The Giants are creating a new way to get out of a bad quarterback contract: let defenses kick his ass until he is forced to retire, either through injury or exhaustion of will.
The Patriots are doing one better: design an offense so putrid that other teams can still convince themselves that a pedigreed young QB can be salvaged.
The Broncos are doing one even better: play zero defense so that your bad-contract QB has to go hero-mode every game. It works when he’s hitting a hail mary to a no-name WR to force a game-tying two-point conversion attempt. It doesn’t quite work when he fumbles on the potential game-winning drive. But it could be enough to convince a QB-needy team to trade for him without asking for a draft pick, a la Brock Osweiler.
The Browns should be in on this grift, but they are the Browns. When the league zigs, they say, We can zig harder. Big Perv has a hurt shoulder, the poor thing, but despite being cleared by the team doctors to play, he is opting to sit out. He doesn’t want to play for the Browns anymore. He has made history by being the only bad QB with leverage, so much leverage that he can force the Browns to pay him record money while he opts not to play. Can we be surprised that someone who was rewarded for making people do things against their will has only grown in his resolve to do so? So as fucked as any team chained to a bad QB is, the Browns are the most fucked. Classic Browns.
The 49ers were low-key lambasted for trading Trey Lance for a fourth-round pick, but compare that to the Jets, who have just resigned themselves into starting Zach Wilson in rock fight after rock fight. Robert Saleh is growing a beard. That’s all you need to know about where is he in the stages of grief. The 49ers handled Lance’s flame-out brilliantly. They recouped a pick. No one is trading anything for Zach Wilson, and the Jets won’t release him. Instead they are embracing the sunk cost fallacy.
Finally, we arrive at Jordan Love, who looked awesome for a few weeks before looking like total dog shit on Monday night against a mediocre Raiders defense. The Packers gave him a one-year extension before the season, essentially some accounting to get around the fully-guaranteed fifth-year option. I think they could convince someone to trade a late third-rounder for him. The Packers pay a chunk of his salary and use the pick to move up in a deep QB draft. Love becomes an overrated backup QB somewhere a la Jameis in New Orleans.
Okay, bonus graf for Sam Howell, who is more Mahomes-y than Jacoby Brissett, though Brissett is plenty Mahomes-y. I think they know two things: the line is dreadful, and you don’t want to flip-flop at QB. Imagine the scenario where they bench Howell for poor performance and then Brissett gets hurt behind this trash line. They go back to Howell, nobody has any confidence in anything, the season fully derails, and the coaches get fired. What I’m saying is: the ‘Ders aren’t trying to turn Howell into draft capital. They are developing Brissett into an expert on this offense without getting him killed, and they are potentially developing Howell into a starter. In any case, they don’t have to spend money or draft capital to acquire a veteran QB. Either Howell is the dude and they draft Joe Alt, or Brissett is a bridge QB and they draft, I don’t know, whoever is available at 10 overall, let’s say Michael Penix.
All right, before I get too deep in the weeds, let’s recap the matchups. I’m sour about them, so it’s gonna be a blitz.
How To 160 – 120 F’d Up
I’ve lost two in a row, but at least this time I didn’t score enough points to beat anybody. Literally nobody. Literally last place. I want to say this didn’t trigger the trade for Bijan. In my conscious mind, the two had nothing to do with each other. But anytime you’re 2-3 coming off scoring the league-low in points and you have a chance to start sacrificing next year’s draft for a shot at the 5-seed, you gotta do it. What was nice about this loss is that I didn’t experience most of it. I watched Jahan Dotson suck on Thursday. I watched the Jags underwhelm early Sunday morning. I watched the Ravens implode. Then I quit watching football until 49ers-Cowboys, and at that point, I needed like 60 from McCaffrey so I just got to enjoy the ass-whooping. I love hating the Cowboys. I also pat myself on the back for calling Ja’Marr Chase’s 150 yards and 2 TDs, wasn’t overall too pleased that he tacked on an extra 20 yards and a TD though. But you know what feels good? Corey should have drafted Ja’Marr Chase over Justin Jefferson. I am vindicated! It was also fun that Darren Waller won me some cash. Crazy thing about Darren Waller and this whole Giants’ mess: they are pretty much guarnateed to be better for fantasy with Tyrod because he’ll actually get rid of the ball. My team ate shit but in a promising way? Kamara and Hopkins had 20 apiece, and they were kind of my wild cards behind Lamar, CMC, and Evans. Best I’ve ever felt about a loss.
Worrying win for Spencer. Trevor sucked again, weak IDP play outside of Sweat, and three of his bench players (all rookies) got concussed. Get your weight up, little boy. It’s good to get the win on a week where Chase hits 50 and Goedert hits 20, though, because it’s not happening again. So in true PNW fashion, Spencer reduces waste there.
Roy 2: Dave 195 – 167 Jacobsfuscation
Kennedy had one player play on Thursday night and one player play early Sunday morning. Cameron had one player play on Thursday. Before the main slate started on Sunday, Cameron was down 87 – 5, which I find hilarious. Cameron rallied back, scored enough points to finish third this week. But in true Florida fashion, he dumped it in the gulf and lit a cigarette. He lost De’Von Achane, which is devastating. Riding the two fastest players in the league must have been thrilling. But hey, you have that sweet Cousins-Hockenson stack to get you through Achane’s IR stint. Speaking of stacks, is there any bigger bag-fumble than Kennedy trading a second-round pick to give up the Fields-Moore stack? I mean, considering Kelce has already missed a game and will probably miss more and is maxing out at 14 a game while Moore eclipses Kelce’s four-week total in one game. Fine, it’s not a fumble. It was smart at the time. But Kennedy’s wheeling and dealing pre-draft is coming back to bite him. He traded CMC, DJ Moore, 24 overall (where Oliver took Mixon), 25 overall (I took Evans), and 48 overall (Kamara) for Travis Kelce, Austin Ekeler, Travis Etienne (or Davante Adams depending on how you slice it), and Christian Watson (where he could have had Moore anyway). Okay, not terrible. But which side would you prefer? CMC, Moore, Mixon, Evans, Kamara versus Ekeler, Etienne, Kelce, Watson. It’s close-ish if Ekeler is healthy, but with Ekeler and Watson missing multiple games it’s been real bad… for the highest-scoring team in the league also sitting in first place? All right, forget it. I don’t know anything.
You Don’t Pay 133 – 131 K-Bop
I can’t stress enough the importance of checking your lineup to make sure your players are playing. If Coleman plays basically anybody over inactive Nick Bolton, he gets the two points he needs to win this one, turns a 1-4 record into a 2-3, and looks much more competitive and way less ripe for the Bijan-picking. 130s are decent enough scores, but they were also the 7th and 9th highest scores on the week, and so many points were concentrated in Hurts and Purdy. Man, I really wanted to see a Purdy-led team take down Sean. Ugh Jordan Poyer even had 4 FP on Coleman’s bench. It was right there. Dammit. Maybe the James Conner injury hurts Sean, but it comes the same week as Jeff Wilson returns and Achane hits IR, so I feel like it’s a wash.
Coleman’s double-trade was extremely fun. Going all-in on a bottle-rocket Super Bowl-bound team in the city you live in sounds fun as hell. And we got to see more of Coleman way overvaluing the TE position because sometimes the best way to feel alive is to execute a virtual-reality doom loop.
The Infirmary 132 – 122 Tag-Man
Oh wow, it actually can get worse. These were the 8th and 11th worst scores of the week. Brian got 35 from Allen, most of them in the final few minutes of the London game. The return of Cooper Kupp was huge, the return of Jonathan Taylor not so much. Brina started three RBs for a total of 17 FP, while had Kennedy started three RBs, he would have scored 108 FP. So starting three RBs isn’t always the move. However, Brian’s whole bench is RBs, so it’s happening regardless. Oliver’s moneyball team had another down week, which is just how it goes with moneyball teams. Just look at the Rays winning 99 games and then scoring one fucking run in two playoff games. Oliver had the points to win on his bench, but that would have meant starting Tyjae Spears, so we can’t fault management. I mean, we can. He went back to the Prater well one too many times. He took a gamble on the Josh Allen bowl. But Luke Musgrave led the Packers in catches, so…
Brian is a borderline juggernaut. Needs to figure out how to turn eight middling RBs into two flex players. But also, Jaylen Warren and Josh Palmer will probably score double-digit points every week, and we don’t know what Jerome Ford is yet.
There is No God 156 – 127 Just Piss
Breece Hall revenge game TO THE MAX!!! Sam LaPorta did about as well as TEs do, but this is generally why we don’t trade star RBs for star TEs. However, in a different matchup, Gus Edwards could have had 15-ish points, and then the combination of Edwards and LaPorta would equal one Breece Hall. Any time you can split one player’s worth of production between two lineup spots, you gotta do it. How else are you gonna flirt with 130 points per week? Cool thing about Evan’s team: his stud quadfecta of WRs doesn’t even have to start for him to rain points every week. Evan is tied for first place, getting real close to the points lead, too. Cool. Evan going to the championship every year forever. Cool. How do those of us hurting at WR feel about Evan have 19 FP from Gabe Davis and 28 FP from George Pickens on the bench, each of those scores being higher than the WRs he started, as his starting lineup drops 156. Just casually starting three dominant RBs—Pierce isn’t getting the FP yet but you can feel his runs through the TV screen; he’s due for massive games soon. Evan’s just rotating eight starters at RB/WR/FX every week. Love that for us.
Max, I believed in you. I don’t know what’s happening. Matt Stafford, Adam Thielen, and AJ Dillon led your team in points. I’m not neglecting Sam LaPorta, the number one TE in Mortydome. LaPorta is awesome. I sincerely respect the trade, even if Breece smashes. At the time, we thought maybe Breece was going to be gimpy all year. He’s still in danger of compensation injuries if the Jets refuse to put a limit on him. And Evan has to put him back in the player pool this summer. LaPorta is a late keeper. Gus Edwards will score double-digits most weeks. David Njoku is a Brown. It works out.
Ghostface 177 – 141 Chasin
What a game. After multiple weeks of barely missing wins with points on the bench, Shelby was forced into this lineup by injuries and bye weeks, and it goes to show that we should invest in cars that drive themselves. What is it like to get 48 from one player on a Thursday night in a matchup against your roommate? Just walking around wearing those pants. I need to emphasize: Shelby was starting Ezekiel Elliot and Tutu Atwell, and she demolished. She finished second in points on the week, she ended the losing streak that dated back to last season, and she followed it up by trading at TE and a sixth-round pick for a top-five QB. Smashing success. This is how you crawl out of an 0-4 hole. I’d suggest one more trade, add one more legitimate stud to the squad. Trade Jahmyr Gibbs for Austin Ekeler. Be a Chargers fan.
Corey didn’t have a terrible week. If it were a melee week, this would have been enough for a win. Oh no wait, it was a terrible week because he lost Justin Jefferson for at least four weeks, and the immediate reports were along the lines of “Justin Jefferson has no reason to rush back.” So that’s bad. And still having nothing at RB is bad. You don’t have the players you need to trade for better players. BUT Joe Burrow is back. You have the QB, you still have three good WRs, you have a bunch of sorta-starting RBs in free agency to pick from. Just go spam RB: Chuba Hubbard is stealing the Panthers’ job, D’Onta Foreman might start for the Bears for four weeks… Just scrounge, baby.
Not sure how I did last week, but I think it was 50%, so we’re way up from 17%. Let’s get into it.
Tag-Man vs. Dave
There’s history here. In order to acquire Mahomes for a playoff push last year, Oliver sent Justin Fields and a pick that became Davante Adams this season. Before this year’s draft, Oliver sent early keeper Travis Kelce in exchane for picks that became Joe Mixon and… Isaiah Simmons. Woof. So officially it’s Fields, Kelce, and Adams for Mahomes, Mixon, and Simmons, with the qualification that Fields fell apart in last year’s fantasy playoffs, while Mahomes gave Oliver enough points to win a championship, with the further qualification that Oliver squandered those points with other poor decisions. The chip on Oliver’s shoulder is big enough that he’s pushing to add a star player ahead of this matchup. He wants to beat Kennedy, and he wants to maximize the championship window Mahomes provides. Kennedy has no such chip. He sits atop the league right now due to absurd numbers from even absurder players.
QB: Mahomes vs. Fields
Mahomes vs. DEN is the first time in his career he has faced the league’s worst defense, at least that’s what I read on Twitter. So let’s ride.
Fields vs. MIN is a sweet matchup for QBs who can overcome the blitz, which is not what Fields was doing when he shredded the ‘Ders last Thursday. With the loss of Justin Jefferson, coupled with the Bears maybe high on the hog or whatever, Minnesota has more motivation and will probably put Fields in a blender, especially so as the Vikings’ offense probably plays just fine without Jefferson, perhaps even a Ewing Theory level-up as they start using everybody in more creative ways.
Oliver leads 34 – 12
RB: Pacheco/Mixon/Kyren vs. DMG/ETN/Ekeler
Pacheco vs. DEN again just a money matchup.
Montgomery @ TB easily the toughest matchup he’s had as a Lion. But if Gibbs is still hurt, the Lions will run Montgomery 30 times again. And as good as the Bucs’ front is, it is impossible to prepare for the Lions’ run game on a down-to-down basis. They are too versatile. They will create space, and Montgomery will score 20 FP minimum every week.
Oliver leads 50 – 38
Mixon has scored around 15 FP every week. So let’s just mark it 15.
Kyren vs. AZ is a bounce-back opportunity for a guy who was bottled up by an elite Eagles’s line last week. Kyren is small, but the Rams use him at the goal line, which is how he ends up dropping 30 every other week.
Etienne was so stupidly huge in a fluky Bills’ matchup, where the Bills lost their best two run defenders in the first quarter. Indy bottled up Derrick Henry last week, so I think Etienne gets smushed.
Ekeler is back, but he plays Dallas. The Cowboys are very eager to wash the 49ers’ smackdown out of their mouths, and this defense knows Kellen Moore’s offense. This would matter more if Ekeler was a traditional RB. His pass-game prowess is what makes him a first-round fantasy pick, especially against a Dallas LB crew that can’t hang with anyone in pass coverage.
Oliver leads 95 - 64
WR: Nico & Aiyuk vs. Davante & ZayJ
Wow I did not realize how bleak Kennedy’s WR2 spot was without Christian Watson. Wins cover warts, I guess. As a result of the overall shellacking Oliver lays on Kennedy this week, and the whole Jordan Love sucking thing, I think Kennedy goes out and buys a WR. Maybe this prediction is enough to force his hand before Sunday. He might even be blind-bidding against Oliver, who has gotten awesome production from Nico and Aiyuk but has basically nothing behind them. Rashod Bateman dropped a TD, Mims fumbled twice, Courtland Sutton didn’t catch a pass until the Broncos’ final drive last week. Rashid Shaheed is still interesting, but he’s firmly fourth in the Saints’ pecking order.
Nico plays the Saints, likely gets locked down by Lattimore. Aiyuk plays the Browns, who have two star corners and overall a sick defense, and they’ve spent two weeks preparing for the 49ers. Easy to see both of these guys laying eggs, which will get Oliver really panicking, at which point, Corey, you send the offer of Waddle for a second-round pick.
Davante Adams played through a shoulder injury and had a modest return to Lambeau. He plays the Patriots this week, and I just know Josh McDaniels would love to put a nail in Belichick’s coffin. Huge day for Adams coming.
Zay Jones, I don’t know. He might not even play. My advice: go snag Josh Downs while he’s still out there. He arguably has the best hands of any rookie receiver, and the Colts’ QBs are targeting him a ton, especially Minshew.
Oliver leads 103 - 95
TE: Kmet vs. Kelce
Just another fun wrinkle on the Mahomes vs. Fields matchup. Oliver and Kennedy are playing to neutralize the other QB by starting that QB’s best red zone option. Beautiful chess match developing here.
Tie game 113-all.
K: Prater vs. Folk
Stop trying to make Matt Prater happpen!
Folk has the longest active streak of consecutive made FGs.
Kennedy leads 121 – 117
DL: Josh Allen vs. Parsons
Allen played well against the Bills but didn’t get the stats, so Oliver is hoping (rightfully) that the quality play leads to production.
Parsons is Parsons.
Kennedy leads 133 – 125
LB: TBD & Quincy vs. Bobby Time
Set your watches.
Quincy has been a total animal.
Kennedy leads 151 – 144
DB: Hamilton vs. Hill
Might as well be Hamilton vs. Burr
Kennedy wins 158 – 152
Either of these guys can tilt the matchup with a blockbuster WR trade.
The Infirmary vs. Chasin a Win
Brian is a rocketship; Corey is the oppsite. However, Brian’s players just keep getting injured.
QB: Allen vs. Burrow
Allen vs. NYG is just going to be so easy.
Burrow vs. SEA is much stiffer competition than the Cardinals. Still, he’s looking more normal, more capable of moving around and making plays.
Brian leads 40 – 25
RB: Taylor vs. TBD
Taylor is better than Zack Moss, but Moss is playing so well, and Taylor is so valuable, it is only prudent for the Colts to spare Taylor th punishment of a 20-carry workload. They’ll continue to split carries between them.
Corey has Najee on bye, and his only other RBs are Joker Patterson and Dalvin Cook. Patterson barely plays, Cook also barely plays, and he plays Philly. (Hilarious side note on Cook: the announcers in Jets-Broncos made a point to talk about how the Jets have been tracking Cook’s speed in practice, and he’s gotten faster each of the last two weeks. Inane.) Corey needs to add Justice Hill, Chuba, or D’Onta. Or add all three and drop Rodgers, Patterson, and Cook.
Brian leads 55 – 33
WR: Kupp & London vs. Waddle & Lockett
Kupp vs. AZ is an easy 20. London vs. WAS isn’t cake, but the ‘Ders benched their first-round rookie last week and (predictably) looked even worse. That rookie, Emmanuel Forbes, is similar size to London, who primarily wins on size, so I’d guess the chip on Forbes’ shoulder helps him contain London.
Lockett @ CIN is not a good matchup, but Lockett’s fantasy production knows no logic. Waddle vs. CAR as the Dolphins look for ways to account for a loss of run production… to the moon.
Brian leads 80 – 64
TE: Andrews vs. Pitts
Typing that hurt my soul. I will never forget picking Pitts over Andrews, even though Andrews didn’t have a good year last year either. It was just terrible process and the whole Waller thing this year, the thing where I am living and dying on Giants’ snaps… I can’t give this matchup serious thought. It will break me.
Brian leads 94 – 72
FX: Sanders & Ford vs. McLaurin & Boyd
I don’t even have to look across the league to determine that this is the barfiest flex matchup of the week. Sanders is losing his job to Chuba, and Ford plays the 49ers. And even with all of Brian’s RBs, he has no pivot: Warren on bye, Herbert hurt, Akers a backup… Antonio Gibson, though. Gibson has a bad RB matchup against Atlanta, but last week, Gibson didn’t carry the ball. He was used as a WR, including one highlight catch line up out wide. He might just be a WR now. And speaking of WR, Josh Palmer drawing the Cowboys’ lesser coverage is a better play than Sanders or Ford. For the second week in a row, I’m suggesting Brian bench both of his flexes.
The ’Ders were fucking weird on offense last week, some of it probably due to losing by a million, but they started giving their backup WRs a bunch of snaps before the game was out of reach. Really odd. Howell threw like 50 passes and five went to McLaurin. I have to believe the ‘Ders try to simplify the offense and pepper their best player with targets this week, even against a solid Falcons’ secondary. Boyd is a good play if Higgins is still out. Otherwise, hey, just pick up and start those RBs I keep mentioning.
Brian leads 101 – 96
K: Moody vs. Dreamy
Moody kicks in nasty Cleveland weather this week. Niners only score TDs.
Ka’imi kicks at home in the dome, and the Texans love to lay up.
Corey leads 109 – 106
DL: Burns vs. Donald
Burns @ MIA won’t get to Tua before he throws but will shed his block for a TFL on a jet sweep.
Donald in a division matchup at home against Arizona but more specifically against Hjalte Froholdt, Elijah Wilkinson, and Will Hernandez. Good god.
Corey leads 127 – 111
LB: Luvu & Greenlaw vs. Warner & Hicks
Luvu has been mid and won’t be a factor against Miami. Greenlaw is awesome.
Fred Warner is awesomer. 49ers will rack up tackles against a run-heavy Browns’ offense in that nasty Cleveland weather. Hicks racks up tackles.
Corey leads 150 – 124
DB: TBD
Derwin might still be hurt. Minkah is on bye. Corey has work to do.
Corey wins 155 – 129
This final result actually doesn’t make sense at all. This will be the lowest-scoring matchup of the week, where the final score is more like 125 – 119, with Josh Allen being the X-factor.
BRIAN wins 125 – 119 because vibes.
Pretty F’d vs. Lamb God
Does it need to be said anymore than Evan is my nemesis? Do I need to re-explain this every year? I revel in the chance to beat him in this game. I didn’t trade for Bijan specifically for this matchup, but it makes sense that Evan would be my opponent the week I decide to make a splash. I’m totally jacked up for this week.
QB: Lamar vs. Tua
Lamar plays the Titans in London, so it’s gonna get wacky. Lamar is an improviser. The wackier the overall vibes, the more the game becomes his to command.
Evan doesn’t have to worry about QB controversy for a while. Tua vs. CAR was an auto-start anyway. I fear that no matter how good Lamar can be, Tua can outscore him.
Evan leads 44 – 33
RB: CMC vs. Swift
McCaffrey @ CLE is a game that favors a run-heavy approach, and Cleveland will be trying to sell-out to stop McCaffrey, just like Dallas did. I don’t think they have the dogs in the run game to really make it happen, but I don’t expect an out-of-this-world week from CMC either.
Swift @ NYJ is the best matchup I could have hoped for. The Jets let Jaleel McLaughlin run all over them, so maybe I’m already dead.
Evan leads 53 – 51
WR: Kirk & Hopkins vs. Lamb & AJB
Yeah, I’m definitely already dead. I’m going to start Evans if Evans plays, but the hamstring injury form Week 4 is already limiting Evans to start Week 6. So if the games were being played today, Kirk would start over Evans. Kirk has been great but in a small-ball way. I’m hoping for 50 yards, three first downs, and a TD. The Titans are finally funneling targets to Hopkins, but he’ll be up against Marlon Humphrey.
Lamb is a topic of conversation this week. Richard Sherman called him a WR2 and said that the Cowboys miss Amari Cooper. So Lamb is going to break the single-game receiving yards record this week. AJ Brown has to contend with Sauce Gardner, but also no he doesn’t because the Jets don’t move their corners. AJ Brown against tiny DJ Reed is just a ridiculous mismatch.
Evan leads 99 - 74
TE: Waller vs. Engram
Hey, I have an edge in a matchup! Waller plays a Buffalo defense that just lost Milano, Engram plays a Colts defense with terrible corners. The Jags won’t need Engram but maybe he ends up with a TD.
Evan leads 107 – 89
FX: Bijan & Kamara vs. SunGod & Breece
Okay, I’m starting to understand again why I’m excited for this week.
Kamara @ HOU feels like a monster game. Houston has a good scheme but doesn’t have good LBs, not in the sense of being able to contend with Kamara.
Bijan vs. WAS is a tough front, but Bijan works in mysterious ways.
Amon-Ra will be back for the Bucs game. I don’t know what the Bucs can do to stop him. Nobody can stop him. The Chiefs have two incredible corners who excel in the slot, and they couldn’t stop him.
Breece plays Philly, so that Eagles-Jets matchup is doing a lot of heavy lifting for my hopes right now. Breece should be throttled, but if he can break through the first level, the Eagles don’t have a player who can catch him.
Doak leads 153 – 139
K: Tucker vs. Elliot
I don’t know. Something about Tucker playing in a soccer stadium.
Doak leads 165 – 151
DL: Young vs. Bosa
Go Buckeyes? I’m only starting Young as of this moment because Myles Garrett has an ankle or foot thing that kept him out of practice early in the week. If it’s Garrett, I obviously feel more confident. Bosa goes against a Browns line starting their backup tackle.
Doak leads 170 – 167
LB: Roquan vs. Lavonte
I don’t regret the Lavonte trade because I needed to drop an IDP and Evan offered an eighth-rounder. But I don’t want to play against him, especially against Lions offense that lives in the middle of the field. Just hoping Devin White vultures it all somehow.
Doak leads 185 - 180
DB: Winfield vs. Witherspoon
Winfield has been a Jamal Adams type player, used all over the field including on blitzes. Witherspoon literally played the Jamal Adams role in Seattle’s last game and scored 35 FP. So I’m legit terrified. However, Jamal Adams will be back this week, so maybe that forces Witherspoon into a boundary role, where fantasy points are away harder to come by.
Doak leads 200 – 190
DX: Queen vs. Ernest
Queen is splashy and exciting, but Ernest just gets so many tackles every week.
Doak wins 210 – 205
Predicting two 200-point games in one matchup is unhinged in a season where the current high score is 195, but let’s fucking go, baby. Someone’s going to break 200, and this matchup has all the juice.
Jacobsfuscation vs. Piss Master
Cameron is coming off a good scoring week that resulted in a loss. Max’s season is slipping away.
QB: Cousins vs. Stafford
Cousins @ CHI without Justin Jefferson as the weather turns is yikes. Even as the Vikings find creative solutions long-term to adjust to life without JJ, they aren’t built for outside.
Stafford vs. AZ will be the first time he scores more than 20 FP this season, which is wild because he’s playing really well.
Max leads 27 – 12
RB: Jacobs vs. Edwards
Jacobs vs. NE would have been a bad matchup two weeks ago. It is difficult to imagine the Patriots scoring. If the Raiders lead, they get to play their style of offense, in which Jacobs is still the focal point.
Edwards vs. TEN would have been a bad matchup two weeks ago. Now the Titans are struggling to field a defensive line. Interior starters Teair Tart and Jeffery Simmons might not play. Zack Moss carved this defense up last week.
Max leads 34 – 33
WR: STA & Tee vs. Thielen & DK
I’ve said what needs to be said about the Dolphins. Tee Higgins, if he plays, gets a tough matchup for the deep ball, and the Bengals are probably going to keep it all focused on Chase and Mixon.
Thielen @ MIA is a great matchup because the Panthers will be playing catch-up all day.
DK @ CIN is no bueno. The Bengals can take away whatever they want to take away, and DK is easy to scheme out. However, size and speed can overcome scheme.
Cameron leads 70 – 61
TE: Hock vs. LaPorta
Hockenson will lead the Vikings in targets. LaPorta will get a heavy dose of Lavonte.
Cameron leads 84 – 65
FX: Teeny & Tiny vs. Keenan & Pittman
Teeny Pollard gets a massive bounceback against a weak Chargers run defense. DeVonta Smith lines up against Sauce all day and gets nothing for the third straight week. It’s a good week to bench him. I might pivot to KJ Osborn against a banged up Bears secondary, just betting on my Cousins prediction to be dead-wrong. Keenan Allen will line up against Stephon Gilmore and/or a double-team every snap as the Cowboys force Herbert to figure something else out (good week for Chargers’ TEs and Ekeler). Pittman is so much bigger than Jackonville’s best corner, and Minshew will be aggressive against his former team.
Cameron leads 102 – 81
K: Aubrey vs. Bass
I think Aubrey led all Cowboys in points last week. Oh my god, it was a four-way tie among Dak, Lamb, Pollard, and Aubrey. Yeah, he’s unstoppable.
Bass vs. NYG feels like a lot of XPs but the Giants can win some blitzes and force FGs.
Cameron leads 115 – 93
DL: Crosby vs. Wilkins
The Patriots can’t block anyone. The Panthers can’t block anyone. Crosby records more money stats.
Cameron leads 125 – 100
LB: Mosley vs. Zaire
Both rack up tackles, Mosley is better in pass coverage but Zaire gets used more on blitzes.
Cameron leads 135 – 112
DB: Curl vs. Jenkins
Don’t love either of these players but the numbers are fine. Jenkins has a higher chance of disappearing.
Cameron leads 142 – 117
DX: Logan vs. L’Jarius
Logan vs. SEA is great because Seattle likes to run and use TE. L’Jarius has been up and down but Denver will need to throw a lot to keep up with KC.
Cameron wins 155 – 130
Max can gain some back by replacing Jenkins and Wilkins with higher upside guys. If we get news Barkley will play, you probably start him over Pittman? Edwards? Again, Buffalo is without two of their best run defenders, but since they know those guys are gone-gone, they probably make a quality adjustment and bottle up Barkley as the Giants’ line still sucks.
You Don’t Pay with Money vs. Ghostface killers
Sean has been surprisingly good (I mean, not THAT surprising after grabbing Puka and Brian Robinson off waivers after Week 1, but given his lack of draft capital… ugh, whatever(, and Shelby has been surprisingly bad (risking it all on rookies can break either way and break back the other way by midseason). Shelby made a move that makes her team better, and at 1-4, she needs it to have an impact right now.
QB: Hurts vs. TBD
Hurts has scored between 29 and 38 FP each of the last four weeks. The Jets are his toughest matchup since Week 1, when in a pretty bad performance, Hurts still scored 15. Feels like 20 is the floor, especially when each tush push is good for a point.
Shelby traded for Herbert, but Herbert plays Dallas. She retained Dak, who obviously plays the Chargers. If matchups mean anything, Dak is the play, but I struggle to convince myself that matchups mean anything. I have faith that the Cowboys’ offense will find success against LA, but I don’t necessarily believe Dak needs more than 15 FP for that to be true. Herbert will be aggressive, and the game should be high-scoring. He could throw three picks and still score 25 FP. Feel like you gotta start the guy you traded for.
Shelby leads 29 – 24
RB: Henry vs. TBD
Henry hasn’t been typical Henry, but he’s throwing TDs now, so… idk. The Titans are transitioning from Henry to Spears. The NFL trade deadline is Halloween, and there’s more and more noise for henry getting traded every week. The Titans are 2-3, hopefully 2-4 after this week, and they’re bye is next week. Totally reasonable for them to move on not only from Henry but from Tannehill and Hopkins, too. They likely won’t sell it all. It’s just not how the NFL does business. But a Henry trade feels inevitable. The only issue is where? If the Titans pay him out and the other team only has to pick up the minimum, it could be anyone. Teams most in play would be Ravens, Browns, Rams, Cowboys, and… Bucs? Bills and Steelers would be super dark horses. I would bet Cowboys, but pretty much neck and neck with Browns. Anyway, Henry will continue to struggle behind a weak Titans line this week.
Shelby is starting Zeke right now, but how can you? How can you start a timeshare back in the league’s worst offense. Well, because all indications are that the Pats will abandon the pass and the punt and just try to overpower the Raiders, who are relatively small on defense. But I’d still take Rachaad White’s volume, or I’d pick up one of the free agent RBs before Corey gets to them.
Shelby leads 38 – 33
WR: Hollywood & Puka vs. Diggs & DJ
Hollywood is another guy who could ptentially be traded, but that’s just noise to me. He’s a legitimate #1 WR in the right offense, regardless of size. It’s all about moving him around the formation and getting mismatches where he can out-run out-maneuver his defender. Puka kept right on doing what he do even with Kupp back and will continue against a weak Cards’ secondary. But god, look at the WRs you’re up against.
Suddenly Shelby has two WRs (maybe three!) capable of dropping 40 in a given week, and they both have the matchups to do it this week. Because matchups mean something again.
Shelby leads 69 – 58
TE: Logan Thomas vs. TBD
Eric Bieniemy thinks Logan Thomas is Travis Kelce, so, you know, play him like he’s Travis Kelce, I guess.
Shelby is just letting me cook with all these open roster spots. Okay, so who do you pick up at TE? Gotta be Zach Ertz, right? Just for the volume. Or do you pair Herbert and Everett? I think it’s one of those two, and I think without a TD, it’s not worth much anyway.
Shelby leads 75 – 72
FX: Mattison & Meyers vs. Addison & Tutu
If you just watch them run, you can see who’s the better Vikings’ RB. Only a matter of time until Akers takes over, and with the whole team falling apart anyway, why not now?
Meyers is a big part of the Raiders’ offense, and it’s revenge time against the Pats.
Addison is now the top receiver in Minnesota. I mean, it’s technically KJ Osborn, but please. Osborn has had three years to establish himself and the Vikings have kept adding receivers, trading for and paying Hockenson and then drafting Addison in the first round. This is Shelby’s third WR capable of dropping 40 this year.
Tutu’s a little cutie, and the Rams shipped off Van Jefferson in part to get Tutu on the field more. So yeah, keep starting him.
Shelby leads 106 – 91
K: Maher vs. Sanders
Don’t care at all.
Shelby leads 114 – 99
DL: Hunter vs. Ed Oliver
Hunter gets a matchup with the Bears, who are still allowing a shit-ton of pressure.
TJ Watt is on bye. Shelby picked up Ed Oliver in a good matchup against NYG.
Shelby leads 123 – 111
LB: Edwards & Kyzir vs. Anzalone & Devin
Can’t argue with tackles. Sean’s getting consistent production from two basic LBs.
Shelb’s getting ups and downs from her dudes, but Devin is A dude, so you have to keep starting him. Anzalone, fine. I’d go get Jordyn Brooks while you still can, but it’s not crucial.
Shelby leads 138 - 133
DB: Blankenship vs. Bates
Blankenshiop scores points. Fine. I’m waiting for it to tail off, but the Eagles’ LBs are letting things leak, so keep at it.
Bates is a threat to intercept a pass every week, and sometimes he gets a decent tackle total.
Shelby wins 144 – 143
I.e., this one could go either way, probably gets decided by a fluke TD or a massive IDP week. Oh wow, I just looked at Sean’s bench, and he should definitely start Zay Flowers over Mattison. Like, what are you doing? There’s your swing right there.
Sean wins 144-143
How to Play Fantasy vs. Krombopulos Michael
Coleman is all-in on the Brock Purdy experience, starting not only Purdy but Deebo and now Kittle, as well. I mean, do it. It’s the best offense in football, second best to only Miami in fantasy. Stack players on good offenses. This game should be this easy. Spencer is coming off a win, but 50 points from one player will do that (except for my loss to Oliver, which I’ll never recover from). Spencer can’t feel good about the overall play of his team, and Coleman brings positive momentum to this contest.
QB: Little Lever Trevor vs. Big Cock Brock
Need I say more?
Coleman leads 9 inches to 4
RB: Cook vs. Mostert
Little dudes who scoot!
Coleman leads 23 MPH to 20
WR: Calvin & ‘Marr vs. Olave & Deebo
Healthy guys vs. injured guys. Who you got?
Coleman leads 2 Toradols to zero
TE: Goedert vs. Kittle
Two 20s last week pumpkin back into two 2s this week.
Coleman leads one F-bomb to zero
FX: Garrett & Godwin vs. Walker & Stevenson
Zach Wilson literally will not complete a pass to Garrett Wilson this week.
Godwin will dominate if Evans sits.
Walker doesn’t have his best game against a good Bengals defense. Stevenson, by virtue of being a player I traded away, has a minimum 20 FP.
Coleman leads 35 – 22
K: McManus vs. Butker
Butker plays Thursday in wind, so you just know he’s shanking one XP and one FG.
McManus is Spencer’s most consistent player?
We’re tied at 33-all.
DL: Sweat vs. Hutch
Just a couple of freakishly long-limbed pass-rushers facing teams that give up pressure.
Coleman leads one weird eye black situation to zero.
LB: Oluokun vs. Bolton
Oluokun has completely failed to repeat last year’s tackle numbers. Bolton has never been a huge tackle guy, and now it seems he’s not getting the money stats either.
Spencer leads 4 vowels to 2
DB: Love vs. Darious Williams
For some reason, I love when the name Darius is spelled like it’s an adjective. It sounds like someone trying to think of the word brave and settle for trying to improvise using a closely related verb. Julian Love is going to outscore Jordan Love this year.
Spencer leads golden domer to zero.
DX: Terell Bernard vs. Alex Singleton
We’re tied at two trash LBs.
Coleman won more categories, so…
Coleman wins 150 – 112
That’s just math.
I dare say I think I got them all right this week.
