trade. I don’t have other good players anyway. I have handcuff RBs and flier WRs. I mean, I have Diontae Johnson coming back, but what’s that? 70 yards and no TD? I just have to be comfortable in the hedge of rooting for the Bucs and not feeling too bad when Bij breaks a big run. Kamara is not my idea of fun, but the volume has been ideal. I am worried about Jamaal Williams coming back and stealing valuable touches, which is more about my fragile psyche than anything.
Lockett has been hot and cold, and he’s nursing a hammy. STA is taking over Cleveland’s backfield, but he hasn’t taken over yet. I’m just glad I’m not playing against Tyler Boyd and Devin Singletary.
K: Tucker vs. Myers
Mmmhmmm.
DL: Garrett vs. Donald
Garrett @ IND is the palate-cleanse I need after Garrett was great last week but posted basically no fantasy points.
Donald had points last week, so I’m hoping he’ll regress to basically no points.
LB: ‘Quan & Queen vs. Warner & Hicks
If only David Montomgery were playing, Detroit would pound the rock, and my LBs would combined for 20+ FP. With all of their RBs hurt, I imagine the Lions will try something else. I can only hope it still involves using the middle of the field, but I fear it will be a gameplan that tests Baltimore’s inconsistent secondary, specifically outside the hashes. Not relevant to this graf, but I think Jameson Williams has a bigger role this week.
Fred Warner is the best LB in football. Jordan Hicks gets tackles but probably won’t scoop and score this week. Still, I think this tandem is a lock for 20 combined.
DB: Winfield vs. Minkah
Winfield couldn’t make it happen against Detroit for whatever reason, and Atlanta’s easy-buttons aren’t that different from Detroit’s (in a very generous comparison for Atlanta). I’m bracing for another low total, but the ceiling makes it hard to drop Winfield just because of a perceived bad matchup.
Minkah is an elite safety posting pretty high point-totals on a consistent basis. Feels like he’ll be the key to the Steelers solving the Rams this week. I’d bet on Minkah getting his first INT of the year this week.
Corey wins a nail-biter 142 – 140
The issue will be that McCaffrey does indeed play but splits time with Mitchell and Mason, leading to Fred Warner outscoring CMC on Monday night, bringing on my fifth loss, bringing me one loss closer to a full-on fire sale.
Cameron vs. Shelby
QB: Goff vs. Herbert
Cameron’s carouseling again. Just draft a real QB!
Shelby’s trade for Herbert couldn’t have come at a worse time in terms of the Chargers’ schedule. Dallas was a brutal matchup, and KC might be even tougher. Herbert scraped 25 together, but I’d imagine a lower total this week. Shelby might have been better off trading for Kyler, who’s due back next week.
RB: Jacobs vs. Zeke
Yes, Zeke. The Patriots are trying to make him happen, and he’s kind of happening. He looked spry against the Raiders, and the Bills are hurting in the run-stopping department without DaQuan Jones and Matt Milano.
Josh Jacobs @CHI is cake. Not only are the Bears tragic on defense, they’re starting a D-2 rookie at QB. The Raiders should have the ball a ton and lean on the run.
WR: STA & DeVonta vs. Diggs & DJ
2,000 yards. That’s all I’ll say. As for DeVonta, Cameron is forced to start him because his entire bench is on bye, and no one is worth dropping. Brandin Cooks isn’t super worth keeping, but nothing in free agency is better than DeVonta unless DeVonta is out with that hammy. In that scenario, you get to put him on IR anyway. Let’s talk streaming WRs: I mentioned Toney earlier mostly to troll Spe, but he’s an exciting player. Wan’Dale Robinson gets volume. Josh Dotson dropped his only target last week, and I dropped him, so you just know he’s scoring a TD against the Giants this week. Kendrick Bourne gets volume. You could do worse than stacking Goff with Reynolds, even with Jameson Williams already in your lineup.
Diggs is Diggs. DJ is DJ, but what is Tyson Bagent? He actually played aggressively when the Bears coaches let him, though it led to a terrible INT with the Bears driving to take the lead. Still, Bagent is a legend, and he has a full sleeve of tattoos going down his non-throwing arm. He’s aesthetically pleasing, he’ semi-mobile, and he knows to keep that throwing arm clean. Even though I took him in the cash game, I believe he can help Moore have a nice fantasy day. It’s the aggressiveness that will lead to both a big Moore day and a couple INTs.
TE: Hock vs. Jonnu
Hockenson is Cousins’ preferred option with Jefferson out, and the 49ers know this. More importantly, Fred Warner knows this. Hockenson will get targets, but I don’t expect more than a couple catches for not a lot of yards.
Jonnu Smith was really good in Tennessee when his offensive coordinator was… Arthur Smith. So combine that with a young QB who needs easy throws, and I’m not surprised Jonnu is good in fantasy.
FX: Jameson & Osborn vs. Addison & Gibbs
The Goff-Jamo stack is going to be money against Baltimore’s secondary. Osborn probably doesn’t get it done against SF.
Jordan Addison probably doesn’t get it done against SF, but he has a better chance getting open than Osborn or Hockenson, so if anybody is going to boom, it’s him. Tutu Atwell is in Shelby’s lineup right now (as is Rachaad White), but I think Zeke and Gibbs should be the starters this week. Gibbs will play, and he will get the bulk of the work. I don’t hate the idea of starting Atwell against a bad Steeler’s secondary, especially when the Steelers’ gameplan will focus on Kupp, but I think when you have to start RBs who project to see 20 touches.
K: Gay vs. Sanders
Matt Gay is a baller. The Bucs should have kept him.
Sanders kicks for the best offense going against a feisty defense. Easy points.
DL: Crosby vs. Watt
Crosby is another honorable Watt, but he’s no match for a genuine Watt.
LB: Barton & Floyd vs. Anzalone & White
Cameron scored 61 FP from his IDPs last week, and this tandem is clearly him turtling to the inevitable regression.
DB: Curl vs. Bates
Curl has been money, but he’s got an ankle issue and the Giants aren’t a great matchup for him. Bates’ fantasy production relies on QBs testing him on deep passes. Baker is aggressive, so maybe it’s a good week for Bates.
Shelby wins? Mostly because I want her to.
On paper, this is the grossest matchup, the most likely to be the lowest scoring, which means the NFL will roll a critical hit and somehow these two will each surpass 160. But still, Shelby wins because it’s just not cool to lose this much.
It’s not quite trading time, but I know people have been thinking about it. With the byepocalypse, you hold your water. There are no Week 8 byes, so next week is a good time to get aggressive. Of course there is more value in waiting until the deadline. But there are players available now that won’t be available then. A good team will have already swooped. So if there’s a specific guy you want, next Monday-Wednesday is the prime window. Make moves.
