At the top, we have three 2-0 teams: a man, a wife, and an officiant. Each has scored 300 points through two weeks.
At the bottom, we have three 0-2 teams: two twins and a simpleton. The twins have combined for 400 points through two weeks.
Sean continues to lead the league in scoring after a scorching 187 in Week 1, but he’s 1-1 after being fifth in scoring in Week 2. He’s outscored me by 100 points, and we have the same record. Parity rules! Meanwhile, Evan went from 74 one week to 174 the next after adding a little Fitzmagic to the mix.
Fitzmagic is averaging 53 points per game, best Pat Mahomes by eight. The top non-QB is Tyreek Hill, who has 57 total points, which is just slightly behind Andy Dalton for ninth overall player in fantasy. Was Tyreek’s explosion enough to beat my Robbie-Gould-led squad this weekend? It wasn’t. I won without playing my 20-point defense. When I say your team is cursed, and you come out and lose to the vat of diarrhea I call my team, please begin to believe me! But again, for those of you who didn’t see it, Mike Evans has outscored AB each of these first two weeks. For better or worse, I’m installing a tracker for the rest of the season, tracking catches, yards, and fantasy points. TDs are, like, whatever, and can be figured in the fantasy points.
Evans: 17 catches, 230 yards, 36 points
Brown: 18 catches, 160 yards, 23 points
And number of practices missed:
Evans 0
Brown 1
So far, whatever. We’ll see. But I’ll keep us all up to speed.
The contrived theme for this note is based on something Jimi Hendrix wrote on some hotel stationery back in the sixties. It said, “Life is a T.V. show, and hang-ups are commercials.” In Week 3 of the NFL season, we can start to separate the two. Unfortunately for me, it turns out Lamar Jackson was a commercial, and Mahomes is the show. That’s my regret of the draft right there. But that’s what I get for living life like a movie. I made a note in my phone, a la Kevin Costner’s slip of paper in the movie Draft Day, only mine said, “Lamar Jackson in the 10th, no matter what.” I’ll admit now I was a year early.
I don’t even recognize the team I drafted. Of the 18 I had at the end of that night, I’ve retained eight. I blame it all on Mattress Firm. We’re past that now.
I think most years, I have some confidence in my team. I have some idea of who these guys are and where the ship is headed. This year, I have a few solid cornerstones, sure: Evans, Allen, Graham, and Gould are staying put. But Doak, you forgot to mention the quarterback you value 3x too high! Sadly, Stafford’s back nine doesn’t look too promising, with both Chiacgos and Minnesotas back there. His championship week matchup is the Vikings. I’m looking for support at the position, but I’m not convinced what I’m seeing is real. I’m still discerning TV shows from commercials.
So I’m going to do everyone’s favorite thing: I’m going to harshly judge your team using the filter of this week’s contrived theme. Anyone tuning in for a recap can wait until next week. Suffice it to say Spencer squandered the best game Mahomes will have all year because he’s never been any good at choosing WRs. Seriously, go back to the archives. Spencer routinely leaves 30 WR points on the bench. Credit to him for nailing his draft picks, but well, you know.
Let’s do this in order of first to worst. That way, I’ll be nice and loose when I get to the scrubs. Now when I say TV show, I’m saying that’s the part of your team you focus on, and when I say commercial, that’s the part I think that’s distracting you.
This contrived theme is brought to you by the fact that I haven’t been writing the past few weeks because Stephanie and I have been binge-watching Friday Night Lights.
What we’re seeing from Cousins and Diggs is the TV show. There are going to be a couple of special episodes that we try to forget, like the drinking and driving episode of Saved By the Bell, or the one where Mr. Belding’s cool brother Rod Belding doesn’t show up to take everyone whitewater rafting. Kirk makes a great Zack Morris, and “You vike that!” is a 90s worthy catchphrase if I’ve ever heard one. Diggs is obviously Slater, with Lavonte David and Myles Garrett the obvious eye candy (Kelly and Jessie), while the Jags D is the underappreciated (and possibly psychotic) Lisa Turtle. Andrew Luck’s hairline makes him a Belding, and Alex Smith is Screech. We could take these two out of the show entirely and not miss a thing. I’m trying to decide who was a bigger player between beach-boss’s-daughter Stacy Carosi and bad-girl Tori, who are the spitting image of Jay Ajayi and Jordan Reed for how many episodes they’ll be in compared to the rest of the cast.
As for commercials, they don’t get deeply insightful analogies because I hate commercials, especially the new kind of commercials that are aware that they’re commercials. Like, being meta still doesn’t excuse the invasion of my subconscious. I’m dreaming about Colin Jost playing ping-pong with nunchucks, goddammit. David Johnson is not getting any more valuable. The only reason Shelby has to start him every week is because the decision is between David Johnson and Theo Riddick. I’m speaking as the guy with only mediocre RBs. I wouldn’t try to trade for David Johnson even if he was being sold at the Lamar Miller price he’s worth right now.
People will notice I didn’t mention Golden Tate. I don’t know what to say about Golden Tate. He doesn’t fit the contrived analogy. Maybe he’s the Maxx? He’s in every episode, but we don’t really think about it, but we miss him in the college years when all they do is hang out in the commons? Then again, he feels like a commercial since Detroit is going to let him walk at the end of the year, focusing instead on Jones and Golladay. Stay tuned.
I love this team name.
There’s a lot of TV show here, and none of it is Corey’s only keeper, Cameron Brate. Cam Newton, Saquon, Hyde, Green, Thomas, are Gronk should all be the lead, and it’s only a matter of time before one of them goes down. I guess if I’m going to force one, it’s like the early days of the Jon Stewart-led Daily Show. There was just no way to keep all that talent together for long. Now, I don’t know how this relates to fantasy football since it’s not like AJ Green is going to demand a trade from JCor413 2.0. Instead, it’s just going to be injuries. I think it starts with Gronk, but honestly, I think Newton was already concussed on that flagrant Kazee hit last week, and he’s been concussed like 25 times, and the Panthers just don’t care, but eventually Newton’s going to go to the line talking about 23 Y Bananas, and not even Jon Gruden is going to know what fuck he’s talking about.
The commercials here are Edelman and Mariota. I don’t think a 34-year-old receiver coming off ACL surgery is going to make enough of a comeback to be a reliable starter every week, so you might as well bag him for someone whose name you don’t cling to as much. As for Mariota, he still can’t grip the ball properly, and he’s not going to be healthy enough next week when you need him to start for Cam’s bye week, so just cut him. You’ll never start him over Cam anyway, so just cut bait.
Worst 2-0 team ever? Brian got all of his guys for two games and then splat, both starting RBs go down with (hopefully temporary) injuries. It’s shaping up to be a real Game of Thrones situation. So now a 2-0 is starting Kenyan Drake and Alfred Blue. On any other team, Drew Brees might be the TV show, but this isn’t any other team. The day Jameis is announced as starter, Brees is traded, hopefully to me. I am really surprised the Cook-Thielen combo is rocking this early. Other charcaters on the show include Demarcus Lawrence, Evan Engram, Brandin Cooks, and 2018 Pro-Bowler Derwin James.
I don’t know what Jared Cook and Jack Doyle are doing here. I don’t even want to call them commercials; they’re what happens when you accidentally sit on the remote.
All this is to say I can’t figure Brian’s team out. This happens every year, and then he usually makes the playoffs. But then last year he finally missed the playoffs, and now I’m concerned Brian has completely lost control of this situation. It’s like if they had never spun-off Better Call Saul and just tried to keep calling it Breaking Bad. It’s probably what everyone thought initially of the first episode of the second season of The Wire.
The star of this show is Todd Gurley, but the true genius is the Rivers and Gordon combo, which makes this Community. You come for the Jeff Winger, but you stay for the Troy and Abed in the moooorning. Breida is Britta because their names are similar and because they’re both the worst. Ertz and Kuechly are Annie and the Dean because they’re both white and have hung on the longest. Chris Carson is Magnitude, good for a pop-pop every once in a while, but if you missed it the first time you probably won’t get it later on. Adrian Peterson is Chevy because his old ways will be his downfall. The defensive players and even the Browns defense are solid, too, but I’m running low on time.
Every WR on this team is a commercial. Evidence: the starters have both been benched in what appears to be a power-play on Sean’s part. It’s like the KFC Colonel—dammit, I said I wouldn’t do commercial analogies!
The show is Khalil Mack, of course, and he’s surrounded by three top-24 WRs in Julio, Davante, and Emmanuel. Matt Bryant and Chris Thompson have supporting roles.
Get out from under the Steelers while you still can. I get that Big Ben just scored 52 points in one week, but with the way the season is going, he’s going to drop back too many times, and with a banged up line, take too much abuse. If Fournette gets healthy, move him, too. Eh, I guess maybe not. Some commercials are necessary. Moderation and whatnot.
I’m intrigued to see where this one goes. What’s a show that’s been both really good and really bad? I mean, any show that runs too long, right? Maybe it’s Two Broke Girls because Jimmy Guapolo has slept with both of them and the mom. Or maybe it’s Two and a Half Men because it’s a pile of shit. I don’t know! I didn’t have a plan when I contrived this week’s theme! All I know is that each of Cam’s RBs and WRs will get enough opportunity to make his team competitive, but will their teams be good? So far, the Chiefs look good on offense, and the Steelers are getting stuff done. The Saints should figure it out. The Cowboys have enough of a plan to get Zeke his. This team is any network show because it just jams stars together and expects ratings, and that’s honestly good enough in today’s market.
The commercials: Odell Beckham and GQ himself. The Giants definitely should have made the Bridgewater trade. I’m sure Beckham will get 1,000 yards and some TDs, but it just doesn’t look like Eli will be able to get him much more, not the way things are going now. Jimmy G isn’t bad, but Matt Ryan’s favorable schedule combined with his grasp of the offense is much more accommodating.
With a leading man like Fitzmagic, how can I dis Evan’s team like I usually do? I’m trying to think if there’s a show where they’ve cast someone in a lead role and then over time let that person become outshined by some of the lesser characters, not like how Friends just kind of stopped giving Phoebe as much to do, but like really took a prominent character down a notch between the pilot and the season. Because that’s Evan’s 2nd rounder Ronald Jones, who is the only healthy scratch (not suspended) on anyone’s roster right now. Evan’s team is Black Mirror so far, something different every week, and we have to assume none of it’s real. DeAndre Hopkins is probably real, as is Travis Kelce, but with Evan starting two TEs this week, I can’t be sure about any of it. Kwon and Watt are as real as it gets.
Allen Robinson is a commercial because the entire Bears offense so far is a commercial. Doubling up on the Titans and Bucs backfields is that three-hour block of infomercials between 2 and 5 am. Doubling up on the Titans has failed three of us in three straight seasons. Can we quit?
It’s the Aaron Rodgers show. This is Mulaney. They gave him a show without any plan. They just said, “Here’s money, make us a show please,” and it was so terrible that some of you don’t even know what I’m talking about. So he casts Marshawn Lynch, Lamar Miller, and Tevin Coleman. This is enough to get a full season but not a lot of hope to get picked up after.
Commercials: Devin Funchess, Demaryius Thomas, Mark Ingram, Will Fuller, Kenny Stills. The names aren’t terrible, but non-Olivers, which of them are you starting over anyone on your team? Actually, I think all of the Broncos are commercials, and they are actually the worst 2-0 team ever.
My team got cancelled after the pilot, which gets hits every now and then on YouTube.
This team needs a way to start Mahomes and Brady. If it’s a show, it’s not one I’ve seen. DeSean Jackson had his own show, and he’s not great on it. It’s called “One on One,” but it’s him and his brother tag-team interviewing people. It goes about the way you might expect. Who else is the show? James Conner is technically a commercial break from the Lev Bell show, or maybe he’s like the Secret Squirrel episode in the middle of Dexter’s Lab. I don’t know. It’s 9:40 and I’m finishing this thing by 10. I think Sammy Watkins is more show than commercial, but it’s hard to place. He’s product placement at this point. Chris Hogan and Cooper Kupp are on the same list.
Spencer, you have to trade one of your QBs for an RB/WR. You want to keep Mahomes, and that’s cool because you get three years of him if you want, but if you want to win this year, he’s the one with more trade value. If you must trade Brady, I imagine Coleman wants him bad.
Are we still sleeping on you, Kennedy? Also, can you look back lucidly at the 12 for Hunt trade now and see the error of your ways?
Russell’s the show, and somehow Juju is the 2nd billed. There’s not enough here to even have a show. This is like black box theater. BUT, so was the Upright Citizens Brigade. So was Monty Python. So were The Kids in the Hall. The Whitest Kids U’Know. Etcetera. You just have to be comfortable sweating it out.
There are no commercials and there is no cover charge. This is about art, apparently.
What happened to you, Coleman? This was supposed to be the year you made the leap from fringe playoff team to contender. You had a system with multiple pieces of paper and everything. Now you have a cast of McCafe, Amari Cooper, and Bobby Wagner. Tyler Lockett makes an amazing guest star, but can he last all season in that role?
Deshaun Watson is your biggest commercial. He’s your Geic—no analogies. Let’s finish this. Watson is stuck on your team now. The only way you can trade him for value is if he gets hot, and if he gets hot there’s no reason to trade him. I would also sell your injured stars to try to get a little something right now. You need a win right now.
It was not the best note, and it was not the worst. Like a 7 on Pitchfork, it will disappear and be thought of rarely.
Better Call Morty (Brees) over Alan Rails (McCafe)
Simple Rick (Mahomes) over Pat Cajones (Stafford)
Show me watt you got! (Magic) over T Mac (Julio)
Luck Dynasty (Cousins) over Jimmy G String (Zeke)
JCor (Hyde) over Rickshank (Gurley)
Gary (Howard) over Doofus (Rodgers)
9:58!
