Joe Mixon holds the record for FP in a single game. Shelby crushed her matchup. But the real story, to me anyway, is that for the second time this season, a QB has scored 60 FP on someone’s bench. Last time, it was Tua, and it was crazy, and it wouldn’t have made sense for Corey to start him over Joe Burrow. This time, it was Justin Fields, who was sitting on Oliver’s bench because Oliver can’t bring himself to bench Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers had a great matchup against Detroit, and Fields was facing a decent Miami defense that just added Bradley Chubb. Justin Fields has been so stupid hot, though, that I would have benched any struggling QB for him. QBs I would have started over Justin Fields: Allen, Mahomes, Lamar, Burrow (I know because I had the choice in another league), and Jalen Hurts. I think that’s the whole list, and Lamar shouldn’t really make the list with Andrews and Bateman and the top two RBs out. He only made the list because it’s my list and I’m sick.
Oliver is also sick. Not for starting Rodgers. Rodgers sucks and his team is bad, but he’s won back-to-back MVPs and Detroit felt like a get-right game. Injuries to Aaron Jones, Romeo Doubs, and David Bakhtiari fucked up the gameplan. I just don’t think the Packers are any good. The Titans’ offensive line has lost everything but the center from Derrick Henry’s best season just two years ago, and they’ve played two games without a starting-caliber QB, and they are fine. Yes, I’m comparing AJ Dillon to Derrick Henry. Get Dillon 25 carries and he’ll soften up that defense. Fuck the Packers. Ugh.
But that has nothing to do with why Oliver is sick. Oliver is sick because Oliver is adding Russell Wilson to this clown show. Granted, Fields and Rodgers have the same bye (Week 14), so Oliver needed someone else at QB eventually. So adding Russell Wilson isn’t even the sick part. The sick part is keeping Aaron Rodgers, hoping that his trade value improves just enough that a playoff team with QB trouble actually trades for him.
Josh Allen’s UCL has entered the chat. Evan has seven wins, enough to get into a tiebreaker for the 6-seed, one win away from a solid clinch. His roster is strong enough to carry a reduced version of Josh Allen to a 1-4 record, easy, but if you tell me my professional thrower hurt his elbow, and I start to formulate a backup plan. Maybe Aaron Rodgers in a chase for a wild card is just what Evan needs on standby. Maybe he’s willing to part with a 12th Round pick for that peace of mind. Maybe Oliver asks for more, but no one is bidding against Evan.
Not Brian: he has found a way to start “Jameis Winston” and get fantasy points.
Not Spencer: he’s going to start Lawrence for at least another year.
Not Max: he has his own fading goat.
Not Corey: Burrow is better.
Not Shelby: Kyler/Geno isn’t better but is more fun.
Not me: give me Lamar or give me death.
Not Cameron: he’s got enough Shanahanigans.
Not Kennedy: he’s still hoping to move Dak.
Not Sean: Hurts, man.
Not Coleman: Herbert is matching Rodgers’ output through broken ribs and worse WRs.
Not even Evan: there are three free agent QBs equal to or better than Rodgers.
In that list, we have more competition for Evan’s 12th Round pick than we have for Rodgers’ services rest of season. Kennedy can offer Dak, and Brian might as well get a pittance for Cousins if he’s going to lose every game anyway.
Brian got smoked again in Week 9, smoked by his own pathetic roster. I’m losing hope. The Colts are in a controlled nosedive, tanking Pittman’s value. D’Andre Swift isn’t healthy, and even when he gets healthy, the Lions will be out of the playoff hunt and shut him down anyway. So it’s Cousins, Lamb, and… Diontae Johnson, who has yet to score a TD this season? Chase Claypool, primary outside blocker for Justin Fields? Marquez Valdes-Scantling, who is falling behind Justin Watson and Kadarius Toney on the Chiefs’ depth chart? Clyde Edwards-Helaire, falling behind Isiah Pacheco and Jerick McKinnon? The Rams’ RBs, falling all over each other fighting to see who gets the bigger half of 50 yards this week? Hey, Elijah Mitchell is back from IR! And I didn’t even mention Wan’Dale Robinson yet!
I saw a video recently of someone taking their “leftover milk” (which I’ve come to understand as milk that has maybe begun to turn but not quite?) adding corn starch or some shit, gelatinating the milk, then breading it and frying it to make (I guess) a sort of mozzarella stick situation… I feel like that is the best Brian can hope to make from this roster: not-quite-spoiled breaded milk sticks.
Spencer and Oliver are right there. Oliver at least has the points. Going 4-1 is hard enough, but Spencer has to go 4-1 and score enough to make up a week’s worth of points to get a shot at the 6-seed. Is it over? It’s not… It’s not.
All that matters is trying to win this week. You think too far ahead, and you lose sight of what’s right in front of you. I know this from watching romantic comedies. Do you want to moon over Ed Burns or do you want to moan under James Marsden?
So while Brian took losing to new lows, Corey snapped his five-game losing streak, keeping him firmly in the playoff hunt. He had to do some crazy shit to make it happen. All of his IDPs were on bye. I’m not exaggerating. He had to find room to add four IDPs last week, and in doing so, he cut all the fat from his roster and now has kind of a scary team. I wouldn’t be surprised if Corey went on a little heater here and wound up with the 4-seed in the playoffs. If he can upset Coleman this week, he even sets himself up to make a run at a first-round bye.
Meanwhile, Sean’s losing streak is rolling down that hill and picking up speed. He’s going to lose again this week, and I think he keeps losing until Ja’Marr Chase comes back, and even then, he will only win weeks where Ja’Marr Chase scores 30. That’s the cost of stealing in this society. I don’t make the rules.
Shelby, Cameron, Kennedy, and I are at the mercy of our weird rosters and shouldn’t be trusted to win more than a couple games at a time, which takes us out of the running for serious championship contention. Evan, Coleman, and Corey are the only people I trust to get hot and stay hot. Honestly, I fucking love my team and feel like I should score 175 points every week, but I also see what actually happens. I see how dependent I am on touchdowns and understand that I can’t possibly string three strong weeks together.
The only team I haven’t mentioned yet is Max, whose 4-5 record and 140 FP per week keeps him very much in contention for that final playoff spot. Max is sadly falling prey to the two-QB problem, which is that if you have two QBs, you have zero QBs. Max needs to keep starting Tom Brady every week except his bye week. It’s the only way not to go crazy. I understand why he’s starting Derek Carr this week. The Colts suck. BUT the Colts just fired a bunch of people, everyone on the roster is on notice, and grown men cannot stand being embarrassed. Furthermore, the Raiders will be without Waller and Renfrow. The Raiders will not come into this game with nearly the amount of fire in their bellies as the Colts. I think that adrenal edge will lead to such an embarrassing loss for the Raiders that they fire their head coach, leading Max to drop Derek Carr. During all of this, Brady’s going to be on a direct flight from Munich to Tampa, celebrating the four-TD game he had against the Seahawks. Don’t question who your starting QB is unless one has completely blown out the other in consecutive weeks. Without looking at the numbers, I assume Brady is ahead of Carr in points per game. Even if they’re close, there’s nothing to suggest that (without Waller and Renfrow!) Carr can do significantly better than Brady. Brady would have to be playing a top-five defense, and Carr would have to be playing a bottom-five defense.
I don’t want to be blamed for anything that happens if anyone makes a decision based on my advice. I’m just the Babe calling my shot. Brady is going to have a huge fantasy game, and Carr is going to max out at 20, and I really think he’s going to finish closer to 10.
First of all, amazing cash game idea from Kennedy. Keep innovating, friends. I love to see it. I also love to see that the list of most common names does not include Lamar, Derrick (or Derek), D’Kaylin, or DeAndre. My only players on the list are Kyle (wasn’t gonna happen in a million years), Robert, and Danielle, who probably won’t score as many points combined as the eventual winner. Shit, Lamar is on bye. As are some other hot uncommon names like Roquan and Rhamondre. So for QB I had Stafford, but then he was put in the concussion protocol three full days after his team’s game? But he’s a Matthew anyway, so it gives me the chance to go uncommon there. Here are all of the uncommon-name QBs in free agency who will start this week: Jared, Davis, Taylor, and Jacoby. My hope is that Josh Allen sits and Case Keenum starts. Case is a sweet name, and Case is still the all-time leader in college passing yards. He’s not a very good pro quarterback BUT in a shootout with his former team the Vikings, and the man who took his job Kirk Cousins, it’s a double-revenge game and a chance for Case to prove to the Bills he can steer the ship and give Josh Allen time to rest, which would be awesome for all of us as it would bring the Polar Express to a stop and give people a chance to catch up to Evan. Anyway, here are the matchups.
Derrick Henry over Doing It Wrong
I don’t know who my starting QB is yet. Shelby probably has to start Geno against the Bucs in Germany since Kyler’s a game-time decision in the late afternoon, but Shelby could always hold out hope for Kyler and pivot to Colt McCoy (assuming I don’t pivot to Colt McCoy first!). Either way, it’s easily the grossest QB matchup of the week. Stefon Diggs playing without Josh Allen would be interesting, especially because Case Keenum is the QB who threw the Minneapolis Miracle, that crazy catch and run for 60 yards that sent Minnesota to the second round of the 2017 playoffs. Otherwise, I feel like I’m sweeping most categories here. Henry, Hopkins, Metcalf, Kirk… did anyone else know that Christian Kirk is ninth in WR scoring this season?! I’ve been treating this dude like bench depth. I almost traded him for Tom Brady (in a convoluted deal that sent Kirk to Kennedy, Dak to Max, and Brady to me; then I added a 9th Round pick from Kennedy to me, then I spiraled and never sent the offer). Anyway, I feel my confidence becoming overconfidence, and I recognize my team’s ability to score barely 100 points, especially when I can’t bring myself to drop one of my two Ravens LBs for a replacement kicker. I just see Shelby starting Rachaad White and Donovan Peoples-Jones, and I feel like, okay, my worst player is AJ Dillon; I can do this.
Tiny Rick over C’mon Football
Sorry, Spe. I just feel like you’re in a tailspin, and Trevor Lawrence vs. the Chiefs is not the way out. Spencer’s team isn’t bad. It’s just this would be Spencer’s first 150-FP game since Week 4. I guess he’s due. I don’t know. Feels like Josh Allen is going to start, and I’m going to have wasted a lot of energy thinking about Case Keenum. I’m not getting into the rest of these lineups. Evan has the advantage at every position except TE, but even there, is there a difference between Dallas Goedert and Cole Kmet anymore? The Bears’ offense is stupid hot, and Kmet has three TDs in their last two games. Evan can break 150 without Josh Allen. Spencer still has much to prove.
Woof, jinx over In-N-Out
D’Onta Foreman already has 25 points, and I was going to pick Kennedy anyway. I have guaranteed Sean a three-game skid, and I’m sticking with it. These are similar teams, though. Top-five QBs, three strong RBs, sketchy WRs and TEs, and, like, fine IDPs. Realistically it should be similar to Kennedy’s matchup with Corey last week, where both teams score in the 140s. But Mahomes will score 40 and make it more like a 160-140 deal. Sean’s third loss remains guaranteed.
Back2back over K. Mike
Corey’s back. The particulars don’t matter. Corey will find away to earn another win and get back to .500. I like Coleman’s players but not their matchups/situations. Herbert’s barely scoring 20, probably failing to out-duel Danny Dimes. The Steelers are going to shut down Coleman’s Saints. Dameon Pierce and Ken Walker finally get some cold water this week. Coleman probably gets that “Worst Manager” award in the weekly recap that sleeper does, after hitting like 60% of his projected points.
Pirates over Winning Machine
Yeah, I can’t pick Brian to win anymore. I’m doing his team a disservice by believing in them. They need to believe in themselves. They need to be the Seminoles Brian is trying to make of them. You know what this team needs? More Seminoles legends. Lee Corso, Burt Reynolds, Warrick Dunn, Derrick Brooks, Deion… If you’re going to do it, go all the way. Full delusion gets you a win one way or another.
Gutters over Lyfe
It’s Justin Fields willing this team to victory, pulling Oliver out of the gutter and preventing him from selling off his team before Thanksgiving. More importantly, it’s Cameron falling behind me in the standings this week after I win and he loses.
That’s it. I’ve been writing this whole thing in airports and airplanes, and I’m sick of it. I’m looking forward to this Germany game, mostly because the Ravens have a bye so it’s the only game I feel I have any real skin in. Good luck to everyone with a chance to improve my place in the standings.
