First, a total non sequitur stand-up bit:
Is a Tre’Quan one and a half times a De’Quan?
And if I wanted to make twice a De’Quan
Would I just name him Qua’Quan?
How far does this go?
What did your cousin name her baby?
…
RUN, MOTHERFUCKERS! IT’S…
DODECAQUAN!
Anyway.
The NFL Draft is being done virtually, online, via the internet… what’s the hip way to say it? I’m out of touch, you see, and I can’t be counted on to talk like the cool kids. The common joke is that the NFL Draft is now a billion-dollar buy-in fantasy draft. Yada, yada, autopick joke, okay we get it. We make our stale jokes because we lack access. But friends, prepare yourselves. I have a, uh, time machine, yeah, and I was able to… teleport, probably, to the future and inhabit the homes of all the GMs for the 2020 Draft. What follows is a transcript, a very real and in no way campy transcript of the GM’s thoughts as the picks came, or will come, in. Because I also went way into the future to get a, uh, thought reader. Reads thoughts. Super technical, not worth getting into. Anyway, here it goes.
Bengals: Why isn’t anyone calling us, asking for this pick? Are we really going to have to draft another milk-tone quarterback? Whatever happened to Akili Smith? Where my Smiths at? Oh, fuck fuck fuck, I’m going to get fired again, dammit. It’s safe to take a QB; it’s fine. Everyone says Chase Young is the best player available, but Chase Young can’t play QB. It’s confounding. How can I take a player #1 if he doesn’t play QB? I’ll be a laughing stock. The last edge rusher to get taken first overall ripped a dude’s helmet off and beat him with it. I can’t live that down. I at least want to take a brown QB, but there’s a lot of pressure to take the dude from Ohio. But Chase Young actually played college ball in Ohio. It’s more relevant even! Why does this shit always happen to me?
WITH THE FIRST PICK IN THE 2020 NFL DRAFT, LIVE-STREAMED ON TWITCH, THE CINCINNATI BENGALS SELECT…
JOE BUROW, QB, LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY
Skins: Hahahahahahahahaha what a bunch of assholes!
WITH THE SECOND PICK, THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM SELECTS…
CHASE YOUNG, DE, OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY
Lions: I wish Belichick would return my calls. I’m really stumped here. The best two players are taken. What’s left? I know better than to spend a high pick on an unknown. The smart move is to trade back until we only have picks in the third round. That’s what Bill would do, probably. I want my mom, man, I want my mom. Shit. Oh thank god the phone is ringing. It’s Miami. A trade back to the fifth overall pick? That’s not the bucket of third-rounders I was hoping for, but it’s a start.
THE LIONS HAVE TRADED THE PICK TO MIAMI.
WITH THE THIRD PICK, THE MIAMI DOLPHINS SELECT…
TUA TAGOVAILOA, QB, UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Dolphins: Thanks for the Super Bowl, dipshits!
Giants: Fourth pick. What’s the swiftest way to fuck this up? I took a QB last year; that’d be too obvious. We’re gonna pay Saquon $20 million per year soon; no point going RB. Everyone says it’s a fantasy draft, right? Well what’s a more upside pick than…
WITH THE FOURTH PICK, THE NEW YORK GIANTS SELECT…
CEEDEE LAMB, WR, OKLAHOMA UNIVERSITY
Lions: Shit, now the best four players are gone. This drafting stuff is tough, whew. Hmm, what’s the move here? We talked to Herbert. He’s tall. Every other pick seems to be a quarterback, so…
WITH THE FIFTH PICK, THE DETROIT LIONS SELECT…
JUSTIN HERBERT, QB, UNIVERSITY OF OREGON
Lions: I’ve made a huge mistake.
Chargers: Did I click the wrong invite? What the hell is this? I have to say, I am genuinely torn now. Our top two picks were supposed to be gone by now, yet here there both are. How do I choose between Isaiah Simmons and Jeff Okudah? Okudah is a shutdown corner, and while we have a great secondary (maybe the best), we have aging studs in Hayward and Harris, and Desmond King’s contract is about up. Okudah would be a cheap option, someone we can build up during the offseason, and we can afford to be patient. We can keep it going this season and see what happens. The best defense in the league has a long history of being a Super Bowl contender. But then there’s Simmons. He’s the versatile compliment to Derwin. While Derwin can play safety and corner, Simmons can play safety and linebacker. I guess technically Derwin could also play linebacker if we wanted him, too. Okudah is better outside than Simmons could ever be at either LB or safety. The risk isn’t worth it.
WITH THE SIXTH PICK, THE LOS ANGELES CHARGERS SELECT…
JEFF OKUDAH, CB, OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY
Panthers: Well, we just committed mad money to our offense. Meanwhile we have about three reliable pieces on defense. I legitimately don’t know our defensive coordinator’s name. I can think of worse things than a faceless nothing being upset that I didn’t take a versatile superstar like Isaiah Simmons. What we really need is a fourth WR so we can run the Baylor offense like it’s intended.
WITH THE SEVENTH PICK, THE CAROLINA PANTHERS SELECT…
JERRY JEUDY, WR, UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Cardinals: DeAndre Hopkins, holy shit, I asked for him and he gave him to me, and now I’m the GM who traded for DeAndre Hopkins. I signed Kingsbury and drafted Kyler and I fucking stole Kenyan Drake from Miami and now Hopkins, holy shit, I am the GOAT I am the goddamn GOAT, and no amount of Red Bull is too much Red Bull for this moment, you twerps, you so-called “executives” in your basements, afraid the IT guy will either give you a disease or steal your draft plans, fucking fools, scoundrels, pieces of shit, fear me for I am the element from which all other elements were born, and at the snap of my fingers, I will take your man, girl, I will snatch him and drain his bank account and you will pay me to get him back, bitch, I am the rock god of the NF—oh, shit, I only have three sec—
WITH THE EIGHTH PICK, THE ARIZONA CARDINALS SELECT…
ISAIAH SIMMONS, LB, CLEMSON UNIVERSITY
Cardinals: BOW DOWN, BITCHES! ACING THIS DRAFT IN MY SLEEP!
Jaguars: Do the other teams know I’m tanking?
WITH THE NINTH PICK, THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS SELECT…
DERRICK BROWN, DT, AUBURN UNIVERSITY
Jaguars: Oh god, is it too obvious?
Browns: Drinking before noon, again, Harold, dammit, get your shit together. One day I’ll get it together. No, you know what, fuck that. She needs to get her shit together. I didn’t even want kids. She… you know, she never treated me like she loved me. She saw the fast track, the easy money. She finished college with a degree in Human Studies, what the fuck even is that? An MRS degree, that’s what the fuck that is. God, I can’t believe I didn’t sign the pre-nup. Was I drinking the much back then? I can’t remember anything. I literally can’t remember anything. I got my kid’s names tattooed on my chest, memorized ‘em basically by osmosis. Jesus, I can’t go through a divorce right now. I can’t even get away. I’m trapped. I might be trapped like this… forever? How long do vaccines takes? Fauci says we should never shake hands again, meanwhile Trump’s reopening America. I don’t know what that means literally, but I know that if people all go back to work right now, we’re gonna have some Mad Max shit on our hands. Fucking Bartertown. Archers of Loafcrosse. Jesus, I remember I was a teenager when that came out. Mel Gibson was such a stud. That doesn’t make me gay, does it?
THE CLEVELAND BROWNS HAVE FORFEITED THEIR PICK.
THE NEW YORK JETS ARE ON THE CLOCK.
Jets: Hm. I wonder if the Browns stole our idea of bringing Vegas to us. It’s damn difficult to concentrate while also making sure the hookers aren’t cutting their lines too fat. God knows nobody local has capacity to treat an OD right now. Fuck. Might as well get this pick over with.
WITH THE TENTH PICK, THE NEW YORK JETS SELECT…
(“any of the left tackles” isn’t a legitimate pick. You actually have to write a name.)
Jets: (sigh) FINE.
WITH THE TENTH PICK, THE NEW YORK JETS SELECT…
JEDRICK WILLS, T, UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Raiders: Jon keeps sending me coded texts to prevent cybertheft of our draft plans, and I have no idea what they mean. What the hell is “SARS-Cov-2?” Am I supposed to draft a Cover 2 strong safety. Is Jon expecting to root out which of these college kids is the next John Lynch and then draft him at 12 overall? Jesus, another text: “Redline X12 Xylophone.” I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, JON! But I know we need a speed receiver.
WITH THE ELEVENTH PICK, THE LAS VEGAS RAIDERS SELECT…
HENRY RUGGS, WR, UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Jon Gruden: Way to go, Mike! THAT’S EXECUTION, BABAYYYY!!!!
49ers: On the surface, we need a left tackle. Staley is getting old and could retire any time. It’s a lot to spend for a backup tackle. With three of the top four tackles, left, we might even entertain an offer to move back a few spots. Hell, there are two tackles past that that would be starters if given a year in the pros to refine their technique and build their bodies up a little more. We could trade this pick and restock the cupboard with the bounty. But, you know, we traded Buckner to get the pick, and we had a specific player in mind when we did it, and we’re going to follow through with our initial plan.
WITH THE TWELFTH PICK, THE SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS SELECT…
JAVON KINLAW, DT, SOUTH CAROLINA
Bucs: I am a smart GM. I am going to make the best decision for my team. In no way is this just an editorialized, idealized version of the actual thoughts of the Bucs GM. It’s really him—I mean, me, you guys.
WITH THE THIRTEENTH PICK, THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS SELECT…
MEKHI BECTON, T, UNIVERSITY OF LOUISVILLE
Broncos: Elway kicked me out of my own house. Said he couldn’t risk our health. “The time and all.” Those were his exact words. Luckily, the winter’s over, I guess, but I really don’t where to go for a whole weekend. I’m afraid to go to a hotel with the way things are. I’m afraid if I spend the day outside, I might get picked up by the police. I really don’t want to embarrass Elway.
John Elway: They keep telling me you can’t have a team of all quarterbacks, and I don’t get it, but I respect it. I think I have my quarterback, love me some Lock, so maybe I’ll do the prudent thing and protect him like they never protected me. I remember it like it was yesterday, Al Michaels on the call: “Elway drops back, the pocket breaking down around him. He stands tall, maybe the tallest ever, and he thr—no, it’s a fake! Elway pump fakes the whole D-line out of their cleats and runs for it. Elway is trying to run the whole 99 yards, sideline to sideline every five yards as he does it. He leaps, gets spun around like a Blackhawk but lands on his feet and somersaults OVER THE ENTIRE SECONDARY. The linebackers have already hit the showers. They’ve given up. Elway to the 20, the 10, Elway laterals the ball TO ELWAY. Elways leaps again, Elways is over the goal line and he keeps on floating. He’s out of the stadium; he’s out of the stratosphere! From the field, Elway appears to have seen a comet racing toward Mile High Stadium, and Elway is in orbit, redirecting the comet for… oh my god, it’s going straight for the Cleveland Browns’ endzone. Elway not only scores the touchdown; he destroys the endzone so the Browns can’t possibly score again! Elway has just done the unthinkable! Elway has won every Super Bowl from now until the end of time! God bless John Elway!”
WITH THE FOURTEENTH PICK, THE DENVER BRONCOS SELECT…
JOHN EL—
(John, you can’t pick yourself. You’re not even eligible.)
Elway: (sigh) FINE. Okay, realistically, if I can’t have a QB, I can have a “QB of the defense.”
WITH THE FOURTEENTH PICK, THE DENVER BRONCOS SELECT…
PATRICK QUEEN, LB, LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY
Browns: Oh no, oh god no. The draft is today. It started over an hour ago, oh god no. Oh god oh god oh god no please be the wrong day. Shit shit shit. It’s today. It started. Please tell me I didn’t miss our pick. I missed it, but I didn’t miss it by much OH THANK THE LORD. I guess God doesn’t hate Cleveland, haters!
WITH THE FIFTEENTH PICK, THE CLEVELAND BROWNS SELECT…
TRISTAN WIRFS, T, UNIVERSITA OF IOWA
Browns: HELL. YES.
Falcons: We’re in a pinch, for sure. We’ve got to be analytical here. We have an aging QB, and aging #1 receiver, and our starting RB has knees older than either of them. We are going to spend some money keeping our defensive core together, that’s Grady, Deion, and Keanu. We’ve got some talent around them, but we need more. I feel pretty set on offense, considering next season will probably be the year we draft a QB anyway, and we’ll get a nice rookie WR to go with him. They can come up together, build chemistry as valuable as proven talent. For now, it’s defense, getting a replacement for Trufant sounds right.
WITH THE SIXTEENTH PICK, THE ATLANTA FALCONS SELECT…
CJ HENDERSRSON, CB, UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA
Cowboys: This America Online draft is bullshit. We take a guy now, and what, we see him in September? Now, let’s be smart about this now. Let’s think of what position, of what guy, we can take here and expect him to be a cornerstone of the franchise without basically any in-person prep. Hell, we got Dak throwing fucking quarantine parties. We’re gonna pay him, I know. But do we have to? I mean, with the pieces we have assembled around him, he should be thrilled to play here, and he’s balking at $35 million per? No sir, uh uh. Let’s cut his ass loose. Let’s upset the natural order. To hell with it.
WITH THE SEVENTEENTH PICK, THE DALLAS COWBOYS SELECT…
JALEN HURTS, QB, OKLAHOMA UNIVERSITY
Cowboys: Heh heh. Get bent, Prescott.
Lions (via Dolphins): Best seventeen players gone now, damn. They always take the guys I want before I get a chance. Let’s see what other positions are there besides QB? What the hell is an edge rusher? Is that new? NFL.com says this guy is the best player available. No better source of information than the source itself… I always say.
WITH THE EIGHTEENTH PICK, THE DETROIT LIONS SELECT…
K’LAVON CHAISSON, EDGE, LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY
Raiders: Dammit, Jon, I don’t know what “Exorcism Phi Apartheid” means. Is it a coded way of saying the locker room will be divided now that we have two capable QBs? I’m supposed to draft some sort of unifying force, someone everyone will cling to as the future… Wait, wait, wait, I think I get it. What conquers all, huh? Jon, you son of a bitch.
WITH THE NINETEENTH PICK, THE LAS VEGAS RAIDERS SELECT…
JORDAN LOVE, QB, UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY
Jon Gruden: No, goddammit! It was autocorrect! I was using the microphone button drinking a cool Corona, on sale everywhere! I was saying, “add some solid depth inside!” This whole thing’s gone to shit now, Mike! Shit!
Jaguars: On the clock again. Wow, this was really not the year to have two good picks. I mean, as long as we have a bad secondary, the tank is strong. We’re going to end up trading Ngakoue for nothing since no one can afford to pay $20 mil for an edge rusher. Maybe we take an edge rusher. Fournette is out the door next year, maybe we splash now and take the top RB. None of it matters if I can’t keep my job. That’s what’s important. That’s what’s driving this pick.
WITH THE TWENTIETH PICK, THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS SELECT…
JAYLON JOHNSON, CB, UNIVERSITY OF UTAH
Jaguars: This is purgatory. This is just where we live as a franchise.
Eagles: Nothing flashy here, gentleman. I’m just going to do what’s best for the franchise. With Andrew Thomas on the board, I’ve called up every team looking for a tackle, and I’ve compared the offers and even though the value is there, we’re in a position to go back to the Super Bowl, and we need to bring in guys who can help us do that and help build a foundation for the future.
WITH THE TWENTY-FIRST PICK, THE PHILADEPLHIA EAGLES SELECT…
ANTOINE WINFIELD JR., S, UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA
Vikings: SON OF A BITCH!
Eagles: This is our new strategy. Get in our competitor’s heads at the draft. A little corruption now goes a long way.
Vikings: It’s fine. I’m fine. The plan was to draft two sons of former NFL players, kind of adapt that Golden State model, not in terms of style of play but in locker room leadership. Dudes that have been the before. AND THEY BOTH FILLED POSITIONS OF NEED IT WAS FUCKING PERFECT. It’s fine. I’m chill. I’m chilly chill. We’ve got this pick and another one three picks later. Let’s just make the other pick we intended and pivot. No big deal.
WITH THE TWENTY-SECOND PICK, THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS SELECT…
MICHAEL PITTMAN JR, WR, UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
Vikings: Feels like an overpay. Feels a little salty. It’s fine. I’m good.
(Full disclosure: I tried the mind-reader on Belichick, but all I got was interference.)
THE PATRIOTS HAVE TRADED THE PICK TO THE CHARGERS.
Chargers: We have the league’s best defense. All we need is to protect the ball. The best way to protect the ball is to protect the backfield.
WITH THE TWENTY-THIRD PICK, THE LOS ANGELES CHARGERS SELECT…
ANDREW THOMAS, T, UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA
Saints: We accidentally admitted this was Brees’s last year. People don’t believe us, but we really do see Taysom as our QB, at least for a few years. While it’s tempting to take Eason or Fromm here, there’s just no need. We’ll make a more definitive call on Taysom this year. At the end of the day, we can get Andy Dalton for basically nothing next summer. As far as this pick, well, I think we need to be honest to ourselves and say we’re going to need to restock the cupboard on defense, get someone who can rotate now and maybe start when we lose someone over money next summer.
WITH THE TWENTY-FOURTH PICK, THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS SELECT…
A.J. EPENESA, DE, UNIVERSITY OF IOWA
Vikings: I’ve done some deep breathing and regrouped. I feel good about this pick.
WITH THE TWENTY-FIFTH PICK, THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS SELECT…
JEFF GLADNEY, CB, TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY
Dolphins: I’m pretty sure we screwed this up. Is there some NFL Draft equivalent of declaring a mistrial? This is not good. We have the franchise QB, but we have basically no offensive line. But our offensive line is objectively better than it was at this time last year, and we won five games. The plan isn’t to roll Tua out right away anyway. I know people will think we’re tanking again, but they thought we were tanking last year, and we won five games. We’re low-key good with Fitzpatrick. If the line can’t hold up, we’re keeping him in there. If the line is playing well and we’re winning, we’re keeping him in there. The only way Tua plays is if the offense looks good despite Fitzpatrick. Ugh. Whatever.
WITH THE TWENTY-SIXTH PICK, THE MIAMI DOLPHINS SELECT…
AUSTIN JACKSON, T, UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
Seahawks: Being reflective here, the last time we hit on a first-rounder was 2012. Every time we’ve hit, it’s been a top-15 pick. It’s just not our spot. Bill O’Brien needs a WR. Let’s shake that tree again.
THE SEAHAWKS HAVE TRADED THE PICK TO HOUSTON.
WITH THE TWENTY-SEVENTH-PICK, THE HOUSTON TEXANS SELECT…
DENZEL MIMS, WR, BAYLOR UNIVERSITY
Bill O’Brien: TEXAS FOREVER!!!
Ravens: Yep. (clicks draft button; resumes [i]Ozark[/i])
WITH THE TWENTY-EIGHTH PICK, THE BALTIMORE RAVENS SELECT…
CHASE CLAYPOOL, WR, NOTRE DAME
Titans: Hmm. We got a decent deal with Tannehill as it compares to the QB market, but it’s still over 10% of the cap, more like 15% in the next two years. We’re paying Henry $12 million on the tag, and that’s if he plays on the tag. McCaffrey just got 4 years/$64M, and if we pay Henry that, we’re tying up close to $45M on just QB and RB. We could get around that by taking the top RB right now. Or we could take the top TE right now. We’re a defense-first team. Our secondary and line need work. A lot of options to consider. It’s actually a sexy spot to trade down, but all the first-round QBs are gone, and the Hawks already tapped B.O.B. Lotta good WRs still available. Hmm.
WITH THE TWENTY-NINTH PICK, THE TENNESSEE TITANS SELECT…
JALEN REAGOR, WR, TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY
Packers: Kinda boring when you get to the end of the first round and it’s all smart teams picking against each other. Not a lot of rooms for fireworks. I know people think we’re going to take a QB and start transitioning away from Aaron, but the truth is we still want to build around Aaron. We want him to be worth all that money.
WITH THE THIRTIETH PICK, THE GREEN BAY PACKERS SELECT…
JUSTIN JEFFERSON, WR, LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY
49ers: Can we just take the guy the Chiefs most likely want, or is that a dick move? Let’s not get cute. Probably best to get a legit starter at right guard, maybe Simpson out of Clemson. Ehhhh… Staley’s getting old, and we want to be ready when he decides to hang ‘em up. Better go tackle.
WITH THE THIRTY-FIRST PICK, THE SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS SELECT…
JOSH JONES, T, UNIVERSITY OF HOUSTON
Chiefs: I don’t care how bad our defense is. Protecting Mahomes is literally the only thing that matters.
WITH THE THIRTY-SECOND PICK, THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS SELECT…
JOHN SIMPSON, G, CLEMSON UNIVERSITY
49ers: Every. Goddamn. Time.
Thanks for indulging me. I enjoyed it, even if it kind of dudded out at the end. I think I got caught up in trying to make picks that would actually help teams, instead of just letting the wheels come off and have them all start making out with each other. I hope I’ve done something that most draft-enthusiasts don’t do, and I hope I’ve somehow also made a decent effort at guessing what will actually happen. I’m driving to come to some sort of completed arc here, but it doesn’t seem to be as automatic as usual. Maybe some things you just let go.
