Yes, this is what I feel after barely scoring 100 points and coming in last place in the melee. And I believe in paying it forward, which is a concept from a movie about how the more good someone does for the world, the sooner you should stab and kill him so that he can become a martyr for a cause.
So here I reached for every one of my draft picks, letting value trickle down to the rest of you, and how do you repay me? A conspiracy where you all outscore me. I see how it is. So now I get some payback. Even if your team was amazing last week, you too have cause for fear, doubt, and shame. Here we go, starting with the best of us.
(he's technically the worst of us, but he scored the most points)
Fear: Travis Etienne is a backup RB for one of the league’s pass-heaviest offenses, and he won’t always average 10 yards per touch like he did on Sunday (the league’s best RB usually averages about six).
Doubt: You’re not getting 67 combined points from your WR trio every week, and Myles Garrett might have one more 20-point game. In a week where you get more like 10-15 on average from those four players, you’re probably not getting enough from Etienne and Jacobs to compensate.
Shame: Russell Wilson is straight-up embarrassing. His social media is embarrassing, his deep ball is embarrassing, his attempts at scrambling were embarrassing, and this: the Broncos trailed by one point with about 3:30 left in the game when their final drive started. They bled clock on their way to midfield and then with one full minute left and all three timeouts, they bled 40 seconds and kicked a 64-yard FG (which allegedly McManus had a 4.5% chance of making) instead of attempting a 4th & 5 (which they had a 45% chance of converting).
Shelby
Fear: George Kittle stays hurt for too long and then plays hurt for a team that doesn’t pass enough.
Doubt: In a game made for passing volume, Kyler Murray didn’t score a TD until the 4th quarter, and his second TD was against the Chiefs’ backups. There are plenty of excuses to lean on: Rondale and Hopkins out, Hollywood missing most of camp, Ertz playing hurt… but even at full-strength, the Cards’ offense is full of flawed players.
Shame: You spent too much for a backup QB, and now he’s gone. It doesn’t super matter since Kirk Cousins was still available, but the point is more that there is always a backup QB available.
Evan
Doubt: No more volume for Hunter Renfrow? Volume but no yardage for the Sun God? Chris Godwin misses a month, and George Pickens just collects dust on your keeper pedestal?
Shame: on all of us for letting Khalil Mack fall so far in the draft. He is going to put up Watt numbers this season, and frankly we all should have seen this coming.
Coleman
Fear: Alvin Kamara and Mark Ingram are splitting snaps, and they’re both washed.
Doubt: Justin Tucker isn’t as safe as you think he is, and you should trade him to me. You an have Butker, who already got his injury out of the way so he’ll be good to go for longer than Tucker will and you just gotta get ahead of things like this.
Shame: There’s nothing like drafting a bench full of rookies and then watching as half of them don’t even play in Week 1. What is this? How many of you assholes have secret plans to win the league and convert it to dynasty?
Corey
Fear: Joe Burrow isn’t as good as we thought he was; Tua is exactly as good as we thought he was. So you drafted two QBs and are somehow getting the least out of the position.
Doubt: Antonio Gibson and Javonte Williams had their career-highs in targets on Sunday. Gibson had eight, up from his career average of three per game. Williams had 12, up from his average of 3.5.
Shame: No Gators on the entire team? You’ve got plenty of Bama, plenty of SEC in general, but no UF. Maybe you contact someone with some Gators to spare. Maybe you cut a deal for Kadarius Toney before he breaks out.
Oliver
Fear: Allen Robinson and Keenan Allen are washed.
Doubt: Travis Kelce should be washed any day now. Any day.
Shame: You started a QB with no decent receivers and no offensive line, and all you had to do to start a decent QB was drop Kenny Golladay. Also, shame on me for ranking your 12th. I need to show more respect to IDPs.
Max
Fear: Breece Hall is the Jets’ backup RB, and the Jets will never lead in a game this season. Hall will get a handful of carries in the first half and a handful of checkdowns in the second, getting you a consistent seven points every game this season.
Doubt: Jonathan Taylor can’t handle 30 carries per game all year, and Kareem Hunt can’t score two TDs per game.
Shame: You let Oliver walk all over you on Monday night when it was fully in your power to take the field and protect Geno Smith from Bradley Chubb.
Kennedy
Fear: Mahomes had the best game he’ll have all year, and you were 20 points short of sixth place in the melee. Your WRs are bad, you lost Eli Mitchell, and Fournette is already going to start playing hurt.
Doubt: Brian Robinson was only rumored to be Washington’s starter. If Antonio Gibson keeps playing well, especially if it’s on all three downs, will Robinson be anything for fantasy?
Shame: You added Zay Jones and touted him as a breakout receiver, and he outscored all of your other WRs, super cool except that he only had 10 points.
Sean
Fear: the commissioner’s jinx strikes again? After being ranked 1st in the post-draft note, you finished 9th in the melee despite having the winning points on your bench.
Doubt: Jalen Hurts had nearly as many carries (17) as he did completions (18), which works as long he doesn’t get hurt. If he gets injured and misses games, that’s fine. You can Wentz it up all day. But playing a hurt Hurts would hurt.
Shame: You benched CryptoHenry?! For Rashaad Penny?! You earned that loss, sir.
Spencer
Fear: You dropped the wrong Jet.
Doubt: Najee Harris’s foot injury is reported to be unrelated to his preseason foot injury, even though it’s the same foot. Gotta tell ya: feet aren’t big enough for one foot injury to be unrelated to another. And another thing: I learned from Sean Rodriguez informational videos during Rays games that the lower an injury is on the body, the more likely it is to lead to more injuries.
Shame: You dropped the wrong Jet.
Brian
Fear: CeeDee Lamb already wasn’t a legitimate WR1, and now he doesn’t even have a legitimate QB.
Doubt: Is Cam Akers toast? Zero points is bad. Playing in like a 20-80 split with Henderson is bad. The rumors that rookie Kyren Williams was going to have a significant role before getting hurt… yeah, bad.
Shame: Brian drafted an extra IDP. He started Isaiah Simmons, who had three points. He benched Logan Wilson, who had 10. This week, he dropped Wilson. Make it make sense.
And start Jameis Winston like you said you would!
Doak
Fear: Um, all of them, converging at once? The only fear I don’t have I’m too afraid to name in case it comes true, too.
Doubt: My team can’t be this bad every week.
Shame: I basically avoided value for the first seven rounds of our draft.
My pick versus the easy, correct pick:
Derrick Henry -- Justin Jefferson
Kyle Pitts -- Travis Kelce
Lamar Jackson -- Patrick Mahomes
DK Metcalf -- AJ Dillon
JK Dobbins -- Michael Thomas
Dameon Pierce -- Cordarrelle Patterson
In Week 1, those six players scored 150 points. My entire team—not my lineup, my team—scored less than that. And I’m not even cherry-picking the highest scorers. These are players I liked pre-draft who were ranked very close to the players I picked. So now I have to be a guy who says, “But hey, it’s a long season, and who knows what will happen,” but we know. We know.
Gotron (Oliver) vs. You’re Doing It Wrong (Shelby)
Oliver lost TJ Watt, Keenan Allen, and Jamal Adams last week. He has CMC and Saquon, who are playing each other. He needs them to take it personally, and he needs it to be a basketball game so each of them could actually just go blow for blow as opposed to having to rely on coaches calling the right plays. Oliver’s rolling with Rodgers again, and maybe he gets 10 points instead of last week’s two. Shelby should win the QB battle, lose the RB battle, win the WR battle, lose the TE battle, and absolutely crush Oliver’s IDPs.
Prediction: Shelby by 15
Coreygivemeenergy (Brian) vs. Goingback2back (Corey)
(What the fuck are these names?)
Brian is starting Jameis this week, and that’s all I need.
Prediction: Brian by 50
Denver Broncos Lite (Cam) vs. Roy (Kennedy)
The QB disparity is almost enough to call the rest blind. But Russell Wilson can be corny and annoying and still score 25 against Houston. Mahomes isn’t getting 40 again this week. Maybe soon, but not on four days’ rest. I expect almost all of Kennedy’s other players to score more points, so maybe it balances out to 140 again, or maybe he gets a little more. Cameron has too much firepower, and he’s just swinging his dick around starting Kennedy’s boy Kamu. Kennedy will feel real pain watching Ja’Marr Chase outscore Austin Ekeler this week.
Prediction: Cam by 20
C’mon Football (Spencer) vs. Krombopulous Michael (Coleman)
Spencer’s got some injury issues, but Coleman’s got some bad-player issues. Spencer has too many decisions to make with Montgomery and Henderson on the bench. Does he bench Najee with his weird foot thing? Does he bench Hollywood, who had just six targets for 40 yards in Week 1? And if all of his potential starting RBs (the other three plus Aaron Jones) are behind trash lines, does Coleman even worry about any of this? He’s got the better Packers RB, the better IDPs, and the Power of Justin. Motherfucker has three Justins, and they’re all elite.
Prediction: Coleman by 10
Tiny Rick (Evan) vs. Squanch This (Max)
It’s the only matchup where both teams looked good last week. Max kind of deserves the win. What happened to him in the melee is bullshit. Tom Brady scoring 12 points while the Bucs dominated the Cowboys was bullshit. Evan starting two dudes named Hunter in anything but lacrosse is bullshit. But Max starting the only two players whose names I’ve replaced with Some Trash Asshole make me question whether he really knows what it takes to win in Mortydome. Sometimes you’re matched up with one team, sometimes the whole league, sometimes just karma. Even so…
Prediction: Max by 15
Derrick Henry 100 Years (Doak) vs. In-N-Out 20min. Adventure (Sean)
Damn. We’re both coming off bad weeks, and Sean has better players than I do. He’s due. I’m doomed. I’m writing this during Thursday Night Football. Mike Williams has 20 points and it’s only the third quarter. I started Josh Palmer because I’m a masochist. I started Josh Palmer in the cash game because I’m hedging. If he doesn’t come within 5 FP of his jersey number 5, he probably (probably!) scored more than 10, which is as good as any of my non-Lamars did last week. So far he has 4 FP, so things are looking great. BUT I do expect a bounceback week from all of my non-Lamars, and I’ve been getting weird vibes that I’ll lead the league in scoring this week.
Prediction: I win the matchup
and the cash
and I GET RESPECT
