Last week on Mortydome:
“A man died on the field!”
“He didn’t die on the field.”
“If they have to give you CPR because your heart stops, you died!”
“Well okay, technically, fine, he died.”
“Yeah, so your win is bullshit.”
“I don’t know, man. When the game ended, I had more points than you, so…”
“jOsH aLLeN?!”
“Josh Allen Josh Schmallen.”
“You’re a punk.” Laughs. Smiles. (Softly) “You’re a fucking punk.”
For months, I’ve been saying I never want a fantasy season to end like the last one. The near-death thing, sure, but mostly the part where we couldn’t just let the score decide who won. Most leagues split the championship because most championship involved a team with Josh Allen entering Monday night at a deficit. I believe that if Bengals-Bills had been a full game that Evan would have won like 97 of 100 times. It was basically Josh Allen versus Ja’Marr Chase straight up, which is fun because they’ll probably be drafted back-to-back in the first round this year.
I need to re-hash here that we slammed Evan for drafting Josh Allen fifth overall in a year with no keepers. I need to emphasize that our league is QB-friendly. QBs score a lot of points. Which means Brock Purdy can take you to the championship but also that having the overall QB1 is a near-lock to win the championship. Like the only thing stopping you is a guy dying on the field. Is that gauche? Macabre? Am I a dick for making light? In my mind, I’m referencing Evan yelling, “A man died on the field,” throughout the French countryside at very American volume. Cardiac arrest is very scary and serious.
Also scary and serious: the way Oliver atom-bombed last year’s playoff run and this season’s draft in the span of two hours one drunk November night. After a questionable Fields plus a 2nd for Mahomes trade (which ended up being a win-win), Oliver spent a 4th on DK Metcalf, a 3rd on Mike Evans, and then capitalized off Brian selling anyone for anything, acquiring (I think; I’m not checking) D’Andre Swift and Michael Pittman for a 9th and 13th. What ultimately happened was that Oliver would have won the championship if he’d just played the team he already had—or I’m slightly wrong and the Evans trade was the only one worth making, beside the Mahomes one. The Mahomes trade was honestly sick. Fields fell apart in our playoffs, still somehow averaged 17 points per game, while Mahomes averaged 33 per game, best in Mortydome. AND Oliver gets to keep Mahomes this year. At worst, at absolute worst, Oliver finishes last in the league in 2023 but scores a late first-round pick for 2024. Gorgeous. The rest of it, blegh.
The lesson we’ve learned basically every other year here: don’t drink and draft, a drinker shouldn’t tinker. Enjoy your spirits. Don’t let them become demons. In general, when you’re plastered, your phone should be restricted to emergency services, your next of kin, and rideshare apps. That’s my political platform. Make phones phones again.
What else happened last year?
Trades came back! Trades were lit. Keep making trades. That shit was fun. I traded two awesome RBs for AJ Dillon and Justin Tucker, and in the playoffs, I beat the team I traded with. Kennedy and Oliver made the epic QB trade, Kennedy goes on to win the pick ladder, and in more than half of all timelines, Oliver wins the championship—I need you to understand that Oliver was going to be up like 60 points heading into that Monday night game. Like it would have been possible for Evan to win, but unlike Sean, Oliver wouldn’t have to pay for it in skin.
(That slap video is awesome, right? Like, you had a visceral reaction watching it. Immediately following the slap, I had to ask, like, do we need a fantasy court to decide if the slap was too hard? In my mind, slaps are for fun. It’s not a power/pain thing. To me, anyway. I honestly don’t care except to carve into my memory, never make a slap bet with Evan unless I know I’m winning. But also, if Sean had slapped Evan right back, I would have appealed to Kennedy to allow it.)
Taysom Hill happened for real. I feel like I was one of very few people to actually start Taysom in that very first week he exploded. Then of course I cut him because, as Brian so finely put it, what is TE? It’s getting to the point that any player without a fixed positon should be eligible to play TE. Taysom Hill, TE. Cordarrelle Patterson, TE. Deebo Samuel, TE. It’s a short list now, but it’s growing. At least I believe it’s growing. One thing I would love to have happen to fantasy is that the commissioner get power over who is eligible at what position. It doesn’t matter often, but there are moments. There are moments.
(Glossing over the reason for adding Taysom Hill when I did, namely Kyle Pitts? Sure am.)
Max played his first full Mortydome season, and I feel like he’s still a year away from remebering all the rules. It’s cool. Kennedy made keepers a thing in 2018, and it’s maybe only been one full year since people stopped asking for clarification, and then Corey axed them for a year anyway. So it’s all good. Not all good: Max’s 2022 season. Honestly surprised he didn’t finish last. Get Shelby something nice for her birthday, is all I’m saying. Why I am suddenly affecting the rhythm of a lounge act? I don’t know, but my wife says lounging is what I’m best at. OH! (rim shot)
So yeah, last season ruled. The league itself grows closer to professional wrestling every year, and I’m fully embracing it. I’m literally never complaining about refs again. They are getting paid to call it the exact way they are calling it. Games aren’t fixed, aren’t rigged, they’re… cajoled? Some games are directed toward an outcome, but the outcome itself is not predetermined. There is some element of Brad Pitt from Snatch showing up and saying fuck your purse. But so it’s fun now. Football is fun. Fun, sir. It’s not serious at all. 45-year-old Tom Brady chucking balls in the dirt and getting blown out in the playoffs by a team that missed four extra points is not slightly serious at all. Brett Maher must have made a shit-load of money. He was definitely on the broken-leg end of whatever kind of deal the kicker from The Replacements was involved in. 45 years old. I want to puke.
Enough about last season. Sorry I’m not discussing everyone. I’m solely focused on things burned into my memory. Like Cameron trading away Ja’Marr Chase without getting a good keeper or a good draft pick. Like Shelby sitting at the back of the third round, having to decide between Kyler Murray and Joe Burrow, possibly off Kyler forever now as a result of finishing in last place. Like Brian actually being in last place by a solid margin for the entire fucking season, barely scoring 100 a week, but winning the final game of the season to avoid having to display that pitiful Jerry trophy to his newborn daughter.
Okay so transitioning into this season, a season of transition. We have three new dads—Coleman, Brian, and me. We have a newlywed Oliver and Sean (not to each other, but woulda been cute). Cameron is a father of three after wlecoming a son in February (I hope; I’m so bad with birthdays). Beautiful babies. Beautiful weddings. We can do more of those details on the draft zoom. Feels like everyone is thriving. It’s awesome to see.
Exciting things about this season:
Oliver doesn’t have any fucking draft picks. And after Mahomes, he doesn’t have an inpsiring keeper. His best hope is that Isiah Pacheco becomes a solid starter in KC, which is a decent bet, but then Oliver has to root for Kansas City, which is a conflict of interest for a Broncos fan.
I have many draft picks. Well, it’s the same number or possibly even one fewer than everyone else, but three of them are at the beginning of the fourth round.
Brian has many picks. Brian has all of his orginal picks, plus an extra 1st, 9th, 12th, 13th, and 14th. It’s mostly garbage, but two firsts is two firsts. And it gives Brian the opportunity to package things for small moves up. He can draft five extra players and keep them on his roster; it just locks his roster until he drops the extra five players. So it’s not recommended. Ideally, Brian consolidates his draft capital into high picks and low picks. Keep those extra 12-14s. Package your 6-9 picks (Fart 69 kismet) into an extra 3rd. Then again, the last time Brian had five picks in the first three rounds, he totally blew it (well, injuries blew it, but it’s on you to take care of your players; get praying or get into voodoo). Again, the worst outcome would be Brian staying pat with five extra picks. You’re practically guaranteed to drop a player who would’ve become a starter for you.
I am getting paid money to write the note, which means I’m in my Lev Bell era. Pay me for my past production. Do not expect me to earn it anymore. I could find a better analogy in basketball, where bloated contracts are practically a necessity for the market to function. But yeah, I’m looking forward to collecting that check. The Stay at Home Dad grind only pays if you sell out on social media. I’m debating opening a daycare. Mostly kidding. That’s the name of the daycare: Mostly Kidding.
Evan will be on the warpath. He was mocked for taking the best player too ealy, he was robbed a championship, and he doesn’t let shit like that go.
Coleman and Brian will not be living that SAHD life and so will likely be vying for last place as they juggle parenting, marriage, and real jobs, in addition to, like, trying to have real social lives. Then again, you gotta do something during those weird, random late nights. And sleeper’s default is dark mode, so…
Looking at sleeper’s default rankings, and considering the number of starting rookie QBs, this is a massive transition year for the league. Tom Brady retiring is kind of a huge deal. The NFL news cycle in the 21st century has revolved around Tom Brady. Last year was basically the first in 20 years that Brady’s team wasn’t like a top-3 favorite to win the Super Bowl? But so the default rankings: Mike Evans is not in the top 100. If you mock draft right now, he remains available until the 10th round—granted sleeper’s algorithm favors IDPs more than we do. But still. At 100th, minus keepers, that still puts Evans in like the sixth or seventh round. Now, that should balance out as more redraft leagues kickoff—remember sleeper’s rankings are swayed by dynasty drafts that dominate the offseason. Rookies are wayyy high. Anthony Richardson is a third-round QB in the handful of mock drafts I’ve done. I have to believe PPR must be infecting the pool as well because Amon-Ra St. Brown is consistently drafted in the first round. He finished 25th in scoring among non-QBs (31st in per-game scoring). So even with keepers, first round is a stretch. Meanwhile, Derrick Henry and Nick Chubb, top-5 overall non-QBs, are considered mid-second-rounders. Okay, sleeper.
Basically, beware the youth. But also, lean into the turn. Rookie RBs and WRs are scoring better and better as offenses continue to take advantage of easy buttons in a mild-contact NFL. Even rookie QBs will be a better investment than they were just ten years ago. I don’t have the stats, but every year, the number of wide open throws increases. Colt McCoy said it on last season’s in-season Hard Knocks: if everything is spaced correctly, by the time I finish my drop, someone should be open. Granted, McCoy was offering criticism of Kliff Kingsbury’s trash designs, coupled with the Cardinals’ reserve receivers’ lack of attention to detail. But Brock Purdy nearly made the Super Bowl because something like 30% of his throws were to wide open receivers. That’s fucking crazy.
Speaking of QBs, good fucking luck getting one. Again, the team with the best QB is a shoe-in for the championship. And thanks to Corey’s keeper embargo and most people’s automatic aversion to drafting QB before the third round, we’re likely entering the season with the following QBs off the board: Mahomes, Hurts, Burrow, Lamar, Herbert, and Fields. There are timelines where Trevor Lawrence and Tua join that list. Dak could be on the list if Kennedy wants to keep two and trade. Honestly Kennedy could keep two and draft Josh Allen, really introduce some fucking anarchy, because Kennedy has an extra second-round pick. Is it the smartest thing to do? Maybe not. But would you rather have, say, Justin Fields and CMC, or Josh Allen and Joe Mixon? And that’s not even counting what you get in a trade for Fields. The last time the number one pick had this much intrigue was the last time Kennedy held it, when he made the awesome decision to acquire the number two overall pick from me in exchange for both picks at the 2-3 turn. So Kennedy picked twice to kickoff the draft, I picked four WRs in a row at the 2-3 turn, and then Kennedy had three picks in a row at the 8-9 turn. It was epic. Literally every player involved in the trade either got seriously hurt or seriously sucked—except, notably, Kennedy’s first overall pick, Antonio Brown. INTRIGUE AT THE TOP SPOT, PEOPLE. OFFER KENNEDY YOUR BODY FOR A PIECE OF JOSH ALLEN’S. (But actually, drafting Allen and trading Fields and/or Dak is the move. I don’t care what kind of leap the latter two can make this year. Josh Allen has leapt. He is real.)
The Bucs are bringing back the creamsicles, and as always happens when we bring back the creamsicles, it’s going to be one of the worst seasons in franchise history. I am so here for it. Partially because I’m a Ravens fan now and the Bucs don’t have power over me anymore but also because it only takes a couple weeks for me to get fully sucked in and harder daddy the Bucs definitely have power over me.
That’s my word-quota for this week. I’ll leave you with a brush-up on the basics:
Scoring details can be found in league settings on sleeper. Generally speaking, QBs are more valuable here than in your average league. Six-point TDs and point-per-first-down go a long way there. IDP scoring rewards tackle-leaders over the course of a season, but your needle-movers are sacks and turnovers. So as the saying goes, get you a man that can do both.
Yearly dues are $75. $50 goes toward year-end prize money and weekly cash games. $25 goes straight in my pocket, per Evan’s new rule that pays me to write the weekly note. I’m deciding to put $25 of that note money back into the pot so that 2nd Place can continue to win back their total dues. I’m toying with the idea of putting money back in the pot any week I miss a note, but again, that SAHD grind does not pay, so…
16 cash games = $160
1st place = $390
2nd place = $75
Every team gets to keep two players from the previous season:
Early keeper – drafted in Rounds 3-9 the year prior, never hit true free agency
Late keeper – drafted in Rounds 10+ or acquired in free agency
Players acquired in trade maintain their original keeper status. To check where each player stands, refer to the History tab in each player’s profile on sleeper.
To be eligible, players must have played in an NFL game between the time you acquired them and end of season. Starting lineup doesn’t matter.
Keepers will be announced right before the start of the draft. No more early decision bullshit from me on this. You can announce your keepers early if you want, either to drum up trade interest or sway others’ decisions or just to be a menace. Nothing is final until we get on that Zoom call.
Trading keepers can work in two ways:
1. Keep a player and then trade him.
2. Trade the right to keep a player. Feels like a potential can of worms but whatever.
(I’m trying to do this “anything goes” kinda thing with trades, so just make your trades and the league can decide whether it’s in bounds or not.)
Although we have 18 roster spots (plus one IR slot), you can draft more than 18 players. You can exceed the roster limit as a result of a trade or by putting a player on IR. Your roster locks once you exceed the limit or have an ineligible player on IR. I think that whenever you can have an extra player, you should do it until you need to be able to adjust your roster.
Now, it’s truly impossible that I would forget anything, but in that unlikely case, just shout it inot the league chat. We will figure it out.
Between now and the draft, you’ll get a pre-draft keeper note where I try to make all of your decisions for you, take credit for decisions you were already planning on making, and get pre-disappointed in anything I didn’t account for. Thanks.
