It was just an unfortunate thing that happened. I don’t have a logical argument for who’s to blame. I know that I was triggered and unable to cope in a functional way. Kyle Pitts was down, and I needed help. Logic dictated that I sort free agent TEs by targets. Depending on what timeframe I considered “reality,” the answer was either Hayden Hurst, Evan Engram, or Robert Tonyan. Sort by QB: you get Tonyan, Hurst, Engram. Sort by athleticism: Engram, Hurst, Tonyan. Advanced Sort by “team need for someone to step up”: Tonyan, Engram, Hurst. Logical result: there is no three-sided object, therefore this scenario is too contrived.
I scroll down the free agent list: Logan Thomas, Irv Smith, Saints dudes, Colts dudes, Bucs dudes, Pats dudes, Cole Kmet, Tommy Tremble. Maybe gambler’s fallacy this bitch: pick someone who has had good games but not recently (a.k.a. the “he’s due” fallacy).
Now I’m completely overwhelmed. There is no good option. So if no good option exists, there is a question as to whether anything exists at all. So if nothing exists at all, there can be no ceiling, and there can be no floor. If the boundaries of space and time are in question, then who do we turn to? If we’re just ignoring the rules of reality, what is left to keep us from lifting off the ground and floating into the distance forever. The answer of course is Taysom Hill, who I can’t decide what to even compare him to. Enigma. CryptoTebow. What if a pair of Matt Prater’s cleats were struck by lightning and Taysom Hill found them and wore them? What if Lamar Jackson and Jason Sehorn had a baby? Are we really doing anything more important than writing fan fiction in the form of a Taysom Hill origin story? Couldn’t be me.
Lean into lawlessness. Don’t break the commandments or anything. We’re Taysomites, we evolved from the Tebrew people. We believe in G-d and fear his judgment. But if we’re going to be subjected to the torture of living, dammit, we’re gonna live.
44 points from Holy Hill brought me a win, a cash win, and a slap-bet win. That’s the Trinity, baby. I am on my knees with my head bowed the man we might call White Flight, The White Knight, we’re workshopping the name or else we’d be done with the bit by now… I like Holy Hill but I feel like I’m wasting the rare mineral that is the name Taysom. Maybe I’ll come back to it.
Let’s do a new segment called Traded Player Corner because I FEEL LIKE IT.
Hollywood Brown is WR8, avg. 16 FP (20 post- trade).
Trevor Lawrence is QB 15, avg. 20 FP (19 post-trade).
Dak Prescott has yet to play.
Mike Williams is WR20, avg. 13.0 FP (18.2 post).
Ja’Marr Chase is WR18, avg. 13.5 FP (9.5 post).
Cordarelle Patterson is gone ‘til November.
Dameon Pierce is RB10, avg. 17 FP (23 post).
Quadzilla Dilla is RB34, avg. 11 FP (5.4 post).
Justin Tucker is K4, avg. 11 FP (17.8 post).
Rashaad Penny is toast.
Hollywood will be more like WR15 when playing with Hopkins, which would still make him Kennedy’s best WR, which K will take all day over a QB he couldn’t use. Lawrence is going to be QB10 or higher albeit via roller coaster. Dak will be basically as good as Lawrence from Week 10 on, but Spencer couldn’t afford to wait eight weeks, while Kennedy can. Lawrence, though, has the potential to become the fourth Rushmore alongside Allen, Mahomes, and Lamar—can’t be Herbert because he doesn’t RUSH MORE than these QBs, eh? funny? funny?!
Ja’Marr Chase is going to outscore Mike Williams by many, many points. Cordarrelle Patterson is going to score like a normal RB. You can reasonably expect 10 FP, and reasonably receive something between 5 and 25 FP, but when he gets 25, he’s probably taken enough damage to knock him out for a week or force the team to limit his touches for a week or two. Ja’Marr Chase is more fun and cooler and the Bengals wear white uniforms with black stripes sometimes. C’mon!
Dameon Pierce is legitimately RB10. He is strong and quick and even though the Texans suck, they don’t really care that they suck. They are still going to make sure their best player touches the ball more than anyone but the QB. Pierce is getting a minimum 30% of the offense. On their worst day, that’s 60 yards. He is their best option to score from inside the 10. AJ Dillon can score from inside the 10, but Aaron Jones can do it better, and even his legs are second to Aaron Rodgers’ arm. Dillon’s fucked until the Packers start playing in the snow, so his rest-of-season outcome depends on climate change being a hoax. Justin Tucker can kick a football from his own endzone into a tuba on the 50-yard line while the band changes formation, though. Look at Justin Tucker scoring 18 FP while Coleman’s new kicker scores… shit, 12? Brett Maher scored 12 last week, and he’s outscoring Tucker on the year. So I got got, but the score of our slap bet is still 18-12 in Tucker’s favor, and just asks Oliver which he remembers clear: losing a fantasy football trade, or getting slapped on the day of Brian’s wedding. (Still waiting on that photo, Brian.)
Other Week 5 tidbits: Oliver had an incredible comeback, with Travis Kelce matching Taysom Hill’s touchdown total, still finishing second in TE scoring by a solid 17 FP. But it was enough to upset the only undefeated team remaining, so after five weeks, no one is winless or lossless. Brian hit a season-high in scoring with 125 FP this week. Good for Brian! Sadly, Brian lost to Kennedy, who also hit his season-high with 183. Coleman hit a season-high of 192, getting what college football would call a “good win,” besting a 175 and slowing Cameron’s climb up the ranks. Shelby played in the lowest scoring matchup for the third consecutive week, her first win in such contests, her first win since Week 1. Kyler Murray remains a top-10 QB in fantasy, and he's just one week from getting Hopkins back. Geno Smith looks legit, which gives Shelby the opportunity to strike a deal with Cameron, who will appreciate the poetry in choosing between Geno Smith and Russell Wilson every week, mostly due to the relief of removing Carson Wentz from the equation. Gordon + Eno = Geno? Sean’s Week 5 win brings him even with Evan again at 4-1. The standings are starting to be worth something. Each of them has a one-game lead over playoff teams and a two-game lead over the top non-playoff team. And they are halfway to the amount of wins they need to make the playoffs. They are each two wins away from probably making the playoff spots and four wins away from definitely making the playoffs, and it’s all about the quarterbacks, babyyyy. Kennedy is heating up and given that his increased scoring is mostly coming from players you’d expect to score, it feels sustainable. Evan, Kennedy, and Sean are our top three. Coleman is a shaky fourth. I feel like being first in scoring makes me a contender, but we have seen Cameron lead the league in scoring and still miss the playoffs. So I’ll consider myself part of this messy middle class along with Shelby, Spencer, Cameron, Oliver, and Corey. Either Max or Brian can make the playoffs, but at risk of jinxing half of the league, I’m saying right now: one of them will miss the playoffs.
We shouldn’t really be thinking about playoff mode yet. That’s reserved for when one team gets mathematically eliminated, at which point any team that’s clinched a playoff spot should offer the eliminated team a pick-for-best-player trade. Like, if Brian gets eliminated on a Monday night, then he should wake up Tuesday morning to multiple offers for CeeDee Lamb and D’Andre Swift, since those are players he can’t keep next year. Whatever Brian says they’re worth, that’s what it is. You can try to haggle, but you might be blind-bidding against three other teams. There is precedent for offering a 1st Round pick, but man, it would be hard to do it for just one player. Right this second, the only players on losing teams worth a 1st are Stefon Diggs and Derrick Henry. The only other players worth a 1st right now are Chubb, Kupp, Saquon, and Jefferson, maybe Ekeler, maybe Kelce, but no matter what, I’m offering a conditional first. I’m offering you a 2nd today and will upgrade it to a 1st if I win the championship. Knowing me, I’ll throw in a 10th without even being asked for it. It’ll get haggled up to an 8th because when I want something, I want it now, and I don’t want anything to get in my way.
First off, double-letter players are going off this week. It’ll be a week that makes the cash game feel like higher stakes than the matchups. I wanted to make a game where Taysom Hill could win again but like, slyly, you know, real sly-like.
In general, I think this will be a week where good QBs play well and bad QBs don’t. And I’m not saying that in a “business as usual” sense. I’m saying that the QBs who play well this weekend will be generally good for fantasy going forward. QBs that don’t play well should basically not be on our rosters anymore. The RB renaissance is real, but how long will it last? Teams are using more 2-high (two safeties playing deep) in order to prepare for the day they play Mahomes or Allen in the playoffs. Devin Singletary’s post-hype breakout is not a coincidence. All starting RBs need to be in lineups. Interim starting RBs need to be in lineups. If you have a receiver that relies on deep balls, either start him every week or bench him every week because there are no good matchups, just good fortune.
Roy over 100 Years
QB: Mahomes gets a shootout against Josh Allen and the Bills. Lamar faces Daniel Jones and the Giants, who are not capable of a shootout. Advantage Kennedy.
RB: We’re both staring three RBs. Derrick Henry is on bye, so I’m starting Rhamondre, Dobbins, and Dillon. Advantage Kennedy by default, but add to that he already got 15 from Brian Robinson and he’s flexing two of the league’s five bell-cow RBs in Ekeler and Fournette. Massive advantage Kennedy.
WR: Allen Lazard and DK Metcalf are pretty similar in fantasy. We’re expecting a TD more weeks than not, hoping we get 50 yards to go with. Christian Kirk vs. Hollywood Brown should be similar, but they’re not. Kirk was getting all the Jag’s targets to start the year, but that’s slowed down. Hollywood wasn’t getting enough targets early on, but that’s picked up. Slight advantage Kennedy.
TE: Neither of us have Kelce or Andrews. No advantage.
K: Tucker over everybody. Advantage me.
DL: My two preferred options are truly questionable, so I’m starting double-letter Rousseau, who will play 45 snaps against the worst Chiefs’ lineman. Kennedy has Danielle Hunter, who played DE his entire life and is now transitioning to OLB in the Vikings’ new defense. Results are mixed, but against the Dolphins’ backup LT and a rookie QB, he’s getting at least one sack. Advantage Kennedy.
LB: CJ Mosley is top-5 in tackles this season. Everything else IDPs do is chaos. Slight advantage me.
DB: Talanoa Hufanga is the new hotness at DB, 3rd in IDP scoring this year. Xavier McKinney is also hot, but not so hot he makes you cry out “HUF!” Advantage me.
DX: Oluokun is 5th in IDP scoring, but L’Jarius Sneed is 6th, by one point. No advantage.
So basically if it’s possible for my K and IDPs to neutralize the advantage Kennedy gets from Mahomes, Ekeler, and Fournette, I have a chance.
Consider over C’mon
QB: Brian is starting Not Jameis. Advantage Spencer.
RB: CEH & Jeff Wilson vs. DMG & Aaron Jones. Advantage Spencer.
WR: Pittman, Lamb, and Diontae vs. Samuel, Evans, and Tee. Slight advantage Brian.
TE: Who Am I This Time vs. Goedert. Advantage Spencer.
K: Kicks with the Power of Butts vs. Ups with the Power of Succ. Advantage Brian.
DL: Burns over Judon. Brian.
LB: Wagner vs. Lloyd. Split.
DB: Derwin over everybody. Brian.
DX: Poyer over Wilson. Spencer.
Brian’s most recent win was Jameis’ most recent game. I want to believe there’s meaning in this, but I can’t get all the way behind it. This is the type of matchup Spencer should win, which is a nice way of saying it’s the type he tends to lose. I’m picking Brian purely based on vibes.
Adventure over Tickets
QB: Hurts over Rodgers. Sean.
RB: Saquon & CMC over Dalvin & Devin. Oliver
WR: Chase & Sutton over Robinson & Aiyuk, so over that I shouldn’t even bother comparing the rest of the matchup. Chase alone is getting 30 more than Robinson and Aiyuk combined. Sean.
TE: Kelce vs. Andrews is such an awesome TE matchup. It’s super sad it will not impact this matchup at all because of how much Sean’s QB and WRs will dominate Oliver’s.
FX: Romeo Doubs vs. Mike Boone. Split, except that Doubs’ production undercuts Rodgers’. Slight advantage Sean.
K: Nothing of note.
DL: Not TJ Watt vs. Not Joey Bosa. Split.
LB: Broncos ILB vs. Broncos OLB. Split.
DB: Ramsey vs. Vonn Bell. Ramsey is back to his old tricks with Troy Hill on IR. He will get close to 10 FP per week as long as Hill stays out. Vonn Bell is not nothing, but advantage Oliver.
DX: Jordan Hicks vs. Zaire Franklin, 10 tackles apiece. Split.
Aaron Rodgers, Allen Robinson, and Brandon Aiyuk can’t all three be in a winning lineup. I refuse to buy that. Oliver doesn’t have better options. Oliver’s only hope is that the Cowboys’ defense has an answer for Jalen Hurts. I honestly don’t believe there’s an answer for Jalen Hurts. He’s like Ryan Tannehill with more speed, a better line, and no Derrick Henry. The Eagles need to lean on Hurts more than the Titans did even at Tannehill’s best, and Hurts can do more than Tannehill did at his best. Sean is winning, even if it’s surprisingly close. Then again, all of Oliver’s wins are bullshit, so why shouldn’t he get another bullshit win this week? (Note: I no longer believe any fantasy football outcome is bullshit. I’m just coping with Oliver having a better record than me.)
K. Mike over T. Rick
If I were able to bet on football games from my phone, I would bet against Josh Allen every week. The week it hits, I will make back all of the money I lost and then some. I unintentionally made a chase game that favors Josh Allen, so I’m choosing to believe Josh Allen will finally have a bad game. The only the thing the Chiefs’ defense cares about is defending Josh Allen. So let’s ignore the evidence that Josh Allen has developed a complete game where he is as patient or as aggressive as he needs to be from play to play. Let’s ignore the advantage Evan has at every position. Let’s focus solely on Josh Allen being fallible and Evan facing his old friends, the Justins. It’s a revenge game for Herbs and Jefferson, and that’s enough to swing this thing for Coleman. No, we’re ignoring Coleman’s best IDP on bye and Coleman’s garbage kicker, Coleman starting two members of Andy Dalton’s offense. If Krombopulous Michael wants to kill someone, he’ll do it whether we sell him the gun or not. We might as well get an afternoon at Blips and Chitz out of it.
Pirates over JCor
I’m protesting this contest on the basis of Corey clogging his IR spot with Javonte Williams, who has a torn ACL and who is not eligible to be kept by virtue of being drafted in the 2nd Round. I appreciate pouring one out for the homies and keeping Javonte on IR for one week in memoriam. But you have many injured players and many empty lineup spots. It is time to let Javonte go. It was also time to let McKissic go before the Thursday games. I can’t get into it any deeper or else the protest loses its meaning.
Max, enjoy your victory. The best part will be Brady dropping 40. Brian is right about this league’s rules and everyone’s playoff contention. I mean, it’s not what it was last year, but we all have a chance for a lot longer than seems appropriate. A win this week brings you back from the dead. I’m rooting for you.
Doing It Wrong over Doing it Wentz
QB: Wentz vs. Murray. You get two points from you starting QB, you’re pretty much out of it, especially with Kyler going against the worst defense not on bye this week. Massive advantage Shelby.
RB: Mixon vs. … Gordon? We actually don’t know if Gordon will play. If he does, he’s actually a good bet to outscore Mixon. Mixon is at the bottom of the league in yards per carry, and the Bengals have yet to show any signs of fixing their offense. Split.
WR: Diggs over Deebo. Mike Williams over Jeudy. Slight advantage Shelby.
TE: Ertz over Kittle. Kittle’s just not getting enough work. Advantage Cameron.
FX: RBs over non-#1 WRs, especially when it’s Eno starting against the Seahawks and Shelby starting a slot WR and a Jet. Advantage Cameron.
K: McPherson has outscored either Mixon or Boyd in four of five weeks. Shelby essentially has no kicker. Advantage Cameron.
DL: Garrett over Donald. Slight Cameron.
LB: White over Brooks. Shelby.
DB. Diggs over Edwards. Shelby.
DX: Edwards vs. Tranquill. Split.
Probably not a blowout, but definitely Shelby’s game to lose at this point.
As of October 15 at 6:10 PM, here is how many double-letters everyone has on their team(not just players with double-letters but every instance, i.e., Darnell Mooney counts as two. I’m not doing middle names.) Remember this is just a tiebreaker if two players with double-letters have the same high score.
Spencer: 17 (13 players)
Kennedy: 14 (11 players, incl. Hollywood)
Cameron: 12 (9 players)
Sean: 11 (9 players)
Evan: 10 (8 players)
Shelby: 10 (9 players)
Brian: 9 (7 players)
Oliver: 8 (6 players)
Doak: 7 (7 players)
Coleman: 7 (7 players)
Corey: 6 (5 players, slacker)
Good effort, y’all.
