Here are our Week 5 Standings from last season (eventual playoff teams in bold):
5-0 Brian
4-1 Cam
4-1 Corey
4-1 Shelby
3-2 Tim
2-3 Sean
2-3 Doak
2-3 Evan
1-4 Kennedy
1-4 Oliver
1-4 Coleman
1-4 Spe
Don’t get too excited about what the standings suggest about our relative playoff chances. Shelby didn’t collapse on her way to missing the playoffs anymore than Kennedy became a rocket ship on his way in. Here are last year’s final standings:
11-2 Cam
10-3 Brian
7-6 Corey
7-6 Tim
6-7 Kennedy
6-7 Sean
6-7 Shelby
6-7 Evan
6-7 Doak
5-8 Spencer
4-9 Coleman
4-9 Oliver
I don’t remember exactly how that five-way tie got broken, but I remember it was a tumbler-click away from breaking in a different direction altogether. In the end, they didn’t compete with the top four anyway.
Here are our current standings:
4-1 Brian
4-1 Evan
4-1 Corey
3-2 Doak
3-2 Shelby
3-2 Tim
3-2 Cam
2-3 Coleman
1-4 Spencer
1-4 Kennedy
1-4 Oliver
1-4 Sean
Again, we have three 4-1 teams and four 1-4 teams, but in general our standings are closer to the way we ended last year than the way we started it. I believe this is meaningful. I believe we are a more competitive league now than we’ve ever been. 4-9 is the best that last place has ever been. This year, I look over the rosters (trolling for trades, obviously), and I don’t see a lot of inefficiency. Sean needs WRs, fine, and Kennedy has too many, sure, and Shelby has two kickers but let’s not get bogged down in exceptions. We are fielding good teams, and I’m into it.
At this time last season, Cameron was pacing the league in scoring by at least ten points per game, and Brian started the year on (I think) an eight-game winning streak en route to his 10-3 finish. Here are the per-game scoring standings for this season:
168 Coleman 162 Brian 158 Doak 154 Evan, Spe, Tim 150 Corey 149 Shelby 148 Kennedy 140 Cam 127 Oliver 116 Sean
We know, of course, that scoring doesn’t guarantee wins, but it’s not shocking that Oliver and Sean are at the bottom of both lists. Oliver’s plight is somewhat justified: he lost Tevin Coleman in Week 1 and Drew Brees in Week 2, each of them going down before the game even really got going. While they would’ve needed huge days to get him victories in either of those weeks, they would only have needed to be competent to get him wins in Weeks 3 and 4. Yes, if not for bad luck, Oliver could easily be sitting exactly where Cam is in the standings. Coleman has 14 more ppg than Spe and Spe has 14 more ppg than Cam, yet Cam has one more win than Coleman and Coleman has one more win than Spe. It’s not a prefect palindrome, but it’s suggestive of an impending change in fortune. Spencer has to be incensed looking at the standings and then looking at the scoring. I mean, obviously he’s lived through the pain in real time and isn’t surprised, but it has to shake your confidence when you can score but not win.
Which brings us to our Bucs check-in.
The offensive line is bad again, and when the defense loses it’s best defensive back about a quarter into the game, we can’t really use our above-average rushing to mask our shitty pass-protection. So what happens is Mike Evans runs deep routes and gets open enough, only Jameis doesn’t have time to throw to him. But let’s not, you know, alter the gameplan to get our best offensive player more involved, no let’s take what the defense gives us even when it isn’t enough. Okay, too salty, fine. A zero from an elite WR will do that to you, especially one from your home team, especially when you also own an elite WR in the same game playing against your home team and leading all WRs in scoring but wait not ALL WRs because the actual top WR is on the fantasy team paying against your fantasy team, and he’s only on that team because a team that needs WRs dropped him mid-week for GERONIMO FUCKING ALLISON.
But so the Bucs are fine. It was an embarrassing loss, and we go into our next game down two offensive linemen, but hey, at least they’re on the same side of the line, right? We can just run left all game; no one should notice.
Jameis tried to throw the ball to the other team a couple times, but it didn’t work out that way. He got sacked a lot, but that’s play-design and a lesson learned for our green OC. Knowing the OL is a major weakness, and playing against a Panthers defense this week whose strength is in their front-seven, we will hopefully adjust the gameplan to get the ball out quicker or use play-action more effectively. I don’t know. At a certain point, I stopped watching closely. I know we lost by seven, but technically we lost by a million because we didn’t have time to lose by less than seven at the point we cut it to seven. One-score games are a flawed statistic because of how often defenses essentially allow a game to get down to one score by playing loose and letting the clock run enough to make a second score impossible.
The Bucs defense is still good, and I’m happy to see Evan playing them with confidence this week. Devin White and Jamel Dean return this week, and JPP is set to return in about a month. It is frustrating that we let Teddy Bridgewater light us up, but by the end of the season, it will seem like an anomaly. The Saints, even with Bridgewater, are the class of the NFC, probably the best team, so it’s not terrible to lose to them, especially without our top corner and with a lot of things we would do differently next time.
It was our worst defensive game of the year, and it came on the heels of maybe the most exciting game we’ve played all decade. It was our worst offensive game in terms of yardage, but it was also the second game this year where we haven’t turned the ball over (both times against division foes!). Really, without the complete breakdown in coverage on the Ted Ginn TD, this was anybody’s game. When you look at the stats, it doesn’t feel that way, but the ugliest stats came after the Saints went up 14 and started dominating time of possession, which they were only able to do because the Bucs went three-and-out in their last three possession before the garbage time touchdown drive.
I can’t think about it anymore. It wasn’t a good game overall, but good things happened. It is the third loss, and all of our losses have been tough to stomach.
Let’s recap the real action, starting with all the bullshit.
I already mentioned Will Fuller, and I don’t really sweat it that much since the only way I could have beat Brian was by trading him Evans for Fuller before the games started. He walloped me. It was freedom because I didn’t have to care afterward. Sure, I sort of cared anyway, but not from a desperate place like.
I can imagine Coleman didn’t feel this way. Greasy Legs and McCafe were fantasy scorers 1 and 2 this week. They combined for like 110 points, which was enough to beat Sean or Evan’s entire team. There are a lot of ways we can cut this where Coleman does one thing differently and wins. There was no reason to play the Rams defense against Seattle; they just allowed 55 points. Maybe it seems like they were poised for a bounce-back, and I guess technically they were because they allowed 25 fewer points on their way to scoring in the negatives. But let’s not dwell on what could have been, but shit how can we not when there’s just no way you get that kind of output from either of those guys, much less both. Did Coleman’s season just end? What is there to hope for when you so clearly peak in Week 5? I mean, I know you lead the league in scoring and have a bunch of good players, so maybe that’s enough to press on. I’d be bummed, especially since you move to an unconscionable 1-7 against your brother, whose week-winning Lineup was captained by Matt Ryan and Josh Jacobs. The real tragedy here is that Allen Robinson is your best receiver, had the best matchup, and ended up scoring enough to win you the week no matter who you swapped him in for. But hey, no dwelling!
I feel bad for Spencer, who eclipsed 150 again en route to a loss. It’s already the third time that’s happened this season. The only saving grace is that you’ve consistently lost by a lot when this happens, so it’s… not your fault? I started that sentence without an end in mind. I’m sorry this is happening. It brings me to another point: the Patriots defense is just an incredible add by Tim, especially since we all had the chance. The Pats have 147 FP in five weeks. The second-best DST is the 49ers, who have 75 FP in four weeks. So even if you had the second-best DST, you still only got half the points each week, and you hit a bye week while the Pats were dropping another 30. I looked at my schedule to see when I played Tim, hoping the answer would be whenever the Pats bye week is, or at least when they play a good team. One problem: the Pats don’t play good teams, which is maybe most of the reason they’re so deadly. But no, so I play Tim next week when the Pats play the fucking Jets. Granted, it’s Sam Darnold’s Jets, and Adam Gase weirdly owns Bill Belichick when he’s not starting Luke Falk… okay, he’s 3-5, but one of those wins was an AFC Championship game, and when you only look at the last two seasons, Gase is 2-2 versus Belichick, so… yeah.
Totally worthless nugget: the Pats bye week is Week 10, which is high comedy because it’s the week Corey—who’s riding Brady, Michel, and Edelman—plays Tim, who’s obviously way better with the Pats D than he would be with even the second-best DST. It could be the worst game of the year for both of them, and Tim’s last game without the Pats D, he dropped a league-low 88.
Speaking of the Patriots, it was a pleasure to see them have a hand in Cam’s defeat. Brady, Michel, and Edelman each topped twenty points, and the trio combined for 72. Dak and Zeke posted 55 combined, but Cam needed Amari Cooper’s 39 to get on top of Corey’s team in Week 6. (It’s not a bad move, Cam. Look into it. Odell Beckham, Joey Bosa, and Harrison Smith for Amari and Jason Witten? Who says no?) It’s cool that Austin Ekeler won’t just fade away with Gordon back in action. It would have been tough to withstand just losing your best RB overnight.
Yeah, I can’t keep earnestly doing recaps. Not feeling it. In general, I’m mailing in the whole note. It’s weird because it feels narcissistic that I’m writing the note and expecting you to read it, meanwhile kind of knowing that you expect the note and thus sort of want to read it, but presumably only if it’s good, so every now and then, especially when I’m feeling kind of depressed, I’m at this impasse of like, why even do it if it’s not going to be any good? But I know the purpose in some sense is just staying engaged, which is important for depressives when they get depressed, because even though showing up and being aloof seems like it would be a detriment compared to not showing up at all, not showing up at all takes you out of your rhythm and subsequently makes it even harder to show up the next time, especially because there’s so much pressure to wow ‘em since you kinda owe double. This way, I can disappoint you but simultaneously set the bar super low, so when I (hopefully) feel better next week, even an average note looks good compared to what it might look like a week following no note at all, as opposed to this flaming carcass with the tires rolling off in every direction.
Let’s predict some Week 6 action, shall we?
But first, I want to mention that nothing has happened that has made me particularly depressed, so I don’t want anyone reaching out, checking in, or generally being concerned or reacting as if this isn’t business as usual. I don’t talk about it much, but this is just how it goes living in my body. Part of the reason I mention it at all is to explain why sometimes there just isn’t a note, and I'm trying to be better about it. I mean, occasionally I have other commitments but nothing that would preclude me from writing a couple-thousand words about a thing I think about every day. Anyway, I’m good, is all I’m saying. I’m just not firing on a cylinders, and it’s something I’ve come to expect a few times a year and definitely not a big deal. I just feel self-conscious about the note being subpar.
Also, I went and saw Joker yesterday, and ooh wee, did that movie not help my mood one bit. I mean, it was a well-made movie, beautifully shot and with a compelling performance from the incomparable Joaquin Phoenix, but fuck what a way to spend a couple hours. I won’t spoil it for those who haven’t seen it, but for those who have, you know what I’m talking about. I appreciate a supervillain origin story, and I’m thrilled to see whether this spawns a supervillain movement, but won’t all the supervillain movies kind of being about mental illness, or at least social discord? That seems a lot more taxing than transparently comparing Superman to Jesus Christ. Maybe if they mix in some Shakespeare. Oedipus Lex Luthor or something like that. But aren’t we obligated as a society to cancel Lex Luthor since he was once played by Kevin Spacey? And who’s going to remake K-Pax so I can watch it again without feeling icky?
Rickless Bastards (Kerryon) over Mortytown Locos (Ryan)
Poop Eater (Hopkins) over Kamaracans (Zeke)
Fart69 (Jameis) over Jerryboree (Breida?)
Pats Defense over Mr. Lunas (Fitzy)
Hot Garbage (Henry) over Szechuan Sauce (Mahomes)
Pats Offense over The Squanchers (Watson)
