First things first:
Through 3 Weeks:
Evans: 23 catches, 367 yards, 55 points
Brown: 24 catches, 210 yards, 34 points
Social Media Tantrums:
Evans 0
Brown 1
Second, I’m watching National Treasure, and I’m going to be done with this note by the time it’s over.
Now, we have two undefeated teams remaining. Both (Brian and Corey) are top-3 in scoring, suggesting their success is deserved. Both are top-heavy. To wit, Brian has on his bench an erstwhile suspended QB, two injured/inactive TEs, and quite possibly the two slowest receivers in football. while Corey has a suspended WR, a backup TE, and two backup RBs averaging below 4 point per game.
Meanwhile, we have two untriumphant teams. Both (Coleman and Spencer) are bottom-4 in scoring, suggesting their suckage is genuine. In Week 2, not one of Coleman’s players experienced a real-life victory. Spencer’s top pick is flat-out refusing to play, and his best player immediately becomes his worst should his top pick choose to return.
But things have been worse. Anyway, it’s clear that Coleman has the worst team right now. But he has a potential lineup of Deshaun Watson, Devonta Freeman, McCafe, Jeffery, Lockett, Cooper, and Corey Davis on the horizon. That’s probably a middling team, but it beats the shit out of what he’s gotten lately. Spencer, he has the best QB in the game, who can only get worse, and a weird, weird mix of talent around him. James Conner, Cooper Kupp, and George Kittle are going to make or break this season.
The rest of us are just swimming between the shore and the sand-bar. Sean leads the league in scoring yet has lost his last two matchups by an average of 24 points. Todd Gurley and Melvin Gordon can keep this going all season, but this team’s best WR performance was a 9.8 from Michael Crabtree in Week 1, and Crabtree’s no longer with the team. Sure, technically, Mike William’s 21 was the obvious top score, but what happens on the bench might as well not happen at all. I think a team this dependent on the Chargers is ultimately doomed.
What I’ve learned so far is the amount of points needed to win in an average matchup is about 130. If you aren’t getting up around 130, you are lucky if you win. I’ve won with 112 and 129.
All right, I guess you all deserve some kind of evaluation. It’s been enough time that you’ve more or less shown what you’re angling at, what you’re interested in. Especially those of you who’ve been so kind as to reject every trade offer I’ve sent, I have you pegged. Let’s start at the bottom.
We’ve touched on it, but now I’m going to lift up the shirt and get a good feel. The plan here was Watson, Freeman, McCafe, Jeffery, and Delanie, and with quality production from Wagner, Bosa, and Landon Collins, not to mention another top-5 season from Gostkowksi, this was going to be a contender. Guys like Burkhead, Lockett, and Corey Davis were luxuries! Now, last-pick Lockett is the start of this team, Coleman’s already lost half as many games as he can afford, and it’s not looking likely he’ll turn it around this week without McCafe. Coleman is starting not one but two backup RBs this week (though I imagine he’ll scoop and start Alfred Morris tomorrow). Long-term prognosis: it’ll take a minimum seven wins in eleven weeks to get this team to the postseason. I’m assuming a loss this week, which takes the number of weeks down to ten. The Freeman-McCafe combo will hopefully start nine of those, one without Watson, and another without Cooper and Watson. If Coleman can win every game his ideal lineup is set, he can sneak into the postseason and potentially face me for our third annual fifth-place game.
Relevant advice: there’s no invisible map on the back of the Declaration of Independence.
Bad breaks. Two weeks in a row, Pat Mahomes delivered for you, and you lost by single digits with the winning players on your bench. What can you do? You’ve posted a semi-respectable amount of points the last two weeks, but your LeSean McCoy pick is coming back to bite you. You have enough firepower in Mahomes, Conner, Kupp, Landry, and Watkins to get it done if you have the right pieces around them, and right now, I think you’re hurting from a lack of creativity on defense and special teams. Playing the Cardinals this week is cute. They will probably get some sacks, maybe a pick, but the Seahawks are surprisingly not terrible. The IDP choices are where you’re really killing yourself. JPP just had a two-sack game. Is he really going to have another one right away? And Jordan Poyer is a zone safety who wasn’t even good when the Vikings threw all game long. Kicker-wise, I don’t even need to say anything (mostly because kickers aren’t people). Also, I find your DeVante Parker stash to be completely ridiculous.
Relevant advice: If there’s something wrong, those who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action.
Relevant advice: If we all cooperate, we’ll get through this with as little frustration as possible.
Cheer up, Sleepy G. It’s a unique situation: you have a lot of seemingly good players playing poorly. You can’t trade them because their value is too low, so you have to keep them and hope they turn it around. Meanwhile, if they don’t, their value continues to drop, and you continue to lose time. So what do you do? In the words of Morty, “He keeps saying we can run, but we can’t hide. I say we just try hiding.” Bury your head in the sand, Sleepy G. Keep starting those theoretical studs and reassess after two weeks. I would potentially be looking for a new TE, but then again, every expert seems to agree that Trey Burton is going to carve up the Bucs today. From what else I’ve read, the most promising TE on our waiver wire is rookie Dallas Goedert. The rest of the team looks sharp, except for the Pats defense. Get yourself a real defense! The Pats won’t be good for another six weeks.
Relevant advice: Must have taken you a long time to hunt down all that history.
Considering two games missed by your top pick, this isn’t terrible. Big Ben is in the top five, and you’ve got three WRs worth starting every week. Fournette returns this week, and you get Thompson off bye next week, setting you up for a good run between now and November. You’re not hot like you were last season, but you’re squarely in the hunt. You have the right IDPs, the right kicker, so you’ll have to stream defenses wisely to edge out some close ones. As always, I’m impressed. With everything except Marcus Murphy. I know RB seems thin now, but having Fournette, Jones, and Thompson is going to be enough.
Relevant advice: You know it’s just by sheer happenstance that his grandfather even found them.
Stop naming your team after what you think is happening. It’s just not happening. Again, you’re subsisting off of the Chargers, a cursed franchise. You have no WRs. However, you have enough from RBs and IDPs and zombie Dan Bailey that you’ll probably squeak out the seven or eight wins you need to get into the playoffs. There’s enough firepower here. Then again, you’ve already lost twice despite posting big numbers. You haven’t had your bust week yet, and it’s coming. My guess is Week 6 is the first, when the Browns shut down the Chargers, and then again in Week 8 when your Chargers are on bye. You hinged your hopes to the wrong LA team. You could have had all the Rams!
Relevant advice: The legend was invented to keep the British occupied searching for buried treasure. The treasure was a myth.
That’s technically my team name, remember. I’m here to troll and nothing else. My two wins were obvious flukes, and I don’t expect to make the playoffs. I fucked my draft strategy hard when I tried to make Jameis the number one pick. But contrary to what you think, I’m not giving up. I’m merely taking the opportunity to experiment and take chances. By playing it safe, I’ve finished in fifth place twice. This year, I’m much more interested in the extremes. Now, I’ll probably end up with the fifth pick instead of fifth place, but dammit, I’ll have tried! For anyone interested, my entire team is available for trade except for Mike Evans. That doesn’t mean I’m selling. I believe in the players I’ve kept. I don’t believe I have the stud to take me to the championship, but I do believe I have enough luck on my side that anything good can happen if I just do what I feel is right.
Relevant advice: Here’s to the men who did something wrong in order to do what they knew was right.
The wheels are about to fall off of this one. The Fitzmagic is nearly gone, and the Wentz Wagon has become a pumpkin. Philip Lindsay is no prince. The only real things you have are Hopkins, Robinson, Kelce, and your IDPs. Your double-LA defense strategy was… dumb. Your double-RB strategy was ill-conceived, but you might be okay with Lewis and Jones in the long run. The schedule is not friendly to Derrick Henry, and Peyton Barber will be a backup after the bye. Try to find some value for them while you still can. Evan always makes the playoffs, and at 2-1, he is on pace to return. But I don’t know. I just don’t know what kind of year it is.
Relevant advice: Benjamin Franklin invented something like these.
More like Jimmy G String ligaments, AM I RIGHT?!!?!
This team is still the favorite. But the IDPs are garbage. You have all the right pieces otherwise, especially since injuries turned your Pats RBs into something. Can you cut Brandon Marshall already? If it were going to happen, it would have happened! While I don’t think Tyreek Hill is sustainable, he obviously has been for years, so it’s moot. And OBJ and Brown should rise up the leaderboard. I’m picking Cam to win the championship this year, and we all know how well my jinxes work.
Relevant advice: That’s all you’ll ever find is another clue.
There’s plenty not to like about a team that, until recently, held three QBs and two TEs. But has she needed anything in the meantime. I mean, sure she lost last week, but had Ajayi played, she’d probably have won. Shelby surged last season with the help of Todd Gurley. David Johnson is no Todd Gurley. However, this team is buoyed not by offense but by defense and special teams. Myles Garrett is turning out to be the best DL in fantasy, give it time. And we know what Lavonte, the Jags, and Wil Lutz are. I just wish she had trusted the Cousins-Diggs combo she knew would work, she could be even with Spencer right now on her way to 3-1. Still, I think the Ware family has figured out how to manage family and fantasy, and they’re contenders until further notice.
Relevant advice: Do not lose sight of primary mark.
I already went in on this team. I think it’s Fool’s Gold, but what I think doesn’t impact how these matchups shake out. Brian is probably going to roll right over me on his way to 4-0 this week. Only a severe losing streak at some point can sink this team. One bad year really made me question everything Brian does in fantasy, especially since he’s on planes seemingly every time football is being played. But this is a man who was intramural champion in fantasy football. He won’t be denied.
Relevant advice: We made Ian believe he could have the treasure. It was the only way we could get this far.
Corey asked me yesterday why I haven’t sent him a trade offer yet. I told him it was because I didn’t think he had any reason to trade anything. Everything is clicking for his team, and it all seems sustainable. You’re all clowns for letting Michael Thomas slip to the end of the second round. But damn, there were just so many picks that hit in this draft. I’m looking at Carlos Hyde, primarily, but even AJ Green and Gronk over OBJ seems prescient at this point. I have nothing constructive to say. I want this dominance to last.
Relevant advice: Don’t try anything, just let us handle it.
Better Call Morty (Brees) over Breaking Brees (Dalton)
Show me watt (Kwon) over Alan Rails (Wagner)
Simple Rick (Kupp) over Luck Dynasty (Luck)
JCor (Saquon) over T Mac (Fournette)
Jimmy G (OBJ) over Sleepy G (Russ)
Rickdemption (Gordon) over Doofus Rick (Coleman)
And I got this note up 15 minutes faster than last week! -- Commish
