this week’s MORTYDOME note
It finally happened. Well, two things finally happened. On Wednesday, I finally stumbled on a handful of players getting high after practice. Well, most of them were “doing weed” while a couple of them were “doing nick” which is what they call vaping nicotine.
“Why would you do nick? Nick is pointless? Nick doesn’t even do anything.” Wise words, especially from our resident Helmetless Dude Who Headbutts Helmets. The purpose is to get fucked up.
And get fucked up we did. This week’s game would have been against the third best team in the state, on their homecoming, and we would have gone in there and taken that ass-kicking as tribute to the football gods, except that by the time Thursday rolled around, we only had 12 healthy varsity players. Everyone says that forfeiting is worse than getting your ass kicked 69-0, but I wasn’t sure until this week. The thing about getting your ass kicked is that you still work hard, you still have moments, and you get to laugh about it later—at least someone gets to laugh about it later. Forfeits are just empty and sad. People just feel disappointment, pity, sadness. It’s a bummer.
But so when I caught the teenagers getting high in the parking lot, I was actually coming over to ask them not to shoot each other with orby guns in the parking lot before practice anymore, when one of the guys in the backseat started coughing like an idiot and his friends started calling him an idiot, and someone else said how bad it smelled and everyone got kind of quiet, but I just gave them a little “be safe, don’t be stupid,” and we talked vaguely about the nuances of doing drugs without being an idiot, and this was before the forfeit became official, but I knew the forfeit was imminent because this felt like the end of something.
So we’ll see. We have a coaches meeting on Sunday and a team meeting plus parents on Monday, and we have to make a decision about the final four games of the year, the final of which is a playoff game we are placed in regardless of whether we win a game, and our head coach has already said that if we are pitted against one of a few specific powerhouses, we will forfeit that game because those dudes might actually kill our dudes.
Speaking of giving up and expecting to get killed, I thought Coleman’s Bijan trade was bad, and we’re going to see the results soon. While it was a fair trade, essentially giving up the first pick for a 2nd, 4th, and 5th, it kills Coleman’s ceiling. Any QB can score 40 points. Only like ten RBs can do it, and only like five can do it more than once. Coleman didn’t intend to give up, but with Ladd and McLaurin falling apart in more ways than one, you’re basically looking at Lamar for Bijan, which you can still salvage for a pick at the deadline, but Lamar has lost two linemen and almost two receivers, and it’s not looking like he’ll be the face-melting QB worth a 1st/2nd. Bijan was gonna get you that 1st, even if it was only conditional.
The Jaylen Warren trade looked bad at first, but I’m coming around. I still don’t understand trading a high pick and FAAB, but I understand desperation. The fact that Warren had a 20-pointer before the trade and another 20 after the game makes it go down easier. It might even become a trade Oliver regrets.
The TreVeyon Henderson for Downs and Pollard trade looks like it’s going nowhere, just like the teams of the players involved.
The back-page Woody Marks for $10 trade is working out in Max’s favor, but Max is scared to give Marks the flex spot he deserves.
The pre-draft silent blockbuster among Brian, Kennedy, and Oliver shook out like this:
Oliver gives Sun God and T-Mac, gets Ja’Marr Chase and Jaylen Warren
Brian fives Chase, gets Sun God and Brian Burns for Chase
Kennedy gives Warren, gets T-Mac
Comfortable win for Oliver so far, but potentially a win-win-win by year’s end.
Trading a 5th for Ladd is a win for Oliver since it fueled the Bijan trade, maybe a win for Cam since the 5th became Pollard who helped fuel the Henderson trade. But remember that Henderson is Ronald Jones with better publicity.
Finally, we check in on the first trade of the season:
Doak gives early slot
Sean gives Maye, 3.12, and $25 FAAB
Results:
Doak gets Maye, Price, and Jameis
Sean gets McBride
It’s bad at face value, and it’s worse when you understand that moving Maye enabled Sean to draft Josh Allen. I’m sorry, America.
I don’t believe in Kyler Murray. I definitely don’t believe in the Kyler-Addison connection even without Justin Jefferson. I believe it worked against the Bucs. And I believe it could work against the Dolphins, but you have to understand the Dolphins have a better defense than we do. They similar talent and a legitimate scheme. They can force Kyler to his second read or his legs. I also don’t believe in Ashton Jeanty against the Chiefs, in Kincaid being the second coming, or in anyone on Spe’s team but JSN.
I believe in Sam Darnold neutralizing JSN (not really how this works, but better than not having Darnold). I believe in Olave maintaining top-5 WR status long-term, Juwan Johnson maintain top-5 TE status this year, and I believe Egbuka can see 12 targets from a rookie QB and turn them into 100 yards. I would have started Judkins over Gainwell, and I don’t believe that’s up for debate, and honestly that decision is enough to sink the ship. Why would you do that?
The whole point of the McBride trade was the poison it was laced with. Having to pay the 3rd and planning to draft Josh Allen means that Sean broke a cardinal rule of drafting: you can have an early TE or an early QB. Nobody survives trying to take both because you inevitably crumble at RB or WR unless you make absolutely impossibly perfect picks, which Saquon, Rice, and Pierce were not. Parker Washington was a beautiful pick, but one is not enough. Puka can turn it around, but he’s the worst karma player this year behind Josh Jacobs.
Brock Purdy is making a case for MVP. CMC is still that dude. Garrett Wilson is a top-10 WR again, T-Mac isn’t ascending but is maintaining his 1,00-yard pace, and while you overpaid for LaPorta, the guys taken right after him have been worse. The Tuten and Watt picks have been the biggest difference. You should be able to take down Sean this week and achieve total domination of this league, granted it’s the wrong time to be this hot. Enjoy it while it lasts. Don’t make a bad move trying to preserve. Sit on the lead, maintain your assets, know you’ve got all year to move picks for players. But also know people are aggressively chasing WR, and you need a star WR. You don’t have to be first, but when the domino falls, you need to be ready.
Part of the reason I don’t like the Jaylen Warren trade for Corey is that Corey isn’t one RB away from competing. This man has three shaky starting spots, not including his QB controversy between Stafford and Shough. Corey is also letting Tyler Warren waste away on the bench when I’m sure somebody would move a starting WR for him.
Cameron is doing his usual: casually breaking records, settling in around 150 per game, cruising to the playoffs, ultimately losing in the second round. Not something we can worry about now. Right now, we’re evaluating. Who’s holding us back long-term? Trevor and the TE spot would be my major concerns, but I’m also not convinced Christian Watson stays cemented in that starting WR spot forever. In any case, Cameron’s depth is terrifying. He’s one injury away from having to start both Pats RBs next week during Ken Walker’s bye.
The Bijan trade is bad value on the balance sheet, but it’s good karma because Coleman sacrificed his golden calf for a complete team. He probably screwed it up by picking up STA on Saturday, but we’ll see if that even sticks. Coleman’s drowning in injuries to his flex guys right now, but when Breece comes back and Carnell Tate takes off, he’s got a median-threatening lineup every week.
Brian is not threatening the median. Brian barely avoided 0-6 because he faced Shelby on her worst week. Brian scored just 108 points despite 30 from Nix and 24 from Deebo. Shelby didn’t have a player above 18. She will be fine. Brian needs to pump up that RB spot or else start looking to next year (again).
Oliver is a buzzsaw. Shelby’s season will appear over at 1-7, but it was really just unfortunate circumstances. This happened last year. Shelby had a rough start, and she eventually worked her way to the middle. It’s not awesome to work to the middle, but it’s too early to pack it in. One, people won’t trade the premium picks yet. Two, the Bucs are too bad for you to be able to tune out fantasy and just enjoy football. It’s also fine to have hobbies. You could just have a hobby and not worry about any of this. OR you can follow Corey’s lead and buy back in while there’s still time. Be a degenerate with us.
Max’s team has been underachieving. It’s time for his statement week. All over my face. Meanwhile I will be starting Drake Maye in an attempt to Costanza this bitch.
And to the pumpkin patch we go.
